Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts

Well I hate to say it but that didn’t work, I had to try! Christmas magic… you know being able to get lost in the lights of the Christmas trees, to look and listen to children with the excitement of Santa and not knowing what is coming next, the excitement of teachers that they get weeks off, the excitement of seeing family and friends that you don’t see all the time, cooking huge meals and being with family or ones that you love while consuming it.  For me I can stare into a Christmas tree for days, to look at the lights to enjoy the calmness of the twinkling that are set for a purpose.  To sit and see the lights and the decoration on the tree and to know that there is a reason for each of the items, the twinkling colored lights because that is what the men in my life love. 

This year that Christmas magic brought pain… not having Zach to help us put up the tree this year, having issues signing Christmas cards, unexpected bumps, missing my mom.  I have tried for a week to do some cards (I need to do photo cards too!) but every time I go and I try to sign I totally mess it up.  That pain because frustration and that frustration becomes ANGER, now before you say but you don’t have to do them this year, I know that I don’t but, I want to… they might not get out before Christmas but I want to do them.  Missing the things that we were part of because of Zach… the HOPE HOUSE PARTY, the Speedway Charities, FOCUS/Lekotek party, well you get the point.  Things are different this year.

This year that Christmas magic brought frustration… not knowing what to say and what to do, how do I make myself be okay, not knowing how to fit into the mold that many think that I should fit into.  I know, well I have realized that this isn’t something that is in my hands, If it was then all the negatives wouldn’t be there, they would be positives.  I can’t even put words all the frustrations that are in my brain right now.

This year that Christmas magic brought a whirlwind of emotions, ready for this, hold on…. Pain, Hope, fear, love, joy, hurt, sadness, grief, isolation, unbelief, anguish, shock, guilt.  I am not going to explain all of these emotions because they are personal and ones that come and go just like the twinkling of the lights off that Christmas tree

A bit of honesty

During the Christmas Season something happens, I am not sure why or how but it does.  People expect you to be happy and to have things together.  People expect you to not talk about the negative things that have happened or to struggle.  However, the honest truth is that the holiday season is stressful.  I am sure that Mary, when she became pregnant with Jesus was scared and didn’t know what to do or say.  I am sure that she knew that she couldn't tell anyone with out people judging her and wondering what in the world she was hiding. Even, Jesus asked for this to be taken from Him, He prayed this while in the garden, He knew that the only way to truely help us was to die for us.  Now, what I am going through is nothing like either of the two things, they are simply reminders that I am not alone.  It gets overwhelming.

I’m not sure what I can say or do but I want to be honest and tell you that this holiday season, while Christmas is still part of it being happy all the time or being okay all the time isn’t going to happen for me.  Please don’t make those that you love feel like they have to be, please just hug on them and love on them and love them.  I spent a huge portion of the day at church trying not to totally bust out into tears and totally lose it.  I was very careful not to just do that because I know that there are plenty that feel like this is time to celebrate and so I need to be okay.  I know that I am very blessed to have Adam and his family.  I am very blessed to have them love me and pull up beside me and help me walk this path, so I am not alone in it.  However, the truth is that it is still hard and due to Zach’s death and when the anniversary falls it is a struggle for me.  Before you tell me but it is okay to lose it and it is okay to cry and to hurt and to not be okay, I know that but it doesn’t help while you are going through it. 

In two days, it will be Zach’s 6 month death date.  How in the world am I supposed to be okay with that?  Well I will tell you I am not, I hurt.  It had turned my world upside down and so when other tasks, little bumps, or big bumps come into my life it sends me into a spiral that I can’t always control.  Sometimes I am able to say this is okay I got this and then other times it sends me into wondering how in the world? Am I going to do this and stay okay?  All of this during the holiday stress of parties, appointments, and all the other things of Christmas.

The pressure that I put on me is a lot, but I have to say everyone else has pressure for me to.  They want to see Jen Smiling or laughing or able to get those 2-4 year old hugs.  My hope is that people realize that I am still learning my new role, we have had a ton of change in our family, in our life and God isn’t done yet.  I have a feeling that He is just started.  Just so you know I don’t wish for Zach back, Yes, I would love to have him in my arms one more time, I would love for him to play with Aden so he can have that experience one more time…. However, Zach is perfect and has the audience of the ultimate King.

So what do I want… to not have to explain myself, to know that no matter the emotions they are okay, to have kind, soft, loving voices to help me along the way.  We (I) am never alone in our lives, we have people to love on us and that are willing to do the small things that will help us.  We are striving to let others know that they are never alone either

Tis the Season….

·        To be tired.  It seems like during this season we always have something to do.  I can’t figure out how it happens, it just magically because packed with lots of things.  Christmas parties, trips, shopping and much much more.  All of those Christmas and Holiday events are in addition to the normal things   I am learning that in the past we have just done way to much… that is just way that it is too much stuff to do during this time.

·        To be stressed Along with the tired is stressed being worried about what to do, when to do it, and how to do it? What to buy for whom?  In our household it is also stressful because there is a whole class of emotions that we don’t know how to deal and there is a sense of people not being sure of what to say and do.  There are hives, headaches and aches in general, there is trouble sleeping and settling down and no way to say what is causing it

·        To be happy. This is the season that we (Christians) celebrate the birth, we are able to rejoice with all the things that have occurred we count our blessings and in many cases we try to share with others.  Society just wants us to be happy and to be good during this time of year.  To have that Christmas Joy.  What I am learning is that happy all the time is not possible, it is not possible esp for me this year.  I can’t help it and I can’t change it and I earned it.  Now I am sorry to say that but I don’t want to hear another person tell me, just deal with it and be happy, that I still have a lot to be happy about.  I spent 4 years caring for someone that is not here, this is the year of the 1^st so deal with it I will, be happy all the time I will not.  I will not change who I am because it makes someone uncomfy.  Here is where I say, like I do to Aden, tough cookies, deal with it.  I am happy, I have my tree up, I have my shopping started, I have my stockings up, I have  my Christmas cards going across my mantel.  I am not stuck in being unhappy; just have an occasional sadness that I can’t stop.  It is okay love on me, support me and remind me that I am not alone because as quickly as that upsetness came is as fast as it will go away

·        To be with family.  For me this is something that I can’t explain, I have a ton of joy that I am with people that I love but it also causes me to miss people.  Not just Zach, although I miss him greatly but others.  I just have this deep sense of loss, not that I have lost them but because life is busy, jobs and school sometimes get in the way of being able to chat, get together and love on each other.  I have some people that I miss so much that when I get to talk to them I don’t know what to say, I don’t want to complain or be a pain, I just want to chat and feel the love that I know is there but I have to be reminded of.

·        To be loved   I am not really sure how this works but the Holiday Season (Thanksgiving and Christmas) is known for being hard emotionally for lots of people and tend to feel very isolating.  I am learning this again 1^st hand.  It is like all the things that we once knew, the traditions that we did are all hard and don’t feel just right.  So for me, every since my mother died, I have tried to make sure that during the Christmas season I make an effort to love on and included EVERYONE.  Sometimes it is hard because I want to be by myself but to be loved.  I realize how badly, especially right now, it is needed to be loved.  To feel isolated and alone all time even when there are tons of people around you, to feel love helps during this time.

See if you are reading this you know, well I think so anyway, that I know that everything works to the benefit of those that believe in Christ, it doesn’t erase the bad or hurtful things, trust me I have plenty.  It does however, help us keep our focus and realize that we aren’t the only ones.  That we are here to be good family, a good friend, to be a kind stranger, that we are here to love on those that are near us and to be there with whomever needs it.  Christmas, well this Christmas season, has been nothing like I expected it to be and nothing like it was  I am called to love more, hug more, and be more than I have ever in the past and while I am doing that I am praying that I can make it through this season with love, joy, happiness and the most important of all HOPE.

love

So If I follow the blog that I wrote the other day this one should be on LOVE. 

Love is one of those things that you can write days about… We all want to be loved.  We all use the word to express how much people mean to us.  We all use it in different levels, we love the meal, we love the song, we love the outfit or it can be we love our children, we love our spouse, and we love our family.  Those to loves can be very different.

One of the biggest things that we have learned is that LOVE isn’t something that you talk about it is something that you do.  Meaning, if you love someone you respect them, desire to help them and you care about them.  It is one of those things that you don’t know how to express that love to a person, mostly because each person is different.  You express your love to your spouse different than a friend.  You express your love to your best friend differently than someone that you just met. 

Love is the ability or desire to make sure that the other person feels cared about, helped, and not alone.  This is just my definition.  Now to define each of those sections in a way, when you have someone that cares about you feel like you aren’t alone.  You feel like you can walk through the challenges at least attempting to make it.  Family does this but so does friends… I have a friend well I should say friends that I know they love me; you know how I know that? They are up at odd hours and are willing to chat with me; they send me texts and emails.  They will let me fall asleep on them, when I am talking to them late at night and I fall asleep on them, they just say Good night, we will chat in the am.  They send me cards and thoughts at times that only can be God meant, when I needed or need them the most.  Several of them get mad when I don’t reach out to them when I need help, I am still learning.  I love when I can be the one to share my love and help but I am still not very good with asking for help.  My desire is that I will be the one that others call out to.  To be the one to share the love when they need it the most. 

This is probably why it hurts so much when things happen when without warning a friend moves, an action or lack of an action taken wrong, or a word being mistook.  It is one of those things we try to hard not to have happen but it does our actions or our words or lack of makes someone angry.  This is why love needs to not just be a verbal thing but an action thing.  You can put others first you can love on them you can allow them to be who they are.  You can make sure that they know that they aren’t alone, even when you can’t make it or be with them.  You can decide that they matter.  You can choose to do something for them even when they aren’t strong enough to ask

Family

So yesterday it was joy, today it is family.  I have learned that family is one of the things that can be described in many ways.  Many say Family is only those that are genetically related to you, then the change that theory to believe that you can adopt in but it is a long drawn out process and that is hard to do. Some don’t believe in family only that they are part of the team that helps them do things that they need to do.    I have learned over many years that family is what you make it.

I am blessed… I have a family that I married into.  I have the family that has been given to me by God.  I have the family that has been with me for many years and then I have had those that I have been blessed with from life experiences.

I have several friends that I have was blessed with as a child, we went through school together and some of the things that we are going through.  I have several friends that I have only had for the past hmmm 5 years but they are so important to me.  I have friends that I feel care about me enough to let me ask them mom questions.  I have friends that care enough for me to tell me what I need to hear not just want I want to hear.

I have friends, well whole families that I have gotten to know because of instances that many would want to change.  Many that I ask about and talk to every day, some of the multiple times a day.   To spent events with them, to pray for them as they go through challenging times, to literally help them have a good time doing laser tag.  To miss them when they aren’t there or when you can’t talk to them often.  To hate that they are multiple states away, to cry when you can’t help.  To stand up and encourage, to LOVE. 

Family is what you make it… it is those that care about, love one, help, and encourage.  I am thankful for all those that will help me and that love me that are part of my family.  I am thankful to know that I am never alone and that I don’t have to do it alone. 

I don’t even know what to write… really I don’t.

This week as been super emotional for me and a week that I have had to really keep things in check  and have had to remind myself that things are going to be okay.  That I am not walking this journey by myself, That God doesn’t let me go through all this and not help me through it.  I am struggling with it though… let’s see if I can open a little window and let you see a bit.

Many of those that know me know that I am a believer, that I have a relationship in Jesus Christ.  In saying that it is one of those things that I have a hard separating… I have to believe that everything that I go through is for His glory. Now in saying this… oh my, this week has been so up and down that I can’t get recovered from one thing before I get hit with another.  You want to hear the sad thing I can’t tell you what in the world it is all about just the ups and downs of being a mom multiplied by having a son who went to be with Jesus.  I have cried, I have laughed, I have rejoiced, I have wanted to give up and with all of it I am reminded that this season is about joy, family, and love.

Joy… Last year during this time Adam taught our Sunday school about JOY, the way that we often teach children about relationships.  JOY: JESUS, OTHERS, and YOURSELF  Now for when Adam taught the adults in our Sunday School class it meant something that is simple… put others first, treat others like you want to be treated, go the extra mile and do it all with Jesus’ love.  Now I am thinking about it more and more. 

·         Jesus, well that is simple, Jesus, can do all and is always with us.  He is 1^st in my life, sometimes it is hard to keep Him there but I try to.

·         Others, well this one for me is much, much harder.  There are times when I get angry at the person who makes a stupid comment, who decides that I did something with the intent of hurting when it was far from the truth so what I am learning is that I need to remember we all see things differently.  I am in a position that not everyone is in.  I have had a son die, a little boy die, one that I met, loved on, played with and took care of.  He is now in heaven and perfect.  People don’t know what to say.  They don’t know if laughing is okay, if they can say Zach’s name if they can be upset, if they can celebrate being pregnant (or even trying) and the birth of a child.  Here are my thoughts on this… I am delighted to know everyone that I know.  I want to be part of all that is going on.  To be involved in a baby shower of a sister of choice (think lifelong friend) was one of the most inspirational and healing things. To have her family love on me, include me as family, to let me go hide, to hug on me… See she put me 1^st.  Yes, she received gifts, she was showered with love, she was the guest of honor but she allowed me to be me.  To be let into the story of a new job,  first dates, etc . Someone I was talking to the other night told me something that I am trying to learn, I have to let people in.  I have to allow people to know that I am hurting that I need to be loved on and that I need help doing certain things… hmmm that transparency thing that I am working on again

·         You, this is something that I have an issue with doing, I struggle with asking for help, I don’t want to be the center of attention, even when it is something that I know that I need.   I rather focus on everyone else and NOT me but since everyone is included in others…. Hmmm, I guess that means that I need to focus on me too.

So I am again sitting here thinking about JOY and what it means during this season.  I am thankful for those that love on us… HONORED to the new friends that have blessed my family with items off our wish list.  Honored that not only Aden was loved on but that Adam and I were loved on as well.  Honored that I have people that I can say I need a hug or that I am hurting. 

4 letter words…

Okay yes, I will say it there are so many 4 letter words, come of them you know about and that we keep ourselves from saying then there are words that are 4 letters that we don’t think of but we say anyway… Here are just 4 of those words:

HATE: I hate things that are going on, I hate feeling that way, I hate these clothes, I hate… you get my point. We say it often when we are complaining and when we don’t want to do things. We sometimes say it in the heat of the moment to someone, when we don’t really mean it. Sometimes we hate things in our head even though we may never say it out loud. Sometimes it is something that is easy to hate, like I can easily say “I HATE MITO” it is a truth. There are other times when it runs through my mind that it isn’t truth but it is a statement that I shouldn’t ever express, because it will tear down and destroy. I want to lift up and help others not HATE them. I want to be the one to pray for, love on, and help. It is a little four letter word.

OVER: As in I am OVER it, Now this is one that I have had a hard time with lately, You know when you get so tired of dealing with something or with the bad things happening that you just lock yourself in the bathroom and scream out “I’M OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!” oh wait that is me! But you get my point. Sometimes that 4 letter word of OVER stops us and keeps us from doing all the things that we need to do.  It can keep us from being the person that we need to be.  I can honestly say that by going through all the situations that I have been through, all of the “I am OVER it” things that I am stronger person but not only that but I care more deeply and love more strongly than I did before.  It is something that I don’t get but I do know that if I gave up because I was over it I wouldn’t be who I am now.   

HELP: This is one that is super hard for me to put here, for me this is a 4 letter word as BAD as some ones that aren’t here on this blog. Admitting that you need help is the 1st step to sometimes getting help, to recovering, to healing and to loving. For me it is one of the hardest because I don’t want to admit that I have a problem, that I need something, that I hurt however, sometimes we need to. Asking for help is admitting that you can’t do it and that you need someone to pull beside you and be with you, to walk with you. To encourage and love on you even when sometimes you aren’t sure what is going on. I am striving to be transparent so this 4 letter word has become hard. I have to let those that love me and care about me help me. Lots of 4 letter words in that sentence! It is not a sign of weakness but instead it is a sign that you are strong enough to allow someone in who can make a difference.



LOVE: The one that we need to use all the time but we rarely use enough or in the right way, we say we love diet coke, we love this show, we love this song, and we love this shirt… is it the right way? What about the love we have for people? What about the love that drives us to be the best that we are, the best that we can be, to help in every feasible way. The love that will allow you to be the one that will stay up all night and talk because you can’t sleep, the one that will hold your hair when you are throwing up (not because they have to but because they care). That love is the love that will hold you and let you know that it is okay, something that we need to be reassured of often and sometimes in silly ways. When you love someone you put yourself out there for that person and are willing to put yourself aside for that person.



See for many of us we use the word HATE more than we use any other word. I will admit, lately I have been hating a lot, what happen to joy and to love, it got overtaken by hate and by being over things. I have stopped wanting to ask for help and to help others and I have stopped loving all things instead of just the few things that were okay by me. I have talked about being transparent and it is important because there are times that we are the only sense of HOPE that the person has. Sometimes I am the only God that they see are they going to see love and hope from me? What are they going to see when they look at you.