Adam and I have are starting on a journey that we haven’t been on before. Aden, our 5.5 year old, will be starting Kindergarten Monday. Now, he has been in school for two years before this but this is real school. When did he get so old? Somewhere in all of the things that our family went through Aden has grown up some. He is amazing little boy who has a caring heart. He is strong and a leader, I can’t wait to see what this year has for us. We still have little things that we need to do for him for school, even though he is going to a public school, he has to have uniforms so I finish buying those. However, it is just the little things.
There are moments that I get really sad about him starting Kindergarten but then I stop and I think about it as a parent aren’t we trying to get them to grow, mature and be significant adults. Part of growing up is to go to school. We have to pray that we equipped him to go into the school. In this case, since he is still so young, we get to stay super involved in all that is going on and he is willing to have us there. I will miss all of the things that we have done in the past two years but I think that we are starting a new journey.
As his mom this is what I would love for him to not only know but to realize:
• We love him more than he will ever know. Aden and I have developed this tradition that is I will say “I love you more” and he will answer “than you know” it is our reminder that though I have to be a parent that I love him more than he can imagine.
• We are here for him no matter what is going on, no matter what he thinks he has done or not done. In life we all make do things that don’t make sense to the outside world.
• He is capable and wonderful. As adults we sometimes doubt ourselves and what we are able to do. I am praying that we can instill in Aden that he is capable of doing all that he desires to do. He may have to work at it but he can do it.
• That he is an amazing child of God, who has gifts, talents, and abilities that make him amazing. He was designed by God to do amazing things.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
WORD WEDNESDAY
FRIEND
Someone who cares for and desires to be around a person.
Okay sounds simple enough but what I have learned is that there is many different ways to be a friend. There is the way when we were younger… you play sports together, go to school together, call and talk to each other on the phone (although these day you would probably get on facebook together) Being a friend meant that you were there for fun.
Then there is a friend when you get a tad older. You know that bad thing happen and that those things can affect your relationship, you listen to people and what they say, you allow the situation to say if you will continue to be friends. Circumstances change your view and what you need to do.
Then there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother, a friend that no matter what the circumstance is there. It can be 5 am and they are there or it can be midnight at they are there. They are there for dinner, for fun, for 1st and for lasts. They are the ones that decide to stick around when the world steps out. When it is impossible to understand what is going on they are there still hugging and holding your hand. They are willing to be the interceptor of stupid comments and of people that are clueless. They are willing to listen to you whine and complain (sometimes about the same thing over and over again). They love you and they care about you. They are there no matter what. You may not have many of these but they are there and are willing to be there for the whole process which may not be pretty or desirable.
In every situation we have the ability and the opportunity to be a friend. It is hard I know when your life is different than the next persons. It can be that you are chosen to fill a certain role, something that is good for you but that your friends have to stay behind for. Will they support you? The better question is how you are going to react. Are you going to act like you are better than them or that you have all the answers? Are you going to exclude them? Are you going to forget about them? You can’t control them; you can only be the best friend that you can be. You can call and email them; you can choose to not forget them.
As a friend: I can choose if I let a friend in to all of the emotions and interactions that occur. The stages of grief that are often mixed and often occur at the same time, when it is time to change and to move on when the world doesn’t get it. To want to have them to hold your hand but not know the words, To be mad at the world and to be willing to tell them, To admit that you are depressed and that you can’t do it all, To admit that sometimes breathing is too much to talk to them is too much (even though you want to), To hug and to be touched when you don’t understand. To accept help, To be there when you don’t want to, To be willing to not say a word, To take all the screaming/mad feelings/and heartache, To accept the love, To give the love… TO SIMPLELY BE A FRIEND!
Striving to be a friend and to let those that want to be my friend be there.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Truthful Tuesday
There are a million things that I can write about right now that can be in truth… how I am feeling? What is going on? How things are? However since this is my 1st Tuesday writing I want to be truthful, I want to be honest about Grief. I have learned that grief is that black topic that nobody wants to talk about; it is something that people hide or simply paint over with flowery words. When someone passes away we are supposed to deal with on our own, maybe a friend or two but overall it is something that is swept under the carpet and hidden.
Tons of research has been done on Grief, there are stages that most go through. Some go through them all, some go through one, some get stuck in one, some go through the stages in a different order, sometimes the person goes through a stage only to go back through it again later, and some don’t touch all of the stages but research has found that everybody hits at least one of these stages when you are grieving. During different parts of your life it may be bought back up in your life even if you have dealt with it.
SHOCK &DENIAL… you know just not a river that lives in Egypt but the if we ignore what happened long enough it never happened. Now we know this isn’t the case, we know that if someone passes away there is nothing that will bring that person back, however, the shock the pain of the situation can often take time to acknowledge and realize that it is there. Sometimes we even remove ourselves from the reality that it ever happened, driving a different way, stop talking to particular friends, change our clothes and our hair. Reality is the situation occurred and there is nothing we can do to change it. Sometimes this comes and goes; it can last for days or weeks, sometimes it can last years. It is a fog that we can’t explain. We are in shock that we have lost the person and all of the situations that have been occurring in our lives.
PAIN &GUILT.. Most people think that they understand this but I can tell you I never understood it till I was dealing with loosing Zach. I faced it in other situations but the pain and the guilt is so amazedly strong that I can’t explain it. I feel guilty that I can be with friends, laugh, play and be at home when Zachary isn’t here anymore. Both of these emotions are ones that I can’t describe. Sometimes the sense of relief is overwhelming. When you have a job, you go on vacation and you recoup, in this case I was only able to do this once my responsibility was taken from me, I feel guilty that I couldn’t fix him, protect him, or do all that I needed to keep him here.
ANGER & BARGAINING This is something that if you had asked me about yesterday I truthfully could have told you what I have learned but to actually understand it I missed the concept. However, I know can tell you that ANGER is real. I have never been so angry and not have that anger be focused or caused by a situation or a person. To be mad but not at a person is something that is so hard. It has been hard to be in this stage, it is easier for me because at least I don’t just have tears streaming down my face but it has been far harder to understand. Hard to understand the anger that is bubbling up that I don’t have a reason for. Some people want to know “why” but for me I don’t care why I just wish it didn’t happen. Some people say “I will do this if you bring him back or fix it”, for me I don’t care about that too, I just want to know that I did all that I did and the anger to go away.
DEPRESSION Every person you talk to has been touched by depression. It can be loneliness, feeling all alone when you are in the midst of a churchful of people. It can be reflection, replaying all of the things that you did with the person and longing to be with them. For me this has been a hard topic…. I have a friend that when asked how I am doing will answer, she just lost her son! Now why do I mention this because if you were to ask me how I am doing what is my answer? Seriously, have you tried it??? My answer is fine, okay, hanging… never more than that. It is hard to talk about having seconds where you can’t breathe because it is all overwhelming, it is hard to talk about being upset to the point that you don’t understand the purpose, it is hard to say that you miss your son and that you rather have him in your arms.
WORKING THROUGH IT… This is simply what it is… you take all the emotions, feelings, and situations and you work through them, you ask the hard questions, you do the hard things, you get upset at people that will take the blunt just so you can be honest and open with them. You are able to state from beginning to end that there is an issue that you are dealing with. I know for me my brain is in such a fog that some moments I can’t figure out how to breath much less the situation, working through the situation hasn’t even been close to my mind.
ACCEPTANCE &HOPE I am trying to learn what this one is, I have hope, I know that Zachary was blessed to be with Jesus and so I am okay with that, I am accepting of that but I am having a hard time realizing that Zach isn’t here. That I am not able to do all the things with him that I used to do. This is something that I think is going to take me a while to have that acceptance that it si all okay and the hope that it was all for a greater purpose.
I have been through some of these stages multiple times already, I have learned there isn’t a right way, and those that tell you there is a right way never have been through it. I have several stages that I wish I could avoid or that I wish no one can see but truth be told, I am just praying that God can use me and that through me, His light and His love can be shown.
Tons of research has been done on Grief, there are stages that most go through. Some go through them all, some go through one, some get stuck in one, some go through the stages in a different order, sometimes the person goes through a stage only to go back through it again later, and some don’t touch all of the stages but research has found that everybody hits at least one of these stages when you are grieving. During different parts of your life it may be bought back up in your life even if you have dealt with it.
SHOCK &DENIAL… you know just not a river that lives in Egypt but the if we ignore what happened long enough it never happened. Now we know this isn’t the case, we know that if someone passes away there is nothing that will bring that person back, however, the shock the pain of the situation can often take time to acknowledge and realize that it is there. Sometimes we even remove ourselves from the reality that it ever happened, driving a different way, stop talking to particular friends, change our clothes and our hair. Reality is the situation occurred and there is nothing we can do to change it. Sometimes this comes and goes; it can last for days or weeks, sometimes it can last years. It is a fog that we can’t explain. We are in shock that we have lost the person and all of the situations that have been occurring in our lives.
PAIN &GUILT.. Most people think that they understand this but I can tell you I never understood it till I was dealing with loosing Zach. I faced it in other situations but the pain and the guilt is so amazedly strong that I can’t explain it. I feel guilty that I can be with friends, laugh, play and be at home when Zachary isn’t here anymore. Both of these emotions are ones that I can’t describe. Sometimes the sense of relief is overwhelming. When you have a job, you go on vacation and you recoup, in this case I was only able to do this once my responsibility was taken from me, I feel guilty that I couldn’t fix him, protect him, or do all that I needed to keep him here.
ANGER & BARGAINING This is something that if you had asked me about yesterday I truthfully could have told you what I have learned but to actually understand it I missed the concept. However, I know can tell you that ANGER is real. I have never been so angry and not have that anger be focused or caused by a situation or a person. To be mad but not at a person is something that is so hard. It has been hard to be in this stage, it is easier for me because at least I don’t just have tears streaming down my face but it has been far harder to understand. Hard to understand the anger that is bubbling up that I don’t have a reason for. Some people want to know “why” but for me I don’t care why I just wish it didn’t happen. Some people say “I will do this if you bring him back or fix it”, for me I don’t care about that too, I just want to know that I did all that I did and the anger to go away.
DEPRESSION Every person you talk to has been touched by depression. It can be loneliness, feeling all alone when you are in the midst of a churchful of people. It can be reflection, replaying all of the things that you did with the person and longing to be with them. For me this has been a hard topic…. I have a friend that when asked how I am doing will answer, she just lost her son! Now why do I mention this because if you were to ask me how I am doing what is my answer? Seriously, have you tried it??? My answer is fine, okay, hanging… never more than that. It is hard to talk about having seconds where you can’t breathe because it is all overwhelming, it is hard to talk about being upset to the point that you don’t understand the purpose, it is hard to say that you miss your son and that you rather have him in your arms.
WORKING THROUGH IT… This is simply what it is… you take all the emotions, feelings, and situations and you work through them, you ask the hard questions, you do the hard things, you get upset at people that will take the blunt just so you can be honest and open with them. You are able to state from beginning to end that there is an issue that you are dealing with. I know for me my brain is in such a fog that some moments I can’t figure out how to breath much less the situation, working through the situation hasn’t even been close to my mind.
ACCEPTANCE &HOPE I am trying to learn what this one is, I have hope, I know that Zachary was blessed to be with Jesus and so I am okay with that, I am accepting of that but I am having a hard time realizing that Zach isn’t here. That I am not able to do all the things with him that I used to do. This is something that I think is going to take me a while to have that acceptance that it si all okay and the hope that it was all for a greater purpose.
I have been through some of these stages multiple times already, I have learned there isn’t a right way, and those that tell you there is a right way never have been through it. I have several stages that I wish I could avoid or that I wish no one can see but truth be told, I am just praying that God can use me and that through me, His light and His love can be shown.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Lessons from a 5.5 year old
Situations come and some of them are bad and some of them are good. We take them and we deal with the situations as they come. Sometimes the littlest of situations knock us down and other times the biggest situations we fly through with the easiest of ease.
Aden, who is 5.5 years old, is one of those that constantly amaze me. He is the most flexible amazing child I have ever seen. He was able to take the days that Zach was sick and be okay with it. He was able to go to multiple houses and have multiple ideas of what is going to happen. In this case, Aden has taught me a lot. It isn’t about the situation it is about the love and your ability to go through the situation.
From my 5.5 year old I have learned:
• There is nothing like a hug from your mom or your dad. Other people can hug but to have a hug that soothes your heart it has to be your mom or your dads.
• There is nothing like structure, or at least knowing that there is none. Aden needed to have structure, he needs to have structure but as long as we were honest with him, he was okay. He is amazing flexible but he likes to know that he is taken care of even if that means that we don't know what it is
• There isn’t always an answer. As parents we want to have all the answers we want to be able to say this is why or this is what this is. However, we have learned that just always isn’t possible. There are situations that occur that have no earthly rhyme or reason.
• There is nothing that can fix a heart of a child. As adults our hearts function differently, we have to much heart knowledge and it gets in the way. However, the brain knowledge gets in the way even more. As adults it is hard to get over what we know and what we we have experienced to heal completely. As a child you just do what you do, it is a child like Faith, you just know that it will be okay, you just know that things are okay.
•The things that we don’t understand help a ton. Getting to be with friends and getting to be the ones to talk and play. Seeing him interact with a friend of his (we don’t see her often but he cares deeply for her) reminded me that having friends there even if they are clueless to the activity shows. He didn't have to tell her about anything, she loved him for him, they were in their own 5 year old world.
I will stand and admit that that I have no clue how my son is so AMAZING, he is a true gift from God. He is able to be so much more than I ever could imagine and he is so strong. I am thankful that through all this I am able to see all the amazing little things that he is... Smart, Caring, Funny, Strong, Loving, AMAZING!
Aden, who is 5.5 years old, is one of those that constantly amaze me. He is the most flexible amazing child I have ever seen. He was able to take the days that Zach was sick and be okay with it. He was able to go to multiple houses and have multiple ideas of what is going to happen. In this case, Aden has taught me a lot. It isn’t about the situation it is about the love and your ability to go through the situation.
From my 5.5 year old I have learned:
• There is nothing like a hug from your mom or your dad. Other people can hug but to have a hug that soothes your heart it has to be your mom or your dads.
• There is nothing like structure, or at least knowing that there is none. Aden needed to have structure, he needs to have structure but as long as we were honest with him, he was okay. He is amazing flexible but he likes to know that he is taken care of even if that means that we don't know what it is
• There isn’t always an answer. As parents we want to have all the answers we want to be able to say this is why or this is what this is. However, we have learned that just always isn’t possible. There are situations that occur that have no earthly rhyme or reason.
• There is nothing that can fix a heart of a child. As adults our hearts function differently, we have to much heart knowledge and it gets in the way. However, the brain knowledge gets in the way even more. As adults it is hard to get over what we know and what we we have experienced to heal completely. As a child you just do what you do, it is a child like Faith, you just know that it will be okay, you just know that things are okay.
•The things that we don’t understand help a ton. Getting to be with friends and getting to be the ones to talk and play. Seeing him interact with a friend of his (we don’t see her often but he cares deeply for her) reminded me that having friends there even if they are clueless to the activity shows. He didn't have to tell her about anything, she loved him for him, they were in their own 5 year old world.
I will stand and admit that that I have no clue how my son is so AMAZING, he is a true gift from God. He is able to be so much more than I ever could imagine and he is so strong. I am thankful that through all this I am able to see all the amazing little things that he is... Smart, Caring, Funny, Strong, Loving, AMAZING!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Special Sunday
God reached down and touched me, I can't say that my brain knows anything different but I can say that my heart is amazed and the flame that I have been needing to see through this dark time was made brighter. It is hard because I feel so different than everyone else, I feel like I am on the outside looking in unsure of how life is really supposed to be.
So why is today Special Sunday because I was blessed enough to be with my family, to have what I need, to be loved and cherished. I have been struggling with everything so to have things, reminders like to day is very special. God is there and while I feel like I can't accomplish anything, I am reminded that God is there and that He is my Daddy (my HEAVENLY FATHER) and He cares deeply for me. There is nothing that goes on that is out of His control. Yes, I know considering it all I should know this, but sometimes we have to be reminded.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
So So Saturday
So, what to say, what to type? Reality is that I don't have a clue on what to say I have come to the conculsion that some days are just a mix of Good and Hard and Bad and Wonderful.
So here I sit thinking how to I share who I am to all these people when at this moment the thoughts are moving so rapidly in my head that I can't think.
So here it goes....
So my heart is feeling horrible for instances that are beyond my control
So my heart is feeling like it is missing the things that have been part of me for so long.
So my heart is feeling blessed to have a husband that will be embarassed for me and will stick by me no matter what.
So my heart is feeling thankful that each day ONLY has 24 hours, which means tomorrow will start new
So here I sit thinking how to I share who I am to all these people when at this moment the thoughts are moving so rapidly in my head that I can't think.
So here it goes....
- My husband and I got to go on a date night last night and had a GREAT time, it was the 1st time in a long time that we were able to laugh and enjoy each other without the guilt of anything else.
- This morning we went and we were able to bless my husband with getting a new car, this is something that we have been looking at for a long time and just now got things arranged so we could do it. This is an all God thing and I am delighted for my husband to get to have something just for him.
- Tomorrow we are going to get to be with friends and enjoy it all.
So my heart is feeling horrible for instances that are beyond my control
So my heart is feeling like it is missing the things that have been part of me for so long.
So my heart is feeling blessed to have a husband that will be embarassed for me and will stick by me no matter what.
So my heart is feeling thankful that each day ONLY has 24 hours, which means tomorrow will start new
Friday, July 29, 2011
FAITH FULL FRIDAY
When I started this back I wondered "what am I going to write about?" but truth be told I can ramble all day long if I were to sit here and just type. Today's thought is FAITH FULL, yes I know that I wrote that differently than you expected but I did for a reason. Lots of people have Faith when they are going through a hard situation, however, when the good times or the easy times are occurring they don't have faith. So while I am walking through a darker time in my life I just can't imagine not having FAITH. I want to strive to have Faith all the time, in every situation. For me I want and am striving to have Faith in Jesus and in God, not in the situation, in a person or anything else.
Faith, the word changes it meaning depending on your age and your situation. To some it is simply will this chair hold me? Will I be able to see my friend tonight? For some the questions will be different. Will I have enough money? Will I really have someone who will help me? Will I have to go through this alone? Will this really work out? Going through the past 4 years I have learned to have faith is one thing, to really hold on to it and exercise it is another. I can pull verse after verse after verse that will show you that God is here that He is faithful and that He knows what is doing but I want to take a sec and be even more honest than that.
I have to have FAITH that:
Faith, the word changes it meaning depending on your age and your situation. To some it is simply will this chair hold me? Will I be able to see my friend tonight? For some the questions will be different. Will I have enough money? Will I really have someone who will help me? Will I have to go through this alone? Will this really work out? Going through the past 4 years I have learned to have faith is one thing, to really hold on to it and exercise it is another. I can pull verse after verse after verse that will show you that God is here that He is faithful and that He knows what is doing but I want to take a sec and be even more honest than that.
I have to have FAITH that:
- I will wake up after attempting to sleep for a night and that I will have gotten enough sleep for that day to take care of the things that I need to take care of. For those that don't know I am averaging 4 hours of sleep a night. My brain decides that it doesn't want to turn off which has caused me to be up at hours that I would much much rather sleep.
- I will have people around me that will care about me
- I will get through this step by step. Now this is one of those things that mean different things in different situations. I am learning that sometimes step by step, sec by sec can be too much. There are instances where that sec is overwhelming and seems like you can't breath much less do something.
- while the walls fall, they come crashing down. That I will make it through and that I will in fact be stronger. That I have to be more transparent, that being weak and having problems dealing with things is a normal occurrence. Honestly we all have things that overwhelm us, right, so if that is the case I can do this. I can be honest enough to say that I am having issues.
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