Halloween

I have had to been asked a million times what we were doing tonight and if we were celebrating Halloween… almost every time when I told the person that we didn’t know they looked at us slightly embarrassed and asked if we were anti Halloween. The truth is no, I am not anti-halloween. The truth is something that is far different that you can ever imagine.


6 years ago today, I packed up the car with a 30day old baby and I went to go visit Adam’s work. It was our first real trip somewhere; Aden still has in his room a picture of him in his Daddy’s arms. I know exactly where it was in Adam’s office and I am always amazed that my amazing and awesome son was that little and he is such a big boy now. So Halloween rolls around and I instantly think of that picture and I smile from ear to ear… my 1st born with his daddy. How time flies?


1 year ago, 365 days ago, our family was blessed with a friend who MADE Zach’s costume for him. He had been so sick I wasn’t going to worry about it. But the middle of Oct rolled around and Zach was doing so well we decided that YES we were going to go to our churches Trunk or Treat. Our preschool department went above and beyond for my boys, for Zach. Zach at the time could only have a few things by mouth, well he could only have powerade/Gatorade and plan lays potato chips. So at each trunk he got playdoh, stickers, crayons, powerade/Gatorade, and/or chips. At one of the booths he got a glow stick. I still remember the boys with the glow sticks. Zach (well all of us) walked around; he played attempting to shoot a basket and to kick a field goal. We as a family went on a hay ride and the gentleman driving it kept checking on Zach to make sure it wasn’t too fast. I have pictures of that night; in his homemade wonderful costume, laughing, smiling, and so full of life, we got to be a family and we have pictures of it. We have pictures of us as a family of 4.


So why am I telling you this… that night we had no idea that that event would be the LAST event that we would do as a family at our church. Church isn’t just a place for us to be, our faith in Jesus and our relationship with Him and God isn’t just something that we do on Sunday morning, it is our life. We had no reason to think that with Zach doing so well that less than a year later he wouldn't be here.  we wouldn’t be celebrating Halloween together again this year. He was so full of life and so happy and he had such a GOOD time going and getting things that he could have to eat and do. It was a “normal” night to him due to the love of our church, of his church, his church felt like he was that special, something that we didn’t realize until later. I realized that the last thing we did as a family of 4 at our church was the trunk or treat. We attempted to bring Zach some, but after that point he was really just too weak and had a hard time. The pictures of our family in our church parking lot are so very special to me. I am so appreciative of those that took the time and the money (it wasn’t cheap to do his stuff) to make that night special for Zach, but I am now eternally grateful that they did it because it allowed my family a night of normalcy in what was going to be a rough year.


So are we going to celebrate tonight… Adam and I don’t want to. However, we may when it comes down to it. We aren’t sure what we are going to do and we are going to play it by ear.

HEAVEN IS FOR REAL

Today Adam and I got up and planned out our morning…We were going to look for Christmas gifts, normally I have started by now but this year it has been hard. I wanted to go ahead and look because I know that soon it is going to become harder, each day into the Holiday season (Thanksgiving and Christmas) will become harder. We went to the Christian bookstore to find out that a book that has been given to us multiple times has a new children’s version out. Before we left the store we were told that the Family that Wrote “Heaven Is For Real” was going to be at the Walmart and that they would be doing autographs. Adam and I looked at each other and said we aren’t strong enough to do that.



One thing led to another and we found ourselves at the Walmart to get Aden, so I promptly bought the children’s version of “Heaven is For Real” and I hopped in line. For those that don’t know what the book “Heaven is for Real” is about let me quickly tell you. The Burpo family had a son Colton who fell dangerously ill. While in the hospital Colton had to have surgery. One day a while later, Colton told his Dad, who is a pastor, about Heaven. This book tells about his experience. The children’s version is super sweet and will be perfect for Aden who is still dealing with his brother’s death.


The Burpo Family was wonderful and nice and we were able to tell them about how we managed to get 3 copies of the book and why were buying the children’s book. Aden told them about Zachary and about how he was almost 4 (the age of Colton when he fell ill) when Zach died. They autographed the book to Aden and Colton gave Aden his bracelet.


When we made it back to the car, we got to let Aden listen to the next surprise which was a Jamie Grace CD. Aden’s favorite song is on this album, which is HOLD ME!!! It is a fast upbeat wonderful song. We put the song on and we listened to our 6 year old sing his HEART out to God. Adam and I broke down into tears again. See no matter how bad things feel and are, God is always there. Hearing our son worship is something that can’t be replaced and was an honor to hear. It was a great reminder that this Holiday Season (thanksgiving and Christmas) is going to come. We can choose to worship like we always have or we can choose to curl up and ignore it all. We can remember that Family is important. We can although it is hard and emotional, we can have a great season.

everyday

Everyday…


Everyday is a gift that we are blessed with.

Everyday is a chance that we have to be a good friend.

Everyday is a day that we are able to touch the lives around us and to make a difference.

I am learning that it isn’t about the letters behind your name, it isn’t about the clothes that you wear, it isn’t about how big of a paycheck you receive at the end of the week, it isn’t about how many cars you have or what type. It is amount love, being willing to put yourself aside for someone that you care about, holding someone a tad closer in your prayers because it is all you can do. It is about being willing to stay up late to listen or to stop what you are doing when called upon. How much of a difference are you going to make?

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” Romans 12:12

rambles

Almost anyone that knows me knows that I love to sing… I won’t pretend to have a great voice, I won’t pretend to have a voice that others want to hear, but I love to sing. Over a year ago I had to step down from praise team, not because someone made me but because Zach was getting to the point where I couldn’t confirm that I could be there. So I stepped down, I felt like it was the right thing to do. Well 4 months ago when Zach passed away, I was able to attend church again. It was hard; to be honest it is still hard sometimes. I have been asked by several when I was stepping back on the stage again. I always laughed it off and say “give it time, not right now” Well after some praying hard and some reassurance that I will be okay, I got in touch with our music minister and asked if I could come back, his answer was, we have practice tonight can you make it. Not exactly the answer that I was expecting. So last night I went to practice, it was HARD, I felt like it was another FINALITY that Zach was in heaven and not coming back. I sung several songs that I don’t know but I did okay. I can honestly say that I MISSED singing. I am so honored to get to sing again.


I have to say that in my worshipping last night it brought several people in my mind… friends that are going through times that I don’t’ understand. I have a friend who had her dad die, when he died her chance to develop a real relationship with him vanished. I have a friend who has a child, that medically things are going wrong, her son is going to have surgery Monday, they found out yesterday. I have a friend whose husband is gone for a month, while thankful that he is in the US and not oversees this time, it is still hard. A friend whose mom is in ICU fighting for her life and the family is making hard decisions. A friend who hasn’t had a job in a while was just blessed with new job. A friend whose Son is in the ICU and they had to perform CPR to keep him here on earth this morning. A friend who called me upset because they feel like they have done something so horrible that I will hate them (WHICH WAS A LIE, I love you). A friend who lost a parent and feels like they are now alone and incapable of doing the things that they need to do, a friend who had her husband walk out on her, A friend who keeps getting told that things are wrong with their child medically but that they can’t figure out what is going on or how to help. A friend who is in a marriage that needs to be healed, a friend who is going through a divorce that no one understands. A friend who is overwhelmed, thinks that she is alone, whose thoughts are racing, and who can’t see past the sec she is in.

Here is my thought for you, my prayer for you…

May you know that you are worth it, that you are an AWESOME person, AWESOME mom, AWESOME Wife, AWESOME friend. You are NEVER alone; you don’t have to do this alone. God is with you and you have friends that will be by your side. God tells us that all works towards His great plan, it doesn’t promise us that it will be easier or that we will understand but He does promise that He will never leave nor forsake us. Hang in there and know that I am ALWAYS here

Blessings and Hard times…

That seems like a title that doesn’t really exist but I am here to tell you that it does. I think that with all the things that God has allowed us to go through that we are learning that to keep our eyes on Christ sometimes means that we hurt in ways that the world doesn’t understand.

I have had a hard time, it is the start of the holiday season. Now for us and for the Moody’s this is the time that we spend lots of time with family. I have always had a hard time, not a huge hard time but a little bit of a hard time, because my mother died the Friday after thanksgiving in 2002. It was a black Friday for sure, however, one filled with joy. Why because my mother was whole again, she wasn’t hurting anymore, she had NO cancer. The following thanksgiving, 2003, I promptly started a new tradition. I got up and went shopping for black Friday. Last year for this tradition I had a dear friend of mine in town and I had a blast with her. It was a GREAT year for that. This year I am unsure of what is going to happen, I know that I am delighted to have family and friends that will surround us during this time. However, I am sad, I miss my mom and I miss my little man, Zach! I wonder if my mom is keeping up with Zach or if Zach has to keep up with my mom, all she ever wanted to do was pour her love into her family and into the children of the family. I am sure that Zach is spoiled rotten.

Then I thought about Christmas, this is the one of the two days that means the most to our family. We have a faith in God, in Jesus and because of that Christmas means a lot to us. It is a family day, starting off with sausage cheese balls and grandparents coming, we see family, we cook, and we are together as a whole. Last year we had to alter our plans it was different, we altered out place but the one thing that didn’t change was that our family was together. So once again this year it is going to focused family but I am so unsure how emotionally I am going to be able to handle it.

However, in thinking about this holiday time, I have to tell you that our family has already been blessed. Zach touched many and one of the people that he touched had her husband go to be with Jesus. As part of sharing his legacy, she donated an ipod touch to Zach. Zach was inseperatable from it. One day about 7 months ago, Zach was at a restaurant and he sat it down on the table as I got his oxygen, tpn, fluids and all together to leave, someone walked by and took it. I was devastated, and honestly that doesn’t cover it, I mean Zach loved this and it was an honor to get it. I cried and cried and cried about it but I realized that we would never see it again.

So I got an email this week from apple that stated that a local county law enforcement office was questioning them about an ipod, so they forwarded me the information. Because the person that gave it to Zachary got it inscribed with “Zach Moody, God Bless You” They were able to google his name, finding out that he was no longer alive, They went the extra mile to make contact with me. I drove today to go and get it. It has more scratches on it than when it got taken and it was wiped from all the data and pictures that were on it but we have the unit back.

This is important to us because we were going to start a tradition of getting something for Aden from Zach for Christmas. This year we will be getting an otterbox case, new headphones and loading this ipod up to give it to Aden. Aden will be given back his brothers ipod. Adam and I fill like Zachary had his 5 mins and had it returned to his brother. Aden has no clue and we don’t plan on telling him that we have it back!

God’s unexpected plan…

A long time ago, well not so long ago but too much with all that has gone on it seems forever ago., a book was given to me by a mom who has special needs children. She had recently had a daughter that was blessed to go be with Jesus, in her pain and in her healing we were blessed with some items that we desperately needed for Zach. Because of her daughter’s legacy, Zach sat at the table with us at meals and was able to color/do art with his brother. I told her thank you for that!


However, in with those items was a book, a book that she drew Hope and comfort through. I never understood why I was given this book. When we first got it I tried and tried and tried to read it and I couldn’t. I always thought it was because I didn’t have time, or the desire. I found out today, it was because my heart wasn’t ready for it. This book explains how my heart feels, it reminds me that I am not alone, and not only am I not alone but that God has NEVER left me in this journey.


The book is titled: Holding on to HOPE: a pathway through suffering to the heart of God. By Nancy Guthrie. This book was moved from spot to spot in our house, one day in the past couple of months Adam picked it up. Now for anyone that knows Adam, him picking up this book should have been my 1st clue that God was in it. Adam doesn’t really care to read just to read and this was book 2 that he had picked up to read. Adam read it and told me, Jen please try to read this. I pushed it off. Yesterday morning, Adam took it out of his book bag and handed it to me. I took this as God’s sign for me to read it. I had been looking for a bible study or a book to help me deal with and handle with some of the intimate things in my heart. I took this as God’s mouth and a push that the time was right for me to read this book that we had for over a year probably.


I finished this book, this morning!!! I made myself stop reading yesterday because I needed to do some things but I picked it back up this morning and finished it. God is so amazing… God took the pain of a mom to write this book, took the pain of a mom to give me the book (not just suggest it but actually give it) to touch me; A mom who is hurting from all of the things that have occurred. Here is how it has changed though. There is a story, a section of verses in the bible that talks about why there was a man who was born blind. See in the day it was the custom that it was someone’s fault, I know I am like that even today, if the tire blows out what did I do, if Aden gets sick what did I do, this isn’t a concept that has gone away. So in John 9, God reminds us that He is the ultimate designer.


“Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” John 9:2-3


Now, this has been a life passage for Adam for the past couple of years, the peace that Adam needed to know that it is ALL for God’s GLORY. It has nothing to do with us; we are simply vessels to accomplish the task that God has placed forth. I think that this has hit home with me lately. The number of life’s that Zach has touched, we will never know, but I can stand and tell you that I am stronger today than I was yesterday. That I have a purpose and a passion to help those walk through the unbearable things of their lives, the ones that many don’t understand and don’t want to even imagine.. God didn’t intend for us to do this alone.


Just as we were handed this book from a dear mom, I pray that I am able to pass on the encouragement and the love to make it one more sec, then one more min, then one more day! Then those days will add and it will be a week, those weeks, will become months. The pain doesn’t go away but I have accepted that God has desired it perfectly for me, that He is holding me and that He has never stopped loving me.

People learn…

People learn based on what they are around, Children learn by what is done to them, what they are around and how they are expected to act. Today I had an instance that made me thankful that Aden has a loving family and that he knows that not everyone is alike. Aden has been having some medical issues and since he came home yesterday and totally crashed I didn’t give his medications, I mean he doesn’t have a Gtube he has to be awake to take meds that are liquids and meds that are gummies. Today he had an instance where he needed me at school, he was able to convience them to call but we have a code phrase that lets me know that He needs his medication. Something that is normal but tells me that he is hurting. He had to ask the nurse multiple times to tell me the statement. Finally right before she hung up with me I heard him say something and I asked her, she told me he needs me to tell you that “his stomach hurt”. This was the one piece of information I needed to know, I packed meds and got things and headed to his school. While I was there helping him and giving meds the nurse questioned me on if I had this and that. When I said yet she rolled her eyes and turned. I could have gotten over that, however, with others students there, she then proceeded to degrade my son because of this problem. Aden looked at me and asked me if he had to stay, with tears in his eyes he told me that he couldn’t help it and that he was sorry. I looked at him, pulled him close, and loved on him. I told him that school was important and that he needed to finish. So he asked if I would walk him to his classroom, he needed to know it was okay. So I gladly took my sons hand and walked him back to class, proud that he is so amazing.

So let me tell you what you do matters, no one saw his tears or the hurt on his face. No one knows what goes through his head, and guess what he isn’t the only one. We all are this way, we learn what emotions to hide and which ones are okay. We learn who we can talk to and who we can be real with and who can’t. Aden is a sweet, caring, loving, amazing child because of ALL that he was exposed to. He is amazing because he has people that love on him. Hold your children tight let them know that you love them, that they are good enough, to keep trying and that all is okay.

My heart is upset but I have never been so proud of my son, he took the upsetness put it away and walked into class. Smiling and acting like all is okay