tears

Sometimes tears just come… they don’t have to be on a schedule or for a reason they can be triggered by a smell, emotion, email or just because.  I was sitting here tonight trying to figure out if writing on the blog was going to happen tonight or if I was going to wait.  I am exhausted and worn out and so there was a battle in my head.  Well most people that know me will say if I am exhausted I am more emotional so here I am with tears streaming down my face.

Could it be because?

·         Because of a friend contacting me telling me she has cancer

·         Because of a friend doing a fundraiser to get a van that is handicapped accessible for a child who has mito and is progressing.

·         Because of a friend doing a fundraiser because of surgery that is coming up and needing to cover costs of it or the friend that posted that they were donated enough money to get a piece of medical equipment that they desperately needed.

·         Because of Birthdays coming up in general and knowing that Zach will never have another birthday

·         Because of My Amazing Husband’s birthday that is coming up because I get to share it with him and get to try to celebrate him the way that he deserves. 

·         Because of My birthday coming up, I don’t know why exactly but for some reason this year it is hard for me and I am struggling with it.

·         Because of Aden’s Birthday because he is turning 7 and is AMAZING.  I am blessed to have him and he is such an amazing young boy. How do you celebrate someone who has been through so much but is still so giving and loving

·         Because of the fact I get to celebrate everyone’s birthday but Zach’s birthday

·         Because of a friend calling me and talking to her on the phone.  I am not a phone person: text yes, email yes, pm yes Phone NO.

·         Because of me trying so hard to change my lifestyle and to do things have no weight lost and to struggle trying to get time to go to the gym and coordinate schedules with all that is going on.

·         Because of my littles at school who remind me daily that Zach isn’t here on earth anymore but I am blessed with others to care about and love on.  I love my littles

·          Because of helping with special needs children and wondering if Zach’s life was to teach me to love and to understand the isolation that comes with being part of that life.  I felt isolated and I know that I had and have a huge support group and I still feel like I am isolated.

·         Because my brain runs and runs and spins with thoughts ideas and other things that I can’t explain.

·         Because I am striving to be a good friend and to be the best that I can be for friends

All I really know is that I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face

Friends

Friend…The Dictionary definition: a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.  To me: a person that you have a desire to talk to, be with and spend your time with.  To Aden: a person who will play with me that I can have fun with.

Why am I writing about the word friend?  The word friend is one that changes definition a lot, it can change based on gender, age, location.  We have people at work that we call work friends, People at school that are school friends, People at church that are school friends.  Are they really friends? Do you care enough to tell them that you are praying for them when you actually are? Do you care enough to stay up till 2am because they can’t sleep? Do you care enough to let them cry, scream or fuss? 

I have a friend or two that I have known forever, we went through all the things of elementary school and high school together, then we went to different colleges and we wrote but slowly we drifted apart.  When we got to talk we would pick back up but life happened.  Life got in the way.  I have friends that I enjoy to text and chat but seeing them I freeze, not because of them but the environment so I struggle to build deeper relationships with them.  I have people I want to friends with but for whatever reason it never seems to get deeper than a “hi” or a few minutes of small talk. 

I am always curious as to if things were different what would happen but I think that I am going to say this… all the things that I have gone through makes me who I am… so for some it scares them away for some it keeps them from being willing to talk to me.  However for others the relationship, the friendship, is started because of the experiences that I understand.  I don’t shy away from people that are going through rough situations.  I don’t walk away when others have.  I don’t judge because of a mistake.  I simply try to be the best friend that I can be.  I simply try to remind them that I am not afraid of tears.  I simply try to be there whenever they need to be. 

See I know that friends matter, I know that people matter; I know what people say and do can make you or break you… Do you?

prayer

I have been sitting here trying to figure out what to write on the blog… I write a few lines and then I delete it thinking that isn’t what I should be writing and then I write again and delete again.  Tonight my mind is racing wondering what God wants me to do, what the purpose is of this life, if I make a difference.  For whatever reason I always get this way when I have something that I really want prayer for but I don’t know who or how to share it? 

See I learned with Zach’s illness and his death that I am an extremely private person…  I learned that I don’t like exposing myself to others or asking for help.  I am very much the one that others come to and I am very much the one that helps others, so being able to share and to allow others to help me is extremely hard.  So I sit here… thinking about prayer.  What is prayer?

Prayer the simple act of thinking or saying words to God, having a conversation with God, often not hearing or knowing a response sometimes it is script of words that are always the same and sometimes it is literally the cry of our hearts.  Prayer is interesting because you can always pray for a person, sometimes we pray when someone comes to mind but doesn’t have to be because we know something or because we know of a situation.  It simply can be because the person came to mind.  I often pray for the people that I work with, parents of children, friends at church, and friends that I want to be closer with.  I often stop and ask God to put His tender and loving arms around a close friend because it might look a tad weird to just hug and be in tears.  Prayer presenting our requests, desires, and hopes before God.

Prayer is often something you can ask for and know that without spilling your guts someone will lift you up to God and ask for His arms to be around you.  I often don’t put myself out there but there are times when being picked up by God and placed on His lap with His AMAZING arms around you is what you need.  Tonight I asked a friend to pray because I was too embarrassed to say anything else… her response was “ok that is the great thing about prayer, I can be across the world and I don’t need to know all the details and I can help, I can show you I care by praying”

That comment got me thinking… do I pray for my friends? I do but do I really pray? Do I lift every detail of their life up? Do I pray for children, spouses, work, and all the intimate details? All the details that no one would be willing to share but that God knows… without telling us, GOD KNOWS!!!  My goal is to be a better friend, to pray more and to life them up to God more. 

It's a new day

So God does Amazing things… I always knew it, sometimes it is hard, but I knew it.  The hardest time to see this is when you have a bad thing, a tragedy occur.  It is no secret that I am still learning how to make it day by day after Zach’s death.  It is something that I had to radically change my life afterwards… losing friends, losing my identity, losing my routine, losing my SON.  However, this post isn’t about the bad, the hard or the trials.  This is about the Amazing things that have occurred!

While Zach was alive our life was always up in the air, we never could plan things because of his health being unstable.  Aden never knew who he was going to be with or if he was going to be staying the night with his family or someone else.  Aden wasn’t invited to birthday parties, he was left out of things because parents thought it was contagious or they thought it would be too much work on me.  I stressed about school but I didn’t have much choice because of Zach’s health.

So now I can honestly look back and from November 2011 till now and I know that God has blessed Aden, not just Aden but Me as well.  During the first part of 2011, I prayed and prayed that Aden would start to develop friendships that would matter.  I prayed and prayed that Aden would get the Godly base that he needs.  I prayed and prayed that Aden would get the educational base.  I prayed and prayed and really I prayed some more that Aden would get a teacher that cared enough and that would help him make it through all of the emotions that he has.  In doing this I talked to several about private schools that they went to and I was in the midst of praying about it. 

During all of these prayers about Aden, I prayed for me.  I needed to have something to do and I needed to fill in some of the holes that I had and some of the emotions.  It was during this time that I was told that I may be helpful at HOPE Academy.  I prepared my resume and my references,  I brought my background check and I went. During the interview I felt God asking me to talk about a spot for Aden.  Well the rest is history, Aden is in fact at HOPE and so am I. 

The Awesomeness that it has brought is amazing…. Aden has friends, Aden has had teachers (not just his grade teachers but other teachers) that care about him, Aden has the ability to help others that have had fathers and other relatives die, Aden has gotten to learn that school maters but emotions do to.  Yesterday we went to Lego Land Atlanta, it was a schoolwide field trip which was amazing. K2-12^th grade, Aden was excited but I will be honest I was too.  I knew that we would have a good time but I never expected the blessing that I got.  How AWESOME is it to spend a day doing Legos and have it count as school???

I got to talk to several parents that I don’t know very well, at least one conversation that I am waiting to see where it goes and what evolves into. I got to build blocks and have competitions with the adults.  We had rematches after rematches; while the kids played we did to.  We were able to learn as well.  I realized how blessed I am to have a friend that cares about me, one that can read me and can ask the right question at the same time, one that isn’t afraid to drink after me or that we can have community plates at dinner.  I am blessed to have other staff members that I can pull up floor with and chat.  I was blessed to get to know another parent even more and I have to say it was a blast to talk, laugh, and have a good time. 

We spent all day there and we decided we would just do dinner out together so I called Adam and asked him to meet us there since he worked semi close and we walked over to dinner.  We had a table of 5 adults and 4 children, sitting at table watching all of the kids playing.   I couldn’t help but think we are now at a place that we matter! I am waiting to see what will happen next

Really????

It’s a small piece of material… probably ½ inch tall and about 2 ½ inches long.  It comes in different colors and patterns.  Some of them have characters, some are made for boys and some are made for girls.  Some of them are pretty and some of them are boring.  They actually come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.  Children tend to LOVE using them; Parents decide to give in just to stop hearing them whine.  When they are needed they are used to help people get better and they are used to make things better, typically they follow tears and screams although not always and typically kisses and hugs follow.

Any clue on what I am talking about????

If you guessed Band-Aids then you are correct!  They are little things that we use on our children when they get hurt, sometimes even placing them on booboos that don’t exist.  As adults we don’t use them often for ourselves, however, every now and thing it comes to the instance when you need them.  I haven’t had to use them a whole lot for Aden… a busted chin, a scratched knee, a bug bite that needed protection from fingers that couldn’t stay away.  I used them a lot for Zach.  To be honest, Zach had them on him a lot.  He had them for iv’s, CVLs that got pulled, PICCs that got pulled, blood draws, falls, busted foreheads, scratched arms… well you get the point.

So why am I talked about Band-Aids, it is a weird topic to be writing about at midnight.  I should be going to sleep, I should be okay but instead I am thinking about Band-Aids.  Tonight I scratched my arm and I instinctively went to my purse and I grabbed a Band-Aid out of my purse.  As I was putting it on my arm I was talking to a good friend and she asked what was on the Band-Aid, she hadn’t seen them before.  I told her they were purple with dinosaurs that are skateboarding on them; TEARS welled up in my eyes and started streaming down my face.  Someone sitting at our table didn’t understand and my friend who was being a huge help to me explained it and instantly one got it and the other one was clueless having to be explained to multiple times.  Finally it was explained… “I had an almost 4 year old son who was very seriously ill and I lost him, these were his Band-Aids, hospital Band-Aids!”  The tears kept streaming down and I sat wondering why? How? What would I do to be able to place one more on Zach, one more onto Buddy? 

Really ALL this for a Band-Aid, a small piece of material used to cover an open wound on my arm, ripped my heart open WIDE open.  REALLY, that is all I can say REALLY???

Blessed

I have to say that I am extremely blessed to work with some amazing women, let me retype that some AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING women.  Notice I didn’t say perfect, I think that all of them would probably shy away from the fact that I am typing this post and yet I am still compelled to let the world know what is being laid on my heart.  I also have to admit I didn’t tell them that I was typing this post!!!

I am blessed to work with some amazing women… they walk with their emotions on their sleeves (just like I do) and they walk each step trying to make sure that God is the one that is leading them.  I am starting (just starting) to build relationships with them and I am in awe.  Some of them I got to church with, some of them I share classrooms and meetings with, some I talk to late at night and text.  Each I am learning has a direct reason to be in my life.  I am blessed to have taught and to teach some of their littles (think k2-k3).  They are encouraging me to use my strengths and admit I have strengths.  That they will brag on Aden!

I am blessed to know one of the most mission oriented women ever, her heart melts for missions… She has a true PASSION for missions and touches so many lives through God reaching through her.  She leads and sets up fundraisers for Compassion International and while I don’t know all the details I do know this.  There are several projects that have children that need to be sponsored.  By sponsoring a child you help them learn about God, have food, and be able to go to school.  This doesn’t sound like much especially here in the United States when we don’t seem to care about how much of things that we have but we want the biggest and newest.  These Children, These Families, struggle to provide a meal a day of rice and beans, they are lucky to have a one room house that is 7 feet by 7 feet, that is smaller than most bedrooms.  Our school has sponsored a child and Aden is learning what the little that he can give can provide for other families lots.  He has given money to make sure that the little boy (who is his age) has food and his family has food.  He has also prayed for the family.  It has allowed us to talk more about helping others and putting himself after others.  She is looking for people that will be willing to sponsor a child and who would be willing to donate a onetime gift to provide clean water for a family.  If you are interested please let me know!!!

Right now I am feeling blessed that Aden is in such a loving environment, that they encourage him, that they teach him about all things so He will be well rounded!

Total randomness!!!

Every time I go to write I think… Things should be different.  Well the reality is, they should be different but the truth is that we were given a responsibility to keep walking when most of the world gives up.  We walked through Zach’s life never knowing what things were going to come our way or what we were going to do.  We strived to give him the best quality of life, allowing him to enjoy things even knowing that he wouldn’t be able to do anything afterwards.  Aden lived each day not knowing where he was going or if I was going to be here to tuck him in at night.  I think every day, I should be better, I should be different I should… well you fill in the blanks.

So here I go I am writing this as part of the conversation in my head, come on in and pull up a seat, enjoy your popcorn as well. 

It is a new school year, Zach should be here, and he would love it.  Aden is here and he LOVES school.  He is at an amazing school with an amazing teacher, with people that love him and where he is learning about God.  He is accepted even with his GI issues, which let me just say, I hate GI issues… they are slowly getting better but abdominal migraines suck and they are hard to explain, we never know when they are going to happen or where.  Can you imagine being with a group of children and having an accident? He is 6.5 years old and he has accidents still, at his new school he is loved and accepted.  He has a best friend that loves him for him, she loves him and protects him, she watching out for him and they have the best of times.  He has the best time with his friend and she understands him, they have the BEST time doing things and will beg to be together.  I am delighted that he has a friend that matters that much.  He has a new class this year and he isn’t the only boy, YIPPPPEEEE!! I am so delighted and so is he.  I can’t believe that his birthday is coming up, what do I do? Where do we have it? What theme do we have? Who do we invite? We have time but this year his birthday is not going to be overshadowed by Zach’s death, we are going to celebrate Aden, and we are going to celebrate his life!!!! My amazing wonderful awesome son!  So what do we do.. have a party at a park inviting friends and family or do we just do a small family party or what. 

With being a new school year I also started a new role, I am teaching, I can’t believe that I get to do something that I love so much, to love on and to educate the littles.  It is something that I never thought that I would do, I mean I was focused on Zach and I was educating the world about him.  I was learning as I went… however now I am with 9 other little ones teaching them that God loves them and that they are so incredibly important to me.  I am reminded everyday that they are gifts, to do all that they do, to be potty trained, to talk, to eat, to grow and to love.  I get to be part of it every day and I am honored.  It is sometimes odd to think that I get to play and have a good time.  I am still sometimes amazed that I am working somewhere where the women pray for those that they worth with and are positive.  We are rolling with the changes and are learning to be there for each other.

Over a month ago I gave up Diet Coke, yes, put your tongue back in your mouth!!! I gave it up because I wanted to be healthier, I gave it up because I was having major issues with anxiety and depression and while I have several valid reasons for those issues we wanted to make sure that the caffeine and all wasn’t part of the issue.  I loved the bubble that is what I thought I would miss but truth is I haven’t missed it.  I about a week ago had some and I thought it was the worst thing ever.  I am also trying we are rolling with the changes and are learning to be there for each other. to go to the gym, with the start of school it has been really hard to do it but I am still making it… I am going to the gum and I am going on walks as well.  I have missed going when I can’t but it is a bit of a struggle trying to get used to school, having a 1^st grader (wait how do I have a first grader), working, cooking, clothes, etc.  I am learning how to have a new routine!.  I am thinking about starting the new app couch25k, I would love to be able to run a 5k next year.  I am not sure if I am crazy or not!

In work and in my workout life, I have developed new friends and for that I am thankful, ones that I can be myself around... teaching me to be girly. I got my hair highlighted for the 1st time and have my toes painted, and they are even painted in a multitude of colors.  I have ones that I stay up late talking to and who understand how it is to be part of a "club" that no one wants to be part of, I have ones that met me at the gym and work out with me, ones that are willing to pray with and are interested in my life.  Yes times have changed, they should be different but truth is God knows exactly what He is doing and I just need to hang on for the ride!