God’s unexpected plan…

A long time ago, well not so long ago but too much with all that has gone on it seems forever ago., a book was given to me by a mom who has special needs children. She had recently had a daughter that was blessed to go be with Jesus, in her pain and in her healing we were blessed with some items that we desperately needed for Zach. Because of her daughter’s legacy, Zach sat at the table with us at meals and was able to color/do art with his brother. I told her thank you for that!


However, in with those items was a book, a book that she drew Hope and comfort through. I never understood why I was given this book. When we first got it I tried and tried and tried to read it and I couldn’t. I always thought it was because I didn’t have time, or the desire. I found out today, it was because my heart wasn’t ready for it. This book explains how my heart feels, it reminds me that I am not alone, and not only am I not alone but that God has NEVER left me in this journey.


The book is titled: Holding on to HOPE: a pathway through suffering to the heart of God. By Nancy Guthrie. This book was moved from spot to spot in our house, one day in the past couple of months Adam picked it up. Now for anyone that knows Adam, him picking up this book should have been my 1st clue that God was in it. Adam doesn’t really care to read just to read and this was book 2 that he had picked up to read. Adam read it and told me, Jen please try to read this. I pushed it off. Yesterday morning, Adam took it out of his book bag and handed it to me. I took this as God’s sign for me to read it. I had been looking for a bible study or a book to help me deal with and handle with some of the intimate things in my heart. I took this as God’s mouth and a push that the time was right for me to read this book that we had for over a year probably.


I finished this book, this morning!!! I made myself stop reading yesterday because I needed to do some things but I picked it back up this morning and finished it. God is so amazing… God took the pain of a mom to write this book, took the pain of a mom to give me the book (not just suggest it but actually give it) to touch me; A mom who is hurting from all of the things that have occurred. Here is how it has changed though. There is a story, a section of verses in the bible that talks about why there was a man who was born blind. See in the day it was the custom that it was someone’s fault, I know I am like that even today, if the tire blows out what did I do, if Aden gets sick what did I do, this isn’t a concept that has gone away. So in John 9, God reminds us that He is the ultimate designer.


“Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” John 9:2-3


Now, this has been a life passage for Adam for the past couple of years, the peace that Adam needed to know that it is ALL for God’s GLORY. It has nothing to do with us; we are simply vessels to accomplish the task that God has placed forth. I think that this has hit home with me lately. The number of life’s that Zach has touched, we will never know, but I can stand and tell you that I am stronger today than I was yesterday. That I have a purpose and a passion to help those walk through the unbearable things of their lives, the ones that many don’t understand and don’t want to even imagine.. God didn’t intend for us to do this alone.


Just as we were handed this book from a dear mom, I pray that I am able to pass on the encouragement and the love to make it one more sec, then one more min, then one more day! Then those days will add and it will be a week, those weeks, will become months. The pain doesn’t go away but I have accepted that God has desired it perfectly for me, that He is holding me and that He has never stopped loving me.

People learn…

People learn based on what they are around, Children learn by what is done to them, what they are around and how they are expected to act. Today I had an instance that made me thankful that Aden has a loving family and that he knows that not everyone is alike. Aden has been having some medical issues and since he came home yesterday and totally crashed I didn’t give his medications, I mean he doesn’t have a Gtube he has to be awake to take meds that are liquids and meds that are gummies. Today he had an instance where he needed me at school, he was able to convience them to call but we have a code phrase that lets me know that He needs his medication. Something that is normal but tells me that he is hurting. He had to ask the nurse multiple times to tell me the statement. Finally right before she hung up with me I heard him say something and I asked her, she told me he needs me to tell you that “his stomach hurt”. This was the one piece of information I needed to know, I packed meds and got things and headed to his school. While I was there helping him and giving meds the nurse questioned me on if I had this and that. When I said yet she rolled her eyes and turned. I could have gotten over that, however, with others students there, she then proceeded to degrade my son because of this problem. Aden looked at me and asked me if he had to stay, with tears in his eyes he told me that he couldn’t help it and that he was sorry. I looked at him, pulled him close, and loved on him. I told him that school was important and that he needed to finish. So he asked if I would walk him to his classroom, he needed to know it was okay. So I gladly took my sons hand and walked him back to class, proud that he is so amazing.

So let me tell you what you do matters, no one saw his tears or the hurt on his face. No one knows what goes through his head, and guess what he isn’t the only one. We all are this way, we learn what emotions to hide and which ones are okay. We learn who we can talk to and who we can be real with and who can’t. Aden is a sweet, caring, loving, amazing child because of ALL that he was exposed to. He is amazing because he has people that love on him. Hold your children tight let them know that you love them, that they are good enough, to keep trying and that all is okay.

My heart is upset but I have never been so proud of my son, he took the upsetness put it away and walked into class. Smiling and acting like all is okay

As I am typing

As I am typing this… there are parents that are in the ICU room hearing that their child might not make it two weeks. While I am writing this there are parents that are making the decision to not continue treatments. While I am writing this there are parents that are having to decide that it is better for their precious love one to die at home. While I am typing this there are parents learning for the 1st time that their child isn’t sick with a common cold but with an illness that will claim their life. While I am typing this there are parents who are hurting with how to tell a sibling that their brother/sister isn’t coming home again. While I am writing parents have to decide what the next course of treatment is and if it is worth trying? While I am typing this there are parents learning that their child’s life expectancy is less than a car or a washing machine.


As I am typing this… There are parents that feel like they can’t tell others what is going on. While I am writing this there are parents that can’t use a word to express how badly they hurt. While I am writing this there are parents who are crying on the inside but can’t express it on the outside. While I am writing this there are parents who are having an emotional breakdown but can’t reach out. While I am writing this there is a parent who decides that the only way to handle this is to kill themselves. While I am writing this there are parents who have so much despair that the next breath is too much. While I am typing this parents are coming to grips that their child will not go to school anymore but have to stay at home. While I am writing this parents are figuring out money and how to go to another state for treatment cause that is the closest place that knows what they are doing. While I am writing this parents are having to decide that moving the whole family is the best thing for that child, that where they are simply isn’t good enough

Why am I writing this? I am reminded that Adam and I are not the only ones who went through the pain and the suffering of a child who was ill. We fought a long time without letting people in; we did it on our own. This isn’t a battle that you should have to fight, it just isn’t. You aren’t alone, It isn’t fair the decisions that you are being asked to make or the things that you have to tell your other children. It isn’t fair that you have to call love ones to prepare them that one more breath might be too much for your child. We knew that God is with us. We know that even know but no one has the words to take the pain away. But I know for so long I tried to fight it alone and I failed miserably at doing it. I became a basket case and I became upset because I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to help, but in reality only knowing that Zach was in God’s hands and that he was taken care of helped.

My point in this is simple.. If you are in this position.. You aren’t alone, you are never alone. I am here (we are here) as much or as little as you want us to be. You do not have to do this alone. You don’t have to feel like you are the only one. If you are blessed enough to not be in one of these situations please pray and make yourselves available. Love on and help those that need you so deeply

Amazing Blessings…

Today was a day that I can honestly say we have been praying for a while, In this case today was the day that Adam took the last part of the CPA exam. This is his second time taking the exam, he took this same exam in May and he failed it. Who could blame him, Zach was Sick, really sick, our family was tired, we were living each day trying to hold ourselves together as a family. He did his best and was close to it but the final grade was a fail. So today was the day that he took it again. Today was also a day that Adam and I went to go get some of the testing that Aden had done. In this case it was to see how we can help Aden in school; Aden is a huge blessing and is extremely bright. These tests were designed to help us know what to do for him.
I was able to have lunch with my husband, it was unexpected and much needed… to be able to talk and enjoy each other. It was a huge blessing, it was wonderful to be in a resturant full of people and to be by ourselves, you know being wrapped up in only each other. I was able to talk to a dear friend on the phone, well, two of them. Both of these people were and are huge blessings in my life. Both are Christian women who have loved on me no matter what is going on. Both called kinda unexpected but HUGELY appreciated. In fact I wasn’t done talking to one but my phone kept cutting me off, I was MAD that I was cut short with her.  The other it has been a long time since I have talked to her and I have forgotten how much she means to me and how much God can speak through a person.  She spoke to my heart!

My father in law who is a staple in our lives, he is always willing to put himself aside and do things for us.  We couldn't do all the things that we do without Adam's wonderful parents,they are wonderful and they love on us in such an amazing and Godly way. In this case he was watching Aden for us while we went and got results. When I dropped Aden off, I was told to head home and that they would bring Aden back to me tonight. I was thankful actually I was honored, I mean it was one less thing to do, I know selfish but honest. They surprised us by coming and bringing dinner, to be able to sit around the table and laugh and enjoy. What an honor!!! I appreciate them more than I can type.

Then I got this card tonight in the mail… Now I understand the whole sending cards of encouragement it is something that I do often. However, I don’t think that I have ever received cards from another person in the best time possible than from this person. I got a card tonight and I was appreciative and honored. How amazing? Why is it amazing? Because God saw that I needed some love and I needed some encouragement and He let someone know that I did and that person even states away pay attention to it.

See we each have days and sometimes WEEKS, maybe months that seem to go on forever, ever, and ever. We struggle with the many things that are in our lives. We struggle to do the things, take care of our children, do our jobs, clean our clothes, etc. One of my biggest things that I felt let to do is to pray for and to encourage my friends as they have encouraged me. I am thankful that God loves me enough and that my friends love me enough! In this case it to see how things work… to know that God is ALWAYS with us!

4 Months…

The world teaches us that we need to find love in others... the church teaches that we need to strive for God (so people think that we are supposed to be perfect) when all along God calls us to come to Him the way we are, to let Him work.

4 months is how long Zach has been blessed to be with Jesus, I feel like it has been such a rollercoaster that I can’t imagine however, it is real and it is our new reality. To look at new pictures and realize that we are a family of 3 not 4 has been the hardest adjustment for me. I don’t want to forget Zach or think that he isn’t part of the family. He just is blessed to be with my mom in heaven.

I am learning that God’s plan has so many awesome things in it…family, friendships, sunsets, colors, legos, cards, texts and emails to name a few. God has always been here, He always will be. God loves me unconditionally; He sings over me, He collects my tears. I matter that much. So while on earth I grieve 4 months, I know in my heart that our Heavenly Father is showing Zach the place of a lifetime, with the love of a lifetime! One Day I will get to join him there and Zach will get to show me all around, ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

blessings

Deuteronomy 31:6 -- Be Strong and Courageous, do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord God goes with you, he will never leave nor forsake you

This verse was given to me and it is a nice reminder to know that God is ALWAYS with us... This means good times and bad times. It means He is ALWAYS with us. I have had a number of AWESOME reminders. A phone call, an email, a new friend, a song, mail, and texts just a few things to remind me that God is here.

God hasn’t left me, with all the pain and all the heartache, all the emotions, God is still here. He has giving me amazing songs, amazing cards, and amazing words. I have had conversations with people that I am blessed to have. I received a late birthday present and it was from a friend who got me colors, I love colored ink. It makes me happy and happier that she remembered. He gave me an awesome and amazing lunch with a friend, cheese dip and all. To be able to converse and to enjoy being there, what an honor what a blessing to be with an AMAZING friend. To have a family member declare their love and commitment to being with you for everything, to walk every step, to open her home, to pray with and for, to laugh with and to cry with.  To be able to do lunch and dinner with a new friend to know that she has such a sweet Godly spirit, not perfect, but tender, something that is needed in my heart. A sweet tender voice of God to help me along since my heart is so tender right now. To have a long time friend, someone that I consider to be a sister, have her 1st child, a baby boy. I was honored to get to feel her stomach when her little one was still inside of her. She is my sister that I never got to have, we have been through a lot together.

All of these are things that I have been blessed with... little things and big things, private things, intimate things and very social things. God was in them all, giving me exactly what I need. That God is HERE!!! God’s Grace is sufficient for me that I can stay strong in him

Well I am officially sick, it is the 1st time I have been sick in a while. This is something that I am feeling pretty lucky because this is just my throat and when I cough my chest. I know that it can be so so so much worse. I am feeling very honored that this morning I could curl up and I could sleep, that I could get my body the rest it needs to heal.


I have to say that this past week Aden got some work sent home from school. Adam and I have always been amazed and proud of Aden and his abilities. He has shown us that he is compassionate, caring, smart, and flexible. When we saw his work from school we got to see how he was doing in school. Adam and I both wanted to climb onto of a mountain and scream that he was our son. His work was amazing. Aden can’t always tell us what he wants to do or what he did in school but he always has at least one thing that he likes to tell us about. He loves to be social and involved as well how wonderful.

Sunday night we were watching tv and a little girl that was in the rehab unit at the same time as Zach was, was on the tv. Aden asked if Zach knew her and we told him yes, they were there at the same time. He looked at us, then turned and looked at the TV, when he turned back around he asked us if he could pray for her, that she wouldn’t have to go back to hospital. It was a sweet moment. He has such a caring spirit and is wonderful when it comes to his ability to help others. He is enjoying all of the things that he is learning during Awana. I am very proud of him.

Family is a gift that God gives us. I am blessed with an amazing family!!!