11 months

11 Months, Today is 11 months and so I am praying that I can start to get things together to take to the hospital. The pain is VERY VERY real and I am praying that this will make someone else’s pain a tad easier.  I know that the way I hurt isn’t the way the next one will hurt but I know that I lived a life that no one should have to and it ended far before we were ready for it too.  11 months seems like a breath then I am reminded that Zach has now been dead longer than I was able to carry him inside of me.  I am reminded that he is now dead longer than the number of days that he was inpatient for 2011.  I am reminded that these days will add up and will continue to grow and one day he will be dead on earth longer than he was alive on Earth. 

Zach was perfect and we let him do all the things that we could but we also spent lots of time in the hospital and making things better.  Today I was taking care of a little boy that was about the same age as Zach, he had what we think was an allergic reaction, I didn’t hesitate and I went back into medical momma mode.  I miss it, I miss hugging on Zach, talking to him, loving on him and taking care of him medically, I had a closeness to Zach that I miss.  I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking that I need to do medications or that I need to check the pump that is beeping.  I still have moments in the day when I think that I have to check for an appointment that I can’t miss or that I need to check to see if he is breathing.

The children that we are collecting for through Remembering Zachary deserve to have days, months and years outside the hospital but they are instead laying in a hospital bed with parents looking on wondering what the next things that they are going to be robbed of.  They wonder if they are going to have another day of school, a full night of sleep, a day without things going “wrong”.  They wonder if they have the procedure done on their child that they need to if they will wake up again, if it is worth it. 

11 Months ago, we were staring lovingly at our precious boy who smiled and loved everyone,  He was amazing and wonderful.  He had mito but Mito didn’t have him.  He struggled as Mito robbed his body little by little of the things that he needed to live and to cope.  We were robbed little by little of the time that we were could spend with him and the things that we could do.  Zach’s body gave up, Zach gave up.  The week before Zach died we had a conversation with Zach, he asked us if Buddy could go to see “Jsus” (Jesus) with him, I told him absolutely and that Buddy was his.  WE loved on Zachary and Buddy....we gave medications to them and made them comfortable.  11 Months ago today Zach and Buddy were blessed and welcomed into Heaven to spend time with Jesus.  Yesterday I had tears in my eyes missing him and my mother and I suddenly thought yes but Zach is hugging my mom right now, they aren’t alone and neither am I.

Please consider donating to help us take things to CHOA Scottish Rite, please help us touch lives that are desperatly needing some smiles in their lives right now.  Please help us bring smiles to children and tears to parents as they see their children enjoying themselves.  It all matters, everything no matter what, no matter how small or how silly matters. 

Items and ideas:

-hotwheels, cars, trucks, other vehicles of any size
-babies or other dolls
-markers all sizes and types
-paper: copy paper, construction paper of all sizes
-notebooks
-new dress up clothes (boys and girls)
-new brightly colored pillowcases
-books for all ages
-DVDs rating pg and under
-balls
-games for all ages
-stickers
-coloring books
-play dough sets and just dough
-pens, pencils and other writing instruments
-store bought prepackaged snacks
-iTunes gift cards
-visa gift cards

In honor of Buddy Zach’s friend for life.. There is a group online that is making them with build a bear animals. It isn’t buddy but for another child it would be a friend going through the same thing. We would like to help other families through this as well.

Please contact them at: myminibuddy@gmail.com. You can donate to them through paypal myminibuddy@gmail.com Any amount of money will help, I am not sure how much it costs but including shipping is probably close to 30 dollars.

Please make sure to let them know you are donating in Zachary Moody’s honor. We want to try to get a picture of all of them to save

Mother's Day

REALLY!!! It's Mother's day and I'm sitting here wondering how my heart and my brain will work through this. Mother's day a day set aside for us to celebrate the women of our lives. The women of our lives are neccesarly mothers but are women who have loved us and helped us through out our lives. I feel blessed that I had a mother who loved me... She helped me with school, taught me about unconditional love and walked through life with me as the apple other eye. In 2002, my mother after almost a year fight died losing her battle with brain cancer. Many people in my life now never doubted that my mom existed or that she was a lovely lady. In 2011, my life was flipped upside down when one of the people that mattered the most in my life lost his battle theirs mitochondrial disease. A disease that robbed him of a lot but didn't rob him of his spirit, zach had mito but mito didn't have him. Why am I saying this on Mother's Day..simply because of this...I am still a mom of two, I was blessed with two children and while one is now with God. I am still. Mom of two. This was the first mothers day where I have my mom and a child with God and I can say I made it through. It was hard and crushing but it was good too. I am praying that I will make a difference. My goal into make as big of an impact in my life as my mother and my son did.

Random

Once again it's been weeks I tried to write this blog before and it closed out so frustrated I shut it and went on with life...trying again! It's may, how in the world is it may already? I was very very thankful when may rolled around. See Adam's insurance wasnt effective till may 1st so once may rolled around I was able to call doctors, get meds, and know all is good. I'm thankful for insurance, as much as I, we, whine about it I am now aware that without it life is hard. During our time without insurance we had a er visit, a doctor appointment, an urgent care visit, lab work and cultures as well as medications....I'm thankful for insurance. Its may, how in the world is it may already? Aden is getting ready for the end of school... I'm excited as well but it also means that after a year of change Aden is going to graduate from kindergarten. Already??? My little guy is getting big. Adam and I are looking forward to Aden being made special, to us he is but he has made an accomplishment. I am in awe. He is getting big, riding a bike and graduating from kindergarten. Can't wait to figure out how to stay busy this summer. People have asked me for ideas for him for graduation, he has several things that he really wants and that we are saving for if you're intrested please text me or message me. Its may, how in the world is it may already? May mothers day, normally I'm always sending cards letting people kow how much they matter but I will be totally honest this year has been hard. I've struggled with buying cards and with signing cards and with what to do or give...this simply is a day for this one year I want to skip. For whatever reason I am missing my mom greatly and that has caused me to miss zach mor which has made me feel like I've missed the boat this year on one of the biggest days of the year to celebrate the women in my life It's may, how in the world is it may already? When I started Remembering Zachary, I honestly thought everyone had forgotten him, I mean I know that they hadnt but life goes on and I'm still hurting. I started it because I was hurting missing him. It started because I have very important people in my life that dont know that zach exist, that Aden isnt an only child or that adam and I have two chldren. Im honored that things are coming in, how many lives will be touched by the things that are coming in? I'm honored to be able to call him my son. People have asked me about things to do as part of this and so I was thinking I would write some about it all. My family and I would like to take items to the TICU and picu to the child life persn that can make sure that the items get passed out to patients and th families, these items bring smiles not only to the children's faces but to the parents and siblings as well. Sometimes it takes little things to bring a smile. These children are birth to 21 years old and may not be cognitively or physically able to do everything. In saying this that is why we are asking for all ages and genders. Often these children don't care if it is for the wrong age or gender they are thankful, zach often used princess stickers because that was all they have and he was delighted to show them off. Items and ideas: -hotwheels, cars, trucks, other vehicles of any size -babies or other dolls -markers all sizes and types -paper: copy paper, construction paper of all sizes -notebooks -new dress up clothes (boys and girls) -new brightly colored pillowcases -books for all ages -DVDs rating pg and under -balls -games for all ages -stickers -coloring books -play dough sets and just dough -pens, pencils and other writing instruments -store bought prepackaged snacks -iTunes gift cards -visa gift cards -buddies as listed in several posts (please contact me for details) I would be delighted pass on any items and would be happy to shop if you would like to donate! I am honored to share in zachs name and in his honor. Thank you for helping me

Thinking

Thinking about Zachary isn't hard to do, figuring out what to do with all the emotions however is.  Grief is like waves sometimes the water is still and you can see the beautiful beach for miles then other times the current pulls you into deeper water where you can't catch your breath but are hit wave after wave after wave.   Sometimes you can see others on the beach and be fine till one little thing, thought, or person throws you into deep water.  Random things, thinking of Zachary and his sweet sweet smile or as odd as a band aid. Somedays my heart just hurts without a reason that can be figured out or explained. Other days I can be doing something and feel hugs from zach without a doubt I can feel him. Aden has a sweet sweet heart and I am convinced God blessed him with that heart to love zach deeper, however, we have seen that heart love on others and pray for things in ways that we didn't expect fom a 6 year old. As we get ready for him to complete kindergarten I realize this is on of the first milestones that zach will never have. Zach rode the bus, he went to school but he will never have another birthday, be invited to another birthday party, or attend much less gaduate from kindergarten. Sitting down to fill in invitations I realized how having a little brother like zach mattered to Aden. The things that Aden has done to reach out and love on others Zach touched us all.... It is hard cause we know we have people in our lives that don't know zach, they don't even know of him really. How hard is this? To have to explain that Aden has a brother, I'm not as blunt as aden who will flat out say, I have a brother who is in heaven, he died. I, however, am still struggling on how to answer questions. People can tell me all day LONG answer this way but nothing has settled in my heart as the right answer. So sitting here thinking of zachary isn't hard to do

out

I’m out of words… plain and simple

I am feeling very blessed; good family and good friends around me.

I am feeling amazed to see what God is doing… new friends who aren’t only amazing but get me, who don’t run and hide in a dark room unless I am there and they are joining me.  Friends who have allowed me to fall asleep on them while texting or im’ing (no idea how to write that word).  Friends who have been bold enough to share about themselves to let me know that I am so not alone.   

I am feeling a tad overwhelmed and clueless.  This is for several things but I just realized that I am not I a position where I have friends that never knew Zach, not just that they never met him but they don’t know that I have 2 children.  Friends that think that Aden is an only child, almost like Zach was a figment of my imagination which is very hard for me to process how to tell them that Aden had a younger brother. 

Which puts me to Remembering Zachary… To clarify and to make more sense…

I would like to collect items for my immediate family to take, so if you get us the items, Gift cards or whatever we will plan to take them.  I have a list of low energy items that the children and their families will be able to enjoy.  These items will be given to a child or family member (sibling or parent).

·        Markers

·        Playdough

·        Stickers

·        Construction paper

·        Legos

·        Cars like hotwheels

·        Notebooks

·        Crayons

·        Small bags (like tote bags)

·        I tune gift cards

·        Movies (DVDs rated PG13 and lower)

·        Glue

·        Games for all ages

·        Paint

·        Bags of snacks for parents

·        Color wonder sets

·        Colorful pillowcases

·        Mini Buddy Friends (Please contact them at: myminibuddy@gmail.com. You can donate to them through paypal myminibuddy@gmail.com Any amount of money will help, I am not sure how much it costs but including shipping is probably close to 30 dollars.  They will make them and send them to me so I can take them Please make sure to let them know you are donating in Zachary Moody’s honor)

Steps, baby steps

Steps, even baby steps are important. As I am answering all sorts if questions about Remembering Zachary, I'm reminded of how much I am not pepared for. I have new people in my life that never good to meet him but zach has impacted their life as well. I'm forever going to be a different person. Praying for the hurt that is so deep that people are Afraid to admit.

I have learned depression and anxiety are misunderstood.
I have learned heart conditions suck, well, they do no matter the age, you can't live without you heart.
I have learn families are put in positions that others don't understand.
I have learned words are empty no matter who they come from if they are not backed up.
I have learned it is possible to hurt so badly because of a life situation that breathing hurts.
I have learned texting the pastor at 3:30am multiple Sundays in a row will get you to be an example from the pulpit.
I have learned sometimes you need people and they cant be there for you.
I have learned sometimes you cant be there when you are needed.
I have learned that caring if often all you can do when watching a friend hurt.
I have learned listening is extremely important.
I have learned death changes you.
I don't want zach to be Forgotten, there is still days of lts of pain but I'm here thinking and praying for my friends

In Honor... with changing and new info

It’s been a few days and I am just now sitting down to do this…. This morning marked 10 months and I am reminded that this is new to use and that we are walking in territory that we have never been in before. I could write for a long time about the pain, hurt, mad, sadness etc my heart is feeling but instead I would like t take a second to let you know something that we have planned.

Zachary was often a patient at Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta at Scottish Rite. He was a patient in the ICU and the TICU for the last year of his life. As we were there we learned the things that they do to try to make the child’s life and the parents live easier and Zach often got his favorite things from child life. He often got stickers, markers, and playdough.

The Moody Family will be asking that you consider helping us collect items to take up to the hospital, Zach still has many friends that come and go from the ICU/TICU and many that need to have a smile brought to their face. If you knew Zach you knew that he was a happy and loving child and would often share his happiness to others. We hope to present these items to the Child Life specialist that was Zach’s favorite and we have gotten a list from her of items that they are in need of and added some more things to it. We are hoping to go up to Scottish on July 2^nd which would have been Zach’s 5^th birthday to share his love and memory. I will be starting a facebook group and will be posting more details there. I will be happy to answer questions. If you live farther away and would like to donate a giftcard I will be happy to go and get things for you. If you have a child that visits another hospital and you want to donate there please feel free just take a picture of yall doing it. My goal is to put this all in a book to remember

To Touch and Make their illnesses a tad easier for the anniversary of his passing we want his memory to live on through donations of the following items to be donated at Scottish Rite (TICU/PICU) in honor of Zachary.

·        Markers

·        Construction paper

·        Glue

·        Foam

·        Stickers

·        Playdough

·        I tunes gift card

·        notebooks

·        Bags with snacks for parents

·        Crayons

·        Color wonder set

·        Cars

·        Games for all ages

If there are other items please feel free, anything that your child likes that can bring a smile, remember these children may be confined to the bed.

In honor of Buddy Zach’s friend for life.. There is a group online that is making them with build a bear animals.  It isn’t buddy but for another child it would be a friend going through the same thing. We would like to help other families through this as well.

Please contact them at: myminibuddy@gmail.com.  You can donate to them through paypal myminibuddy@gmail.com Any amount of money will help, I am not sure how much it costs but including shipping is probably close to 30 dollars.

Please make sure to let them know you are donating in Zachary Moody’s honor.  We want to try to get a picture of all of them to save.

My contact information will be given by email:

skippyjas@gmail.com