blessing

I am thankful that God loves me, I am thankful that He sends signs to let me know that things are going to be okay.  Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I started to worry about the little things, I know better, I know that I can't do anything by worrying but there were things that kept coming up to the surface.  This morning I helped Adam get off to his meetings and I started to think of all the things that we need to do.  I took out trash, did dishes, did all of the things that I could get started. 

I have learned that I am not one that easily says that what I need or when I need help.  I have learned that if someones wants to bless us that I accept it graciously.  I have a hard time opening my mouth and admitting when my heart is hurting and when I might need help.  This is one thing that I am thankful that God doesn't depend on me to have all the answers.

I am thankful that God blesses me no matter what... I am thankful for family that loves on me and that helps us when we need it, willing to watch Aden and that I love to be with and to travel with.  I am thankful for having a wonderful husband who will do everything that he can to provide for us.  I am honored to be married and to truely LOVE my husband.  I am thankful for friends... those friends that I have had for a long time and for those that I am just getting to know.  For the ones that have gotten married and had little ones, ones that are willing to share the little ones with me.  I love them... JP, I love you today and always!!! I am thankful we are close again and that I get to share your little elf, he is precious and so perfect.  I am thankful for the friends that are willing to share with me when I have questions that don't have answers.  The ones that know who I am but don't get mad when I doubt certain things.  In this case I am thankful that we had people who bless us with items, with the little things.

Remember those little things that I was worrying about last night before I went to sleep, the ones that I knew I shouldn't have worried about but I was... God blessed us with some things that took care of those little things.   Like God always done, He takes care of those who are His.  I am honored that God cares about all things even the little things

How does that happen?

Every now and then I do something and I forget what all has happened in the past 6 almost 7 months…. Today was one of those days.  Adam, Aden and I went out to breakfast a treat for all of us but also some time for us to sit and chat and to remind each other that everything no matter how hard it may seem is okay.  When we got home Adam was studying for his masters’ class, Aden was playing a video game on the Wii and me, and well I was sitting at the computer talking to some of my favorite people.  I got up and went to the bathroom and it happened. 

I forgot that Zach was in Heaven, Aden’s bedroom door was pulled almost closed, Zach and him used to share a room.  The house was in quiet mode, something that we haven’t had to do in almost 7 months, you know that mode where everyone is doing something but trying to remain quiet so we don’t wake or disturb Zach.  While washing my hands I wondered which medication was next and if it was time for me to do a med into his line and if so where the hand sanitizer was.  I opened the door walked to Aden’s room and quietly opened the door, REALITY hit me hard.  Zach wasn’t there, his bed wasn’t there, and time has moved on, Zach is in heaven.

How do you forget? What a horrible feeling as a mom to realize that for about 5 minutes I thought that Zach was still here, not horrible because I wanted to see him but horrible in the amount of pain that it caused.  The pain is real and the heartache is unbearable at times.  This is an experience that you can’t explain and that to the outside the world makes no sense… 8 months ago if I heard this I would have wondered about the psychological state of the person telling me but now I can say grief changes your life.  My life changed when I had a child who was sick, a child with mito, but it changed again forever when he died.  I have a ton of experiences I would have never have had, I love more now than I did before, I care more now about things that people don’t always get.  I am now learning the pain of grief, of not being able to love on, hold, talk to, or take care of your child can hit you in the oddest ways at the times that you least expect it.

Word part 2

So many people understood the beach story that I am going to try to eleborate on it a tad.

So on a beach you have the water or the ocean and you have the shore. Most people have a favorite of what they do but many people sit on the beach. They play and do other things to pass time and relax, reading, tanning, talking to name a few. They only look up on occasion to glance over the water.

Sometimes if you are sitting on shore when of glance up you notice the waves, they an be big or choppy or they might just look different. Sometimes you notice a pelican dive bombing into the water to catch a fish or sometimes you notice the sun and how is reflecting on the clouds or if it is gone. You notice the people playing in the water, but you only see their heads or part of them.

If you are sitting on the beach and you are making a sand castle then you are aware of the waves, see the waves move the sand and they destroy what you have built on occasions. Sometimes you have to start totally over, sometimes you have a little of the castle left and sometimes you have a person who just gtd do frustrated they stop and give up, throwing the shovel and pail to go to another activity.

If you are in the water you don't aways see where the undertow is taking you, you may wind up hundreds of yards away from your stuff. You don't realize how bright the sun is and how you might be getting sunburnt. You don't even notice the people around you possibly, you were caught up with the people you are with doing the things that you are doing.

Okay so why am I telling you this... Yesterday was a good day at the beach, it was pretty and calm and enjoyable. The waves came but the were mild and they didn't effect the emotions of the day. The pain was there but it was overshadowed by joy. I felt the best that I have felt in about two weeks. The waves came without noticing it they became rough and more painful, till I noticed that I was far away from where I needed to be hurting and all alone in the water. I was strong enough to realize those emotions don't have to win and I came to shore to find out the the tide was up an the water has swept away my things. I could look up and see the good... People that care and love tht is there but so tired from the emotions that I just gave up and laid down, crying and praying. For me I start to doubt what I should be doing and if I have a reason to be here. I start to doubt if I make a difference, if I am a good mom, if I am a good wife. Waves and waves and waves of emotions

So this morning I am sitting on the beach clinging to the shore where the waves are gentle in hopes that I can be okay, that I can make a difference and realize I am not alone.

Words

Well there isn't much I can say at this moment... Greiving is like the waves of the ocean. They come and go, sometimes they are huge and powerful and other times the waves are soft and shallow. There are times though when those waves are unexpectly powerful and deep. The people on the shores, your family and friends, can't see how powerfully strong they are. They see that the waves are gentle and all is good. They can't feel the undertow of the currents and they can't tell that the ground is soggy and muddy, gross to stand on but also slippery and takes everything out of you to stand upright.

Same is true with life, often the circumstances that we are in flavor what we do or how feel about other things. Sometimes we need friends and family to love on us enough to gentle encourage us to move just a bit, to close our eyes for just a moment taking our focus off of the stuff that is there but to remind us we are still okay and not alone, that there is another voice which comes from outside our head which means we are not alone.

I have to say I am blessed... I know that I am not alone, I struggle with it all but I am not alone. I have friends and family that love me enough to bless me out. For those that dont know what that means that means that they love me enough to say things that could hurt and often do sting in order to help me move on. This week has been one of those weeks, I felt so negiative about everything and so upset beyond words that I could even put together. I had 3 people who let me fuss and complain to them. However after a while they stood up and said this isnt me talking.

See grieve and depression take over, it becomes where it is all you can see but it isn't the end. They were trying to remind me that i can't get so overwhelmed that i forget that I am loved. That there are things that I need to work on and improve on and say but that I am okay. I made it this far, God will not drop me now. That as the waves hit to look up, see the beautiful sunset and sky.

2 days

I have thought for 2 days on what to write about…

I mean some of the people that read this know me personally (like for years), some know me personally but only for a short time, some know me as an imaginary friend (you know the ones that live inside the computer that I talk to for hours but no one else can see), and some were passed my information because of my amazing son.  So I am left with “what do I say? How much is too much? How transparent do I want to be?” So I will warn you this posting is going to get a little deep but I have to write it.

You are never alone…NEVER.  There is nothing that you can go through that you are the only one, the problem is twofold though 1. Finding someone that has been through it and 2. Believing in your heart that it is okay to be going through the situation.  I guess there is a 3^rd problem being bold enough to admit to a person about the situation (to be honest in the situation).  Now in saying this there isn’t another person that will understand 100% what you are going through, though similar situations they are never the same.  I had a friend this week, one that I have never ever met in real life ask me a question.  When she asked me I didn’t know, but I know that there is another person that I am friends with who felt the same way and told me about it.  However, I am trying to figure out if I can go back and ask her questions about it.  So back this question…It is one that I had never thought about, honestly and so I am going to write some about the things that I have been asked and told in hopes that you will know you aren’t alone.

My friend asked me as she typed from a hospital room, as we often have over the past 2 years, you always hear “if you are feeling like you are going to hurt yourself or that you want to kill yourself, please go get help” they always ask you when you check into the ICU “have you even had depression or been abused?” so what happens if you are wishing that God will come and take you from all the situations, what happens if you wish that you were in a fatal car accident, are you suicidal? Do you go and get help? Do you need help?  Well I will be honest, I have heard those things and been asked those questions, which I have a huge, huge problem with being in the middle of a medical crisis and having a person that you don’t know ask you if you have been abused or if you have ever been depressed, that isn’t exactly the time nor the place, but whatever.  But I have never thought about it, I mean I know that Jesus asked for the cup to be taken from Him, I have heard people say I don’t want to deal with this anymore just kill me.  However, I never thought about it in a serious moment.

I instantly thought back to a friend, who although I haven’t know her for a long time she is one that I know will check on me and has provided smiles to my family, We met for coffee (well for me diet coke) and a bagel.  I knew that she wanted to check on me, I knew she was scared that I wasn’t okay and that I was being the caretaker I am and I wasn’t telling because I wasn’t going to be a burden on anyone.  We started our conversation, I hope it is her anyway if not I am combining stories horribly, and it turned to her telling me that one day she was driving and that she thought about how she could drive her car off the road and that could be the end of it.  For her it was a thought that provoked getting help.  I was being told it is okay to need help. 

So being the friend I am I told the friend that typed me the question this… It is okay to need help, it is okay to ask for help, it is okay to not be okay (although I can attest this isn’t saying that it feels okay cause it doesn’t), it is okay to need to be loved and supported by those close to you, and it is okay to not be able to talk.  It doesn’t mean that she is less of a Believer, it doesn’t mean that she is less of a Christian, it doesn’t mean that she is any less of an amazing person, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have enough faith.  That if she was seriously thinking that (like more that a frustrated min as I know her child is ill) that she needed to find a counselor or a psychologist that could help her sort through the thoughts.  She told me that she just needed to know that it is okay to feel overwhelmed and like she needed help and that she can’t ask at her church because depression is such a taboo topic.  I get that, I was told that I didn’t have enough faith and that is why Zach was sick and then I was also told that I didn’t have enough faith and didn’t pray enough and that is why Zach died.  I understand her fear, we are unmeaningly (is that a word) taught that if things aren’t okay then we are the problem, that we don’t believe enough, pray enough, have enough faith, or trust God enough.  I assured her that she was and is going to make it through and it isn’t a knock on her.

Yesterday I thought about this… we are separate by miles (opposite sides of the US) and yet I was the one that she felt comfortable with talking to.  I have several near me that I want to talk to by my heart is so guarded I am scared to pour out my heart to them.  Why??? We all have things that we need support on; work, jobs, families, extended families, children, illnesses, past experiences that hurt, and many more.  By me posting and talking about some of the rawness of the emotions that I have had with Zach it allowed her to feel like she could reach out and get help, it allowed her to know that there was someone that wouldn’t judge her but that would love on her, that if I was closer that I would wrap my arms around her and LOVE on her. 

So here is part of my 2012 goals, to be one of the ones that is used to let people know that it is okay to need help.  This means all kinds of help; asking for help for a task, emotional help, relationship help, spiritually help.  Please if you want to chat with me please do, most of yall know you can email or pm me and I will get back to you.  If you don’t know leave a comment and we will figure out how to touch base with each other again.  The other part of this goal is that I learn to reach out too.  See she reached out to me and it made me think, am I reaching out? Would I reach out if I needed it? Would I be honest? Do I have those that I would pour my whole heart to and be honest even if I thought that I would be judged for it?  I am going to be working on those relationships.

We don’t walk this life alone, we are never ever alone!   

The little things

There are days when I just don’t know what I am supposed to do; I am still learning how to make everything run well and how to see the little things in life.  I have been told that it is because I am looking up at the big things and getting so wrapped up and so involved in the big things that I forget the little things.  So it got me to think about the little things, what are little things? …

The little things vary family to family actually person to person, for me the things are ones that people often overlook but that can make things a tad brighter, things that allow you to take a sec and know that everything is going to be okay, that to help you know all is good. 

Jen’s little things:

·        Diet Coke

·        Texts from friends

·        Not getting stopped at every red light

·        Eating dinner or any meal with my husband and family

·        Crushed ice

·        Singing loud with the radio, no matter if the notes are in tune or not.

·        Getting to talk to a friend

·        Watching Aden play in the ocean in December

·        Getting photographs of family

You see little things that no one will get why they are so important but they are, without these things life would be far less happy. 

Day 3

Day 3 of 2012 and I am just getting to my blog, short answer of why.  I ran away… I got in the van with my family and left town.  Ok, so I will admit it was like a last minute decision that we were actually going to do it and then once there some mentioned the word beach.  Now for those that don’t know my family, you might not know that I have a 6year old boy, Aden, who should live at the BEACH, he loves the beach.

We decided that we would in fact take him to the beach and let him enjoy it…. Enjoy it he did.  I think that someone forgot to tell Aden that the water is cold in December because he got in and enjoyed it.  We walked on the beach, saw an amazing Christmas Beach tree, wrote in the sand and had a great time.  We missed Zach being there with us but we laughed, cried, and had a great time.  The beach is Aden’s ultimate place to be.

2012, I am not sure what is going to come out of it but I know that God isn’t done with us yet.  What is my hope?… my hope is that no one feels like they are walking through life alone, that the isolation that come with having a sick child or a child that has died will be wiped away, that I will be able to touch someone and help them when it appears that life is too hard for them.  My goal is to be a great mother, wife and family member.

2012 is going to be different for us… totally relying on God, being good friends, loving on those that need us to and allowing others to love on us