Blessed and Amazed

Another day and I can say that I am in awe… TIRED and not feeling 100% but still an AMAZING day.



I have realized that I am blessed with family that cares, with friends that care, with family that I care about and friends that I care about. It is Monday and it is rainy but I have to say it is nice and calming.. I can say that I am tired but I am blessed to have a house that will keep me dry. I am blessed with getting to curl up and love on my son. I can think back on the weekend that I had and be delighted. I have family time, laughing and playing and a good time and then I can think about going to a friend’s house and getting to know them more and getting to develop a relationship with them. It is such a sweet sweet thing. A God given thing for sure.


I am saddened though by several im’s that I got… 1. Whose son is having issues and the doctors are saying that there are only a few more options but that even with the best results that the child has a shortened life. I understand that pain, slightly different situation so I don’t completely understand but there are no words for the pain that is there and for the anger of wanting to hurt those that can’t help your child. I am continuing to pray and hope that they know that we are always there for them. There is nothing harder than the path that they are on. 2. Then a friend of mine is going to be moving, I don’t know when and while I completely understand my heart breaks. The good thing is that I know how to use facebook and I know how to text so we can always stay in touch but it is hard. I feel really blessed that I know her and the whole family but I will miss them greatly. 3. Then I got word that someone that I know was heading to the hospital because her daughter was going to be admitted, they don’t know how good or bad it is but my heart breaks for this mom and dad. I don’t talk to them much anymore but my heart isn’t harden to them and to the things they are going through I care about them deeply.


All this is to remind me that God is always with me. That even in rough times God is there, I am never alone, we are never alone. It is written in the Bible that “He will never leave us or forsake us” doesn’t mean it will be easy it means that He will be here with us at all time. He tells us that nothing can take us out of God’s hand once we are there… the only way to be there is to accept Him. Well it is to Admit that we are sinners (that we do things wrong, which we all do). Believe that Jesus (God’s only son) died on the cross and that He was raised on the third day. Then we have to confess and turn our ways towards Him. This doesn’t mean that we never miss up, do things wrong, get upset, have bad things happen… it simply means that God is walking with us. It is how you get a peace that passes all understanding it is how you can grieve like there is hope. It is how we can live the life that God intended us to be.  It means that I can pray for those that I love and those that I care about.  I am thankful that my God is bigger than the boogie man, that He is bigger than all the monsters and all the things that can bother us.

3 things…

Simply three things, which three things you might ask? It is 3 things that I am thankful for… I am thankful for a lot but today at this instance what are three things that I am thankful for.


1. I am thankful for family and friends. God has blessed me with the ability to reconnect and to become friends with. I have been able to develop friendships with people that I have only seen at a distance and wondered how they were doing. For my family that loves me, supports me and desires for me to be okay. They all hug me and love on me.


2. I am thankful for colored ink, yes I know silly but I am thankful that I can write in my journal in different colors. It allows me to reconnect with an emotion. To not be bored, to see the joy. I hate when I see all these things and it looks like a bruise: black and blue. Color has allowed me to write and to express myself to say things that I would keep hidden but needed to write about. Journaling as allowed me to clear my mind and to get things out of my mind and where I can say I don’t need to worry about them or that I need to do deal with.


3. I am thankful for Facebook, this connects with number 1. I have gotten the opportunity on facebook to get to know people and get to share my story. But I also get to talk to my family in other states or cities, friends that are in different states, well in different countries. Friends that I haven’t gotten to talk to in a long time. People that I see every week but haven’t gotten to really talk to because surrounded by people the communication is impossible to start. I can set up events and be invited to events. I can hear prayer requests and pray for people that I can’t normally be involved with


I am very thankful that God blesses me every day!

Yesterday…

Yesterday I was thankful for people and for how they have impacted my life… I think that I am still in that mode. I am thankful. Thankful that God is in my life, that I have positive people, Godly people in my life. I can’t say that I have always been the best Christian (there are times that I am angry at all, that I yell out at God, that I don’t do what I am supposed to do, that I tell God that He has lost His mind) but I have strived to be on the path that God has given me. Through it all I have wondered how I could stay strong when the walls are crumbling down. What I have realized is that God’s strength is sufficient, it is enough, He knows what He is doing and He knows what I need. I have to rest in the fact that if I draw near to God He will in fact draw need to me. God never promises us that things will be easy and I can attest to that… not just in Zach’s situation but in friendships. He calls us to draw close to him, to mount up on wings like eagles so that we will not grow weary, that we won’t grow tired. Gosh have you ever been so tired that you can’t function to move or to do anything much less to think or to help someone else. God tells us that His grace is sufficient that his yoke is easy that it is light. One of the hardest things that I am going through now is that those that are supporting me the most, are ones that work fulltime jobs, are older, or are in other states (or better yet in different countries). It is hard to know what to do or say because we aren’t in charge of our life God is. Sometimes God calls us to Be Still and Know that He is God; this means that we are not to doubt Him and all of the things that He has set forth. It means don’t forget that He has plans to prosper us not to harm us.


I have learned several things that I am amazed about:


• China is 12 hours ahead of us


• That there is a free texting program that is available for the ipad but you can’t send pictures through it


• That a card is something that can be read and read and read over again. Sometimes it can even be carried with you because you need to read what is in it.


• That schedules can get hectic but it doesn’t change how important people are to you.


• True friends love you and hold you even if it doesn’t make sense.


• That Praise and Worship music can take the negative things in your life and help you focus on the positive.


• That you don’t have to tell everyone everything but that you are to tell what God has led you to tell.


• That sometimes jury duty can be a week long and be totally pointless for the person that has it but they are getting to bless someone else.


• That text messages no matter when they are received are a little way to let people know they matter.


Yes, I am still totally thankful for life and for God and for all the people that God has placed in my life.

Thankful…

I wanted to write a blog that poured my emotions out… the past few days those have been hard to read and to live through but in this case I need to say that I am thankful. I have so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my Husband… who else would be here with me and walk each step of the way, he is strong and amazing and wonderful. He is a Godly man and loves me deeply. I can’t imagine my life without him, he is my all and all and I feel so honored to be married to him. He is my king.

I am thankful for Aden… who is flexible, smart, wonderful and amazing. He is amazingly loving and loves to do all the things that he can do. He is wonderful.

I am thankful for My Moody Mom and Dad… I am honored that I have in-laws that I can call mom and dad. They love me and accept me like I am theirs and who have no issues accepting me as their daughter. They have gone the extra mile and they have been there for us and been so wonderful

I am thankful for my Aunt Caroline… who is even from the distance is loving me and holding me up in prayer and who is and has been here for me every step of the way. She has been willing to im me or text me to let me know that I am always in her prayers and thought. I can’t express my love for her and how much she means to me.

I am thankful for several friends… I am going to use initials because I didn’t ask anyone permission to do this. I am thankful for M who is wonderful and has reeled me back to God. Her spirit is sweet and there is no one I rather worship with to sing praises to God with her to the reminder that God has a plan and that He holds me in his hand. I am thankful for M who I thought when she moved from the area I thought that I would never talk to her again. Yet God brought her back in my life and I need her greatly. She has been a wonderful reminder that it is all for God’s glory and that I am to hold tight that I will get through this. It is hard but she has been here and I have felt her lift me up to God and even through the distance I know that she is praying. I am thankful for C, she is amazing and loving and caring, that no matter how much is going on in her life she has been here for me and I am thankful. I love her deeply. I am thankful for J who has allowed me to go off on her and to fuss at her, to be part of her amazing life, with her new baby, who helped me get my words back who I consider to me my family. I am thankful for B who no matter what we go through I love her and she means a ton to me. She holds a very important spot in my life and I hate when things aren’t going right. I am thankful for J, who even though she has had major things in her life still takes time to hug me and love on me. I am thankful for S who had been one that I can text and pour my heart out to her but she keeps private.

I have so much more to be thankful for but this is just a start!

Really…

I can’t be the only one that is going through all of this but yet I don’t have a clue on what I am supposed to be doing. I can’t be the only one that is feeling the way that I am but yet I am feeling very ashamed and very embarrassed, very isolated. I know that I don’t need to but I do. I know that there is nothing that I can do about a number of the situations that have occurred so why is it so hard to manage to move on. Why is it so hard to realize that I can’t do a thing about what is going on and that what I am feeling is okay to feel?
Grief is something that cannot be explained in one way…how one person does it might not be the way the next one does. Some people grieve some while the person is still alive, some people wait for months or even years to deal with it, some jump right in and begin to heal the sec the death occurs.

What I am learning is that people honestly don’t understand… they try, they are human though and they don’t’ always get it. I have learned that people honestly try but they aren’t always able to understand what is going on or why things bother you so much. I have a friend who is always okay to the outside world, once you break through that wall you find out that she hurts deeply and is striving each day to be the best that she can be but feels like she is failing horribly, The I have another friend who honestly opens up to everyone and lets them know what she is feeling that she is mad, unable to cope, upset, want to be gone. Which one is right? Which one is the way we should be? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that I am neither one of them. I am a third way all together mostly because I am so up and down it is crazy. I seem to be on this rollercoaster of emotions that I cannot get off of.

God is holding me and He is moving me towards what He wants me to be but on the way there He is molding me and it hurts, it is difficult. I have had a hard time knowing that this is all for a reason. However, I know that God is sufficient; He is all that I need. I know that He is all that I need. I know that I have family and friends that love on me even when I feel unlovable. I know that I will make it through. The up and downs of emotions though are HORRIBLE and misunderstood.

Information: Depression and Anxiety

Many times I sit here and I wonder how much I should tell and how much I should keep in myself… this morning is one of them. Yesterday I hit the worse headache that I have had in a long long time. It literally had me down for the count. I couldn’t do anything, this morning I am still having a hard time but I am hanging in.


I have been trying to figure out what to type and I thought this is Moody Tales, and I have been quite moody lately. With emotions being so up and down, with not knowing what to say and who to say it to, when to be okay with things and when to speak up and say it isn’t okay. So I keep thinking what do I want people to get out of this blog, mostly I want people to realize that it is okay to be honest, real, transparent, and whatever emotion is going on.

I would love to talk about depression and anxiety. I have learned that many people understand 1 of them but they don’t understand the other even more apparent is that having them both is so misunderstood. So I wanted to tell you a bit about what I have learned.

1st both of these conditions are ones that can bring a ton of emotions, the person effected can feel quite ashamed or have a ton of emotions behind letting others know that they are being effected by depression or anxiety. Many people feel like Christians in particular can’t have them, or both of them, most feel if you pray enough, believed enough or trusted God enough that you won’t have them. Well, that simply isn’t the case, many Christians, even strong Christians have been affected by one or both at some point in their lives.

So Here is Jen, just a normal person telling you about the two things that are effecting me that I want to keep hidden but that God is telling me to tell, to share because I am NOT the only one dealing with these things.

These two excepts are taken from a website (Mayo clinic):

Depression is a serious medical illness that involves the brain. It's more than just a feeling of being "down in the dumps" or "blue" for a few days. If you are one of the more than 20 million people in the United States who have depression, the feelings do not go away. They persist and interfere with your everyday life. Symptoms can include


• Sadness


• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy


• Change in weight


• Difficulty sleeping or oversleeping


• Energy loss


• Feelings of worthlessness


• Thoughts of death or suicide


Anxiety is a normal part of life. It can even be useful when it alerts us to danger. But for some people, anxiety is a persistent problem that interferes with daily activities such as work, school or sleep. This type of anxiety can disrupt relationships and enjoyment of life, and over time it can lead to health concerns and other problems.


In some cases, anxiety is a diagnosable mental health condition that requires treatment. Generalized anxiety disorder, for example, is characterized by persistent worry about major or minor concerns. Other anxiety disorders — such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) — have more specific triggers and symptoms. In some cases, anxiety is caused by a medical condition that needs treatment.


Whatever form of anxiety you have, medications, counseling or lifestyle changes can generally help.Common anxiety symptoms include:


• Feeling apprehensive


• Feeling powerless


• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom


• Having an increased heart rate


• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)


• Sweating


• Trembling


• Feeling weak or fatigued


Specific anxiety disorders are broken down into several diagnosable mental health conditions:


• Panic attacks can start suddenly and cause apprehension, fear or terror. You may have feelings of impending doom, shortness of breath, heart palpitations or chest pain. You may feel as if you're choking, being smothered or that you're "going crazy."


• Agoraphobia is anxiety about, or avoidance of, places or situations where you might feel trapped or embarrassed to leave if you start to feel panicky.


• Specific phobias are characterized by significant anxiety when you're exposed to a specific object or situation and a desire to avoid it. Phobias provoke panic attacks in some people.


• Social phobias are characterized by significant anxiety provoked by exposure to certain types of social or performance situations and a desire to avoid them.


• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is characterized by persistent, recurring thoughts, images or impulses (obsessions) or an irresistible desire to perform irrational or seemingly purposeless acts or rituals (compulsions). Often it involves both obsessive and compulsive behavior.


• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is characterized by the feeling that you are re-experiencing an extremely traumatic event. It causes intense emotions and physical reactions along with a desire to avoid anything that might remind you of the event.


• Acute stress disorder is characterized by symptoms similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder that occur immediately after an extremely traumatic event.


• Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by at least six months of persistent and excessive anxiety and worry about small or large concerns. This type of anxiety disorder often begins at an early age. It frequently occurs along with other anxiety disorders or depression.


• Anxiety disorder due to a medical condition is characterized by prominent symptoms of anxiety that are directly caused by a physical health problem.


• Substance-induced anxiety disorder is characterized by prominent symptoms of anxiety that are a direct result of abusing drugs, taking medications or being exposed to a toxic substance.


• Separation anxiety disorder is a childhood disorder characterized by anxiety related to separation from parents or others who have parental roles.


• Anxiety disorder not otherwise specified is a term for prominent anxiety or phobias that do not meet the exact criteria for any of the other anxiety disorders but are significant enough to be distressing and disruptive.



So yes, a ton of information but why am I writing this… 1. You are not alone 2. Please be willing to get help, there is help. There are people that will be able to help you 3. If you need someone to help you get help, let someone help you, I am sure that you have friends that will walk with you, go with you, pray with you, be there for you.  I will be willing to go with you 4. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed.

Now I struggle with not feeling embarrassed or ashamed, mostly because I suffer from severe depression and anxiety right now. While people might look and say I have every right to have them I feel like I am failing. It is something that I knew depression was hard to deal with, I could imagine that anxiety was bad however, I can tell you know that having both of them are HORRIBLE, they can feed off of each other and they are things that sometimes you can’t control and can’t make better.

Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk or know something.

Birthday Number 3…

So to round out this week is birthday number 3… this would be Aden. Aden today turned 6… how did it just happen that I have a 6 year old on earth and a 4 year old in heaven, when did they get so Big.

I have to say that I was a tad nervous because of last year’s party but I can say we are blessed with amazing and wonderful friends. Everyone seemed to come together to bless all of us…. Friends from out of town and friends that are close to us. It was a huge hit to be at the park for them to run and play.

Aden was blessed with lots of legos, transformers and things that will entertain him for hours… YAY!!!!!!! I was blessed with converstation and hugs

I have many many more things to say but I have to say but I am so exhausted so I will try to right more later.