True friends Best friends

A friend is something that most people take for granted… I know that until I had Zach I did.  I never thought about what was going on and if I was going to have someone to share it with.  Zachary had an illness that robbed his body of his ability to grow, eat and to eventually live, he however touched everyone’s life that met him or saw a picture.  Even with an AMAZING spirit Zach didn’t have a friend besides Aden.  It wasn’t till towards the end of his life that we realized that because he was in the hospital so much he didn’t know what it was to be a friend or have a friend.

For me though it goes past that though… see we all have cycles of friends let me explain.  You have a good friend in high school, you may grow more distant when you go to college but you still talk however, someone else fills that role… you have a child and your friends change, we have a ton of situations that effect our circle of friends.  I learned that I had friends, people that said a lot of words, that did things with us and that seemed on the outside to care.  However, what I learned was that when Zach started to have issues people started becoming less available to talk and to do things.  Then Zach started going to the hospital a lot more and people said “you’re going again” and told me “well I can’t handle him being sick” or “I can’t handle yall going to the hospital again”.  Then well we had to make the decision to let Zach go and put him on hospice one of the hardest decisions we have ever had to make and I am venturing to say the hardest one we will ever make as parents.  I thought that we would have more people come around since we were home and dealing with it at home but that didn’t happen, even more people left, more friends.  Sigh, then the heartbreaking event of Zach’s body being no longer to take the struggles of this word happen, he went to heaven to receive his Holy and perfect body.  People showed up for a while but after the “newness” wore off so did their offers to talk and to do things.  Then we lost the circle of friends that we had because of Zach, they either thought that I would be upset because of their child being sick or they thought that I should only have “normal, typical” parents as friends. 

So why am I writing about this?  Simply because I have learned some things about friends, not only things about the friends that I have but the type of friend that I want to be!

·        I have learned that when you have TRUE friends BEST friends that you gain more than that one person you gain the family that surrounds that person.  Mothers, Fathers, Aunts, Children just to name a few.  They will speak their minds, hold your hands, tell you to call doctors and well tell you that you are beautiful!

·        I have learned that when you have TRUE friends BEST friends that they are willing to say their heart even if it might hurt you.  They tell you to get over it, to whine but then to put it up on the shelf.  They tell you need to redo your hair or get a new outfit.

·        I have learned that when you have TRUE friends BEST friends that they are willing to change their lifestyle to help you change yours.  They are willing to help you make lifestyle changes because you have to even though that means that it effects what they get to eat, drink and do

·        I have learned that when you have TRUE friends BEST friends that they willing to hold your hand and walk through a situation even if they have not a clue of what to do because they only want the best for you.  They are willing to pray for doctors appointments, hold your hand, encourage you and even go with you when you need support.

·        I have learned that when you have TRUE friends BEST friends that they are willing to do something that they might not like to help you through a rough time.

·        I have learned that when you have TRUE friends BEST friends that they are willing to have the same emotions that you have.  When you are mad, sad, aggravated, hurt, happy or a mixture of them all, they experience them with you!  Willing to cry tears because the only thing they can to is to hold you while you totally lose it

·        I have learned that when you have TRUE friends BEST friends that it doesn’t matter what time you call or text they will listen.  This isn’t just limited to them but to the family that you gain as well.

·        I have learned that when you have TRUE friends BEST friends that you learn to trust them with all of the silly and embarrassing things.  That includes the questions that you are too embarrassed to ask anyone!

·        I have learned that when you have TRUE friends BEST friends that they are willing to talk to you or text you into the early mornings just to make sure that you do fall asleep and that you know the dreams that keep you awake don’t make you who you are.

See I know that I want to be a better friend; I want to be the one that walks in when they rest of the world walks out.  I want to be the friend that gets asks embarrassing personal questions to because I am trusted that much! I want to be the one that is called on no matter what is going on.

Do you? Can you say that you are that friend? Can you say that you will stick around no matter what?

Remembering

Zach had mito but mito did not have him... something that I say often and think about more.

To help others as we remember Zachary, To help Zachary’s legacy continue, To Touch and Make their illnesses a tad easier for the anniversary of his passing we want his memory to live on we are collecting items to be donated at Scottish Rite (TICU/PICU) in honor of Zachary. Zachary died June 14, 2011 after a life long battle with mitochondrial disease. Mito is a disease that can affect every part of the body, every organ system, in Zach’s case. Mito affected his ability to stay well, to gain weight, to communicate and to do a lot of the things that we take for granted.

Because of not being able to stay well, Zach spent a lot of time at the hospital we often would receive things that would make Zach smile, when Zach smiled it reminded me that we were going to be okay. Zach’s favorite things were stickers, cupcakes and play doh. Often however, Zach would get fairies and flower stickers because it was all that they had left, they often have more children than they have items to pass out to them.  When Zach died we bought all of the new packages of stickers, the dvds that we never got to open and watch, the new coloring books and all of the new toys that he had been given to the hospital, this started Remembering Zachary. We strive for each year to have more than the days following his death. We want no family to think that they are walking the path alone.

This is a list of suggested items (please know that this is NOT exhaustive), please remember and keep in mind that the patients are birth to 22 years of age on average. They can be boys or girls. Please try not to donate items that have to do with death. Characters like Monster high, Spongebob, Disney characters, Pixar characters are all acceptable.  Please remembering that items that can be used to do multiple things are wonderful to

Items and ideas for patients and families:
-hotwheels, cars, trucks, other vehicles of any size
-barbies or other dolls
-markers all sizes and types
-crayons
-paper: copy paper, construction paper of all sizes
-notebooks
-new dress up clothes (boys and girls)
-new brightly colored pillowcases (homemade would be best)
-new brightly colored blankets (homemade would be best)
-books for all ages
-Stuffed Animals (NEW and must have tags on them)
-Infant toys and Crib Toys
-DVDs (rating pg and under)
-puzzles
-balls
-Crosswords
-cards
-word searches
-games for all ages
-stickers
-coloring books
-play dough sets and just dough
-pens, pencils and other writing instruments
-iTunes gift cards (to be used by Childlife and therapists)
-gift cards

Items for staff and Parent Bags:
-prepackaged chips and pretzels
-prepackaged crackers
-prepackaged granola bar
-individual packaged peanut butter
-bottles of water
-drink mixes
-juice boxes

hope it makes sense

So this week has been odd…. I started off the week thinking… I know that I shouldn’t but I do…

I know that I shouldn’t be jealous but I am.

I know that I shouldn’t be tired but I am

I know that I shouldn’t worry but I do

I know that I shouldn’t be in tears but I am

I know that I shouldn’t be upset but I am

And If I am honest with myself and in return be honest with you I can probably add several more to this list.  In fact I can probably add specific things for each of these and for several I can probably time multiple things.

I can think about a new vehicle, since my van has to be replaced and I don’t know how we are going to replace it but I am going to have to replace it.  I can think about trips, trips to the mountains, trips to Disney, trips anywhere with the whole family.  I can choose to listen to the one that tells me not to worry or be sad because Zach is in a better place when my tears and sadness are because I am missing the love and the joy not because I want him back. 

I can look at pictures of me and my family and it instantly reminds me how blessed we are.  I can look at pictures and be reminded of how close and bonded my family is, how we know that we can pull together and love on each other when we need to.  I can watch my son love on and help others because he was shown that being a friend means more than just the easy things. 

 

So why am I writing this now…. My ideas have been swirling and until tonight I was thinking that this would be a dark and upsetting post.  Not that I wanted to be dark it was just that I was missing Zach so much and was having trouble with all of the unexpected things that are in our lives.  However, I am here to write another thing… Several months ago I started going to my best friend’s church on wed night, not because I hate my church, I LOVE MY CHURCH but because they offered a class on something that I very much needed to learn about.  After building some relationships I asked one of the leaders if I could pray with her, again something that it was nice to be able to hide a little, to be at a place that I wasn’t expected to do anymore than to worship and learn about God.  Somewhere that I could have tears if I needed and that no one knew about Zach unless I told them.  Now if you realize who I have been lately talking to others, I am not talking about small talk but real talk, has been extremely difficult for me so step one, ask if we can pray.  Step 2, actually meet to talk and to pray.  Step 3 talk! Yeah it didn’t work out that way, I made it through step one and step two but actually talking about things that matter, nope, I couldn’t.  The leader several days latter facebooked me a name of a lady who had also had a child pass away.  I fought it and I didn’t want to do it… well needless to say after 3 months and several facebook messages I met her tonight. 

Let me tell you about tonight, tonight was a night that I almost didn’t go… plans had been changed at the last minute, instead of the bible study that I normally go to things had been cancelled and there was a concert.  I was excited to go hear them since I like their music but I have never seen them in concert.  I texted and asked her if she was going… she said yes! So tonight I went with my best friend to a concert and met a woman.  Two things that God used to touch my heart. 

I stood and I listened to my best friend sing, not be shy and not shy away from me but to sing, I got to watch her worship.  I worshipped as well.  I was touched, smiles filled my heart.  I think about the conversation with my new friend and I think I want to be the one that God uses for giving others hope, I know that some of my days are hard and some days I am not the best to be around but I want to be as encouraging as this lady was to me tonight.  To lay it out where I knew that I wasn’t alone or feeling things that no one else got.  To say things that she instantly understood and was able to help me know that it will be okay, worked out for a purpose!

Long time

It has been a long time since I have written, if I was honest it has been busy and God has been super busy in my life.   I am learning that there are times when things don't make sense and yet God leads you down the path.  I'm learning to plug in the earbuds and to turn on the music and just roll with it.

I can not believe that february is almost over, it seems like it was just thanksgiving time and yet time is flying.  Since I wrote the last time I have learned that friends matter, now I knew that, I knew that without people that will love you and support you life can be too hard.  However I also went through situations that people decided to walk out on.  I have hated valentines day as long as I can remember... It is simply that I don't understand why you need a special day to say I love you, you should say I love you every chance you can get.

Now in saying this, this is the first valentines day that I was shown how fun this day can be.  It was fun to watch this day through the eyes of a child.  It was amazing to get to experience it through my son, Aden, he has a special friend and he adores her, they are like brother and sister.  He went to the store and bought her something, then he would go back and buy her something else.  It was super sweet! She made it to the day with quite a but bought for her.

I was surprised by my amazing husband with candy, a card, the best balloon ever.... It said valentines day is overrated!!! Totally a me feeling!  He also Suprised my best friend with a card and candy, since her Husband was out of town.  A true image of how much friends can become part of the family and How much of am impact they can make without knowing it.  I was suprised by a gift as well, a token of how much God has blessed my life. That through hardship, pain and life chamges there can be huge blessing.

  However I have to admit one of the best thing that could have happened to me was I got a new ring from my husband for Christmas.  It needed to be sized and yet two months later I hadn't taken it.  it  was breaking my heart that since the medical issues that I am having I couldn't wear my old engagement ring, it would cut my finger.  I tried it in the day before valentines day...it fits and even better I can get it  on and off without struggling.  I'm super excited about it, I am wearing it and I am totally stoked!

I hope that life will settle down and I will blog more, God is working in my life and I'm holding tight with earbuds in jamming along.

What is God teaching me?

God is teaching me…

What is He teaching me? Well that depends on what part of my life that you are part of and how close we are?  God has had his hand in my life and I have never doubted that for sure, however, I am learning that there are some things that I am very blessed to have.

I have a family… not just blood family but a wonderful family given to me by marriage and from the bond of God.  A wonderful husband and his family that I don’t know what I would do without them.  They have walked the world for me on multiple occasions and gone far past what they have to and love me through it.  Friends that are so much part of my life that I don’t know what I would do without them.  Texts, visits, emails and phone calls!!!

I have learned that as much as I hate talking on the phone that I will talk on the phone to those that I love.  I text I am a texting fool, I like being able to not be on the phone but I can tell you in the past month or so I am learning that there are times to hear a voice is AMAZING. 

I have learned that sometimes a beat, sometimes a radio that is playing music that only you can hear can totally cause you to rock out and will change a mood.  There are times when the only thing that will take a blue mood and change it is to be totally jamming out to some rocking music with the windows rolled down totally grooving to them music.  That there is a smile that just sneaks up and covers your whole face.  I have a friend that constantly has a song playing in their head, they will be walking up steps and all of a sudden will stop and drop a move.  They will be sitting at a table waiting for something and will start moving their shoulders and will be jamming, I will ask for her music to be turned up because she will get that little smile sneak up to her face and instantly she is amazingly happy.  You know at any moment she is being entertained in her head.  I have learned because of this that her jamming can make me go from blue to giggly and I have learned that if I turn the radio on and jam that I can be amazingly happy and joyful,  Truly HAPPY!

I have learned that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean that isn’t true.  This is something that I am really trying to learn.  See we have family, loved ones, and friends who should be building us up… it is something that I have always struggled with seeing what others see in me.  Well had said enough is enough, that I need to believe some of those close to me can see and are saying to me! So I am learning that right now. 

I have learned that just because it doesn’t make sense doesn’t mean that it isn’t what needs to be done…. See I have learned to look at it this way.  We each are a color and we are coloring a picture, if we just use one color the picture but you can’t see the true beauty in the picture.  It is only with all the colors that you see all of the beauty.  I have learned that I need to let those colors in my life, not just to lightly color one little spot but to be bold and wonderfully involved. 

a new year

A small room with small tables and chairs, often very noisy and often messy I have learned on of the most important things.  See as rough has my life has been and as much as it may not be understood and the trials that I have been through discounted as much as I can say life is worth it and I am extremely blessed

Over a year ago I was looking for a meaning of life... I was wondering if I was going to be tormented by all the things that have been going on in my life.  One of the people I knew at Church suggested a school that might be perfect for my son, small and intimate and they would be able to love him and help him grow.  Then she quietly suggested that I might be used by God to help a class there.  A job, a way to start to rebuild life...did I listen? No, it took the third time of her suggesting it and then a horrible experience at my son’s public school to land me at the new school. 

While he was in a little room with just a few students learning about Kindergarten things, I found myself in a room with small tables with little children.  Hesitant to step in I trusted that if God brought me to this place that He would help me, I started to help and to teach in a class of 2 and 3 year olds.  Hard since not even 6 months before my almost 4 year old, who was 16 pounds died, he was blessed enough to go to Heaven to be healed, to be with God.  He left my husband, myself and Aden, his brother.  I often sat down with the children, who are 2 and 3 years old, doing things that Zach never did and who are often bigger than Zach ever was. I got hugs and one day I got a comment by one that startled me.  I later found out, that God planned me to be there to help a few going through things that no one should, then I found out that Aden had a classmate whose father was killed, then later one that her dad died.  So I thought that was it, I was there because Grief does weird and sometimes painful things and that I could love on and pray.

Honestly I thought that is where this story would end... but I can tell you God wasn’t done yet.  In this little room, I found another teacher.  Funny enough it was another Jennifer, I am convinced just to confuse people.  At first our friendship was strained, I arrived right after a school wide tragedy and right after a student got hurt.  I knew nothing about either so I didn’t know to worry or stress, I was there because God wanted me to have a purpose but to fill it as well.  By the end of the year we were okay friends and were working on what our class would do for this year. 

Now I could simply stop here and be done but I am not, see God doesn’t just give us a little He blesses us a lot and in this case here is the rest of the story.  I now have a job that I love with little children who no longer just remind me of what I lost but remind me that love is AMAZING. A job where I can say I have women who love me and who will pray for me and with me. A job that I have been able to use a little of the things I know from Zach and from my past to love on and to help.  Aden has a best friend that accepts him with his medical issues and things that randomly come up.  I was blessed with a best friend, who has been through some of the things that I have but who makes me a better person.

See I just spent 3 days with one of the best friends that I could ever have not just her but her whole family.  Her daughter, my son’s best friend! Her husband, who enjoys his time with my husband and who will watch days of football together.  They went out of town and so we needed to catch up and refill on our things that God blesses us with.  We had a weekend of late nights, good food, van trips, cards, and lots of laughing, Reminders that God isn’t done with me yet... that no matter how bad situations, how misunderstood, how they make me feel, God isn’t done yet.

See I have been through things that I have never talked about and I wasn’t going to share every, I hid them; I stuffed them deep into my memory and forgot it as much as I could.  I succeeded for a long time... then Zach got sick and suffered and while AMAZING and a fighter he died.  I no longer could hide all of my emotions.  The emotions were spewing out and I was spiraling into a dark deep depression and while each of the situations in my life where surfacing I couldn’t share.  Enters my new friend that I didn’t want to push away but I did, I couldn’t share, How could God use all this hurt of all these situations that she didn’t even know about to help me?  How could I ask her to hold some of the pain of my son dying when she didn’t even know that I had two children?  How could I tell her things that I can’t even talk about?

Well God is amazing and what I found was that as I started telling little by little I was able to say that I was trying to heal and trying to deal with Grief in a way that people don’t understand.  One day she randomly made a comment to me and while I know what that comment was, what is important for you to know is that she made the comment that I took as an invitation to yell out for help.  See while I can’t get into details I can say that my childhood and my past while it could be much worse were filled with things that hurt and scarred me.  Scars that I need to let God use.  My mother fought a yearlong battle with brain cancer and her death was something that I never dealt with, I never cried, I moved on.  I dealt with sexual abuse, being slammed up against walls, being forced to do things, bruised and hurt.  I dealt with emotional and psychological abuse, being told I wasn’t good enough, not being pretty, thin or smart. 

God however gave me a safe place to start to heal and today I can say while I don’t understand it that I am honored to have someone that I love as much as I love my best friend, a person that knows when to push me and when to let me rest. So as I say happy New Year’s to everyone...as rough as life has been I'm willing to say today....life is worth it! My vision may be different, my trials misunderstood but life is still amazing.  God isn’t through with me yet!

scars

It has been a long time since I have written and truthfully it is for many reasons. 
Life got busy, Illness came in, Depression crept in and family and friends needed my attention (and I wanted and needed to give it to them).  Even now I am not typing on a program that I cant spellcheck (so forgive me)


God has been bringing things to my attention, this time of the year is hard for many reasons...
+Missing love ones
+Trying to figure out how to honor family that has been with you for everything. That has helped you more than you can express
+Trying to figure out how to honor friends that God has placed in your life, ones that without them you would be lost
+Being a Servant.  I have a servants heart but it is hard for me sometimes to see what I am supposed to do

This year it is a tad harder since I am also dealing with God working with my heart.  Laying things down at his feet and not taking them back.  I have been taking a class that is called "God thinks your scars are Beautiful"  A Class I was invited to at a friends church, a friend that I would be lost without that God has given me to help me sort though and deal with my story.  Not only was I invited by that friend but I recieved an email about it as well.  I figured God was giving me a hint.  God was touching my heart to let me know that I was not the ugly, scarred, horrible person that I often felt that I was.


See we each have a story, every day is a part of it... all the good, bad and ugly.  All the things that we hide and the things that we shout from the mountain tops. Very often the hurts that we have we don't share but God uses them and no matter how painful or ugly they are they are used.  God helps us through them

The things that cause our hearts to be hurt are often ones that have a lasting impact on our lives, they make scars! I am whom I am because of my past.  I don't judge because of what I have been through.  I tend to stick with people no matter what because I had people leave when I needed them.  I don't judge when someone is dealing with sexual abuse and all of the emotions that come with it because I was sexually abused, I don't turn away when someone is in a relationship with physical abuse because I was physically abused, I don't cut down and hate when someone is dealing with psychological abuse because I have had that too. 

For a very long time I have hidden everything, I am the one that everyone comes to but I don't allow myslef to deal with and sort through things.I felt embarassed, ashamed, like it was my fault, that I would be hated.  However, I am learning that the situations that I have gone through, my
"scars" are important and that God uses them.  This is the 1st time I can say that I have shared a whole lot of the things that have happened in my past.  Now I haven't hidden it all for 10 years I have been blessed with my wonderful husband who has supported and loved me every step of the way, but I truthfully didn't handle or deal with it all.  God has blessed me with a WONDERFUL friend that not only do I love dearly but has been through some of the things that I have been, Our SCARS
are similar.  I was able to share and instead of the pain, hurt and anger I thought I was going to get I recieved arms WRAPPED around me and I LOVE YOU spoken.  I was told that I wasn't alone and not only was I told that but I feel that now.  It was freeing to know that some of the things that are so part of me didn't make her hate me.  I was met at God's feet with LOVE and support.

It was a freeing and humbling experience.
I am learning to express it and so far I haven't been able to.  God however is working and I can share this Christmas I have learned that Jesus came to Redeem me.  I am redeemed!!! The scars and the past are a distant memory because God has picked me up and has this under control. 
God is using my skills and my passions daily.  He has surrounded me with a purpose and a task!  One day I will annouce my scars but until I do... know that you are not alone.  There is no emotion, hurt, word or situation that means that you are unworthy of love and friendship! We don't have to walk our lives alone, the scars are meant to be shared as our stories are too.