The Moody Tales

There is a peace I’ve come to know…

2012-02-02T14:51:00.002-05:00

I don’t even know where to start, cause while there is a peace that I know, a peace that I know is given from God there is also hurt in ways that many don’t understand. God has been so wonderful to be gracious and answer prayers. I needed to be able to talk about and confess some of the emotions that I have been going through. It was a hard thing for me… the reason why is because I have been told so many negative things, while I know that I don’t need to pay attention on the same hand it hurt badly to try to open up again. So I prayed that God will show me who and if I needed to talk to others. I needed to know by name, so I wouldn’t doubt and worry. So praying after about a week, God gave me some names and then it was no longer who I needed to talk to and be honest with but how. HOW do I do this?

I have been told, this is just a few of the ones that I have been told...

I have been told that I don’t want to be okay; well truth is there is nothing that I want more. I have to also wonder who gets to decide what okay looks like. Who gets to say that everything is okay or that things are going right? This is something that is so hard to deal with because each and every moment can be different. It comes in waves, it hits in ways that can be seen but also in ways that might be hidden.

I have been told that I don’t believe in God enough; well truth is that I do believe and I do know that things will be okay, it will just take time. Sometimes the things are going on has nothing to do with my belief but on the belief that it is all done to be for God’s glory.

I have been told that I don’t care about others, that I put myself above others, well truth is that I care more about others and their emotions than I do about my own. I have focused on others so much that I have forgotten about me.

I have been told that I haven’t prayed enough, well truth is there isn’t a day that I haven’t prayed and believed in my heart that God is listening. I believe that God is there and that God knows, I believe that things are sometimes beyond what I can think and even know it is beyond what I can comprehend.

There are many things that I am trying to learn and trying to figure out. I am working on being positive about it all. I stepped out and I started to do what God has told me to do. To be open, honest, and truthful. People can’t help if they don’t know. So as my blog continues, my whole heart is at peace but my emotions and the struggles that I have are still there. I have to figure out if I want the whole world to see, just a few to know, or none. Do I want to open myself up to be told something else again? Sometimes I wonder if I understand, if I know what is going on in my heart. Sometimes I doubt it all but not because of God but because of me, I know God is able but it is me that I doubt. When it is all said and done I want to be an AMAZING wife, mom and friend. I want to make a difference.

Brave

2012-01-31T16:50:00.000-05:00

What does the word BRAVE mean? It is one of those words that we throw around and say all the time but I don’t think that we truly know what it means. I was recently told that I was brave and it made me wonder. According to this definition being brave is something that can be in a variety of ways. Being brave is possessing or exhibiting courage or a courageous endurance.

When I think of brave I think of Zachary… all the testing and how scary it probably was for him, I think of all the pain that he endured and how he was able to smile and move on like it was just part of the gift that he was given. I think of Zachary being able to be BRAVE and tell us that he was going to go home to Heaven and see Jesus. How brave was Zach to love on all of us when he was hurting so badly? How brave he was to act like all is okay and that he was fine even when hurting? How brave he was to smile at everyone? How brave was Zach to go to and sit nicely at a table at a restaurant knowing that he couldn’t have any of it that one sip or one taste would hurt him? How brave was he to go and have his daddy time and to do events with us as a family knowing his little body was going to hurt more late. That is being brave.

When I think of brave I think of Aden… all the flexibility and the unknowing that he went through. I think of how brave he was to love on me and his daddy when our hearts were broken. How brave he must be to keep going like things are okay, when his world has been turned upside down. How brave it is to not know if he was going to be with mom or dad that night or if he was even going to get to come home. How brave was he to learn what he could eat and not eat so he would be more safe while at others houses? How brave he is to be willing to go and see his brother knowing that his brother is going to go to heaven? How brave he was to climb up in his bed and tell Zach that it is okay to go be with God? To crawl up in the bed with him after zach died to tell him that one last time that he loved him. That is being brave.

When I think of brave I think of Adam… all the things that he had to do that caused him to trust me to take care of Aden and Zach. Him being brave enough to work to provide for us. Him being brave enough to go talk to his bosses to say that he made a mistake even though he knew that it might cause him his job. How brave was he to know that he was going to have to go to work and miss surgeries of his son? How brave was he to take time off to spend with us as a family before it was too late? How brave was he to stand and walk with me down the aisle of the same place that we got married to listen to our pastor say goodbye to Zach? That is being brave

When I think of brave I think of those friends who didn’t know what to say or do but stuck around anyway. I think of those friends that have been through hurts as well but are honest enough to fill me in on all the details that I don’t know, reliving some of that pain so I will know what to pray for. How brave is it to listen to hurt and complaining knowing that you can’t help? How brave it is to be there to hold on and to love on those that need it even if you don’t understand. I think of those that are willing to put themselves aside to love on and to help others. I think of those that repeatedly ask to help when they know that the person is too scared to say that they need it. I think of those that need others and are willing to admit that they do. I think of those that are willing to be transparent, wonderful, loving and hopeful even when life seems harsh. That is brave.

I don't see me as being brave, I see me being surrounded by amazing people

2012-01-30T15:07:00.000-05:00

My heart has had some pretty hard hits lately, I know that there are things that go on that I totally can't Cope with, I have to say though I am blessed with some huge blessings. People that I spewed info to, one that hugged on me when I needed it the most, one that wouldn't let my simple canned answer be enough. My heart is heavy with all that is going in, trying to e the best wife, mother and friend, unsure as to how it will all work out.

I am thankful that God is always here! That His plan is perfect, the waiting is hard. not understanding is hard. Knowing you want to do something but can't get close enough to the person yet to do it, is hard but knowing that the hug to is reassure me. To feel as if God has reach down and told me, It is ok, hang tight, that God has me tight in His hand

a look back

2012-01-28T17:11:00.002-05:00

November 1^st, Aden and I started a new adventure. Aden started a private school and I started working at the school working in a young class. Aden needed a different environment, he needed to be somewhere that would love on him and a place that would allow him to grieve and process something that no child should have to go through. We also needed somewhere that would be able to work with him and develop the strengths that he already had and help him be the amazing little boy that he is. A place that would listen to our wishes and help support the things that were occurring in our family. We were also praying about putting him in a place that would also pour the foundations of God in his mind and heart. A place that he would be able to go to chapel and learn the things that he might need to be well rounded in his faith to help support the things that we were teaching him at home and that he was hearing at church.

In November Aden because the newest member of his kindergarten class, it now consists of 2 boys and 4 girls. He is surrounded by love and by people that will take the time to support him. They unfortunately have dealt with death and grief and so they have been a huge blessing to Aden. He has been able to be focused on and allowed to move at a faster pace than he was in public school. He has also surprised MaMaw and PaPaw by being able to tell them a complete Bible story from start to finish. He is learning not only the bible stories but he is also learning verses. He is able to eat lunches there and to have a social aspect that he couldn’t at the other school, they watch out for the things that he can’t eat because of allergies. They have loved on him through his medical issues and haven’t made fun of him or pointed him our as being different. He loves going to school know and loves the people that he sees and interacts with daily.

In November I started helping one of the younger classes and involving myself back in the gift that God has given me which is dealing with young children and helping those that need extra support. I have enjoyed being able to love them and being involved in things that are going on. I have had the chance to love on some that need extra love on bad days and I have been loved on more on the days that I need more loving as well. I have started to develop friendships and understand what it means like to have people that are willing to pray for you and willing to help you walk daily. I am also being allowed to use the gift that Zach helped me develop even more and deal with students that might need some extra help. This is something that I haven’t done for others since I had Zach; I poured it all into him. Now 7 months later, God told me that it was time to step up and start again. I am honored to be in a place that will allow me to love on and help develop the students that are there.

Why is this in the blog today??? Good question the reason is, God has blessed me with a gift, a talent. I don’t see it but I know from others that it is there, I see it as just something that I love to do. God has allowed me to start new with something that I never thought that I would, which is working in a school and helping the students that might need extra help, and I love it. I have to admit though I have been struggling with letting God work through me, I didn’t understand it all, I didn’t understand how God was choosing to use me when I was so emotional and so hurt by all that has occurred in the last 7 months, but now that I am stepping up and stepping out doing what God wants me to do I can see the happiness coming back. Striving to find out what my purpose is, to figure out why I am here and why I have been through all I am. God however, is showing me that He has us in his hands, while Aden might have had a rough start to the school year; he is now exactly where he needs to be. While I might struggle with all the emotions and overwhelmness of things, I am right where I need to be with the wonderful loving ladies that have pulled up beside me and allowed me to be me. God is revealing His plan little by little but He has called me to walk by Faith, that hasn’t been easy but I am happy to say that I am now stepping out on that path that He has blessed me with. HONORED and humbled!!!

a few days...

2012-01-27T06:48:00.001-05:00

It has been a few days since I posted and I have to admit it was kinda on purpose, I have had some things that I needed to deal with and handle and pray about so I could be truly okay with some it all.

Throughout the years God has been with us without a doubt, however, recently I felt like I was being punished and having a hard time with it. I knew I wasn’t but really with all that was going on I had forgotten that I am Gods daughter. Why is this important? How much do you love your child, children? I love mine and I would do anything in my power to make everything okay and to keep them from harm. God loves us even more.

God has placed some very important people in my life and each one has done a totally different role and while I have been nervous and even scared to embark on it, it was something that I needed to do. God has called me to trust Him and trust others and to be more transparent. Now, not everyone needs to know everything but no one can help if they don’t know what to pray for or what needs to be done. So I asked God simply “WHO?” and surprise God took all the doubt out by naming who. Not only did God tell me who but He told me that He would be with me to give me the words that I needed to say.

I started on this journey this week.. Trying to talk, well verbal still sucks but texting is fabulous. Why am I telling you this? It is so hard in the midst of our troubles to know that we aren’t alone. We are never alone and no matter how much we think that people don’t care. They do care and they want to help. They need to know what… I hate telling people that we need blank, trust me I get it but I have realized that there are needs that others can help with and I need to allow God to work however, He desires to be all that we need and desire. I am the one people come to and I rather it be that way. However, God designed us to cling to HIM during all of the struggles and the daily things that come our way. He does however, give us people on our paths that will help us and love on us. I am thankful for the new ones that I have, how wonderful and peaceful it has been since letting God work and listening to Him.

Someone

2012-01-25T15:39:00.000-05:00

Someone asked what they can do for us.... I can't remember who it was or what we were talking about. If you are the one that asked me can you post a comment or email me

Emotions

2012-01-23T08:37:00.002-05:00

Well I'm an emotional person, I struggle with them. I hurt when others hurt and I feel good when others feel good. I have also learned that in being emotional it is very hard to deal with all of the things that get thrown your way. It is like you know what you should do however, your mind And heart disagree.

This is where I am at this moment, I know what I should be doing, I know how everyone thinks I should be doing, I know however the things that are bubbling up things are kinda crazy. Everyone has things that effect them in ways that people don't understand. The emotions that bubble up when you least expect them too.

So what emotions are there:
-hurt
-isolation
-grief
-anger
-pain
-sadness
-loss
-guilt
-hope
-love
-joy
-understanding
-thankfulness

See some good and some bad, some hurtful some not, some that you may understand some you make shake your head at. What happens when they all happen at once though? What happens when you walk into a place you feel safe and loved and before you can make it to the doors you start to bawl? Do you just let the tears come and let everyone see or do you feel like you have to quickly stop and hide all of the emotions? When you have a friend that keeps talking about pain or hurt do you listen or do you shut them down saying they are okay? Do you tell themthat thy just dont want to see the good or that they just want to hurt? Do you tell them that they arent listening to God or that they are not reading their Bible enough? What happens if they need to just say it and deal with the words of all that has been happening but everyone just keeps telling them they are okay so they start to feel like they aren't doing things okay and are feeling like they are wrong for hurting because no one seems to care that they are really hunting? What happens if they just need to know that they are not alone? What happens if they just need people to be okay with them talking because they aren't telling the world just those that are safe? What if you are the ONLY one they are talking to? What if it took them days to get up the courage to say something and then they are met with being told that they are okay or any of those comments?

Emotions are real, you may not understand them but they are there, they effect everything you feel and do. This is a rainy horribly yucky Monday and I am reminded it is all going to be okay, the emotions I have are real and will need to be worked through but I am okay. I am reminding myself that I am worth it and I will be okay

A confession

2012-01-19T08:59:00.000-05:00

There is this story in Luke 8 that talks about a woman who was facing a personal issue and was considered to be unclean, something that was personal and beyond her control, that had been going on for years. One day when Jesus came through she got the courage and went out to see if she could just touch his hem of his garment. She didn't want to bother she didn't want to make a big huge scene but she wanted to touch his clothes to be close enough to suck in all of the goodness that Jesus had. To be in the prescence of God. She did in fact touch Jesus and instantly she was healed, Jesus knew and called asking who had touched him. He called out to her out and told her, by your faith you are healed.

In today's age, I will be honest I never understood that story, we are far more accepting of things and not only that but medicine is much better so I always just took it as our faith helps us. Last night however, I had an exprience that I think I realize the desperation and the desire that this women might have had.

There is a woman at my church, she is older than me, she isn't old enough to have lost her husband but her husband was called to be with God. She is farther in her grief journey than I am and has really pulled up beside me, while different situations it has been nice. She has been the one to encourage me to go to griefshare, to cont. to try to make it through it all, now she is not the only one but I know that her grief is so real and new to her as well. She has made sure that I know that I am not crazy or that we might be crazy together but tht I am not alone in what I am feeling. She has been free to text and message allowing me to try to be transparent with some of the emotions that the world doesnt understwnd. I think to I look to her not only because she is older than I am but because she is farther in her faith that I am as well.

Anyway, last night we had a fellowship at church and we sat one table over from this wonderful lady. All night I couldn't help but think about how good she looked, how radiant she looked, how joyous she was, how happy. It was like I could almost see it oozing off of her, now it wasn't but I could see how God is healing her heart. I thought to myself, I want to be like that again. I want to be happy, I want to ooze joy and goodness. I wondered if i would ever make it to that point, to just be happy in the moment no matter what. I started to think that maybe if I moved tables, if I could sit with her maybe it would rub off on me. Maybe I could have some of that. I wondered what people saw when they looked at me if the saw joy or if they saw a black cloud. I wondered if I could steal just a drop of her personality and attitude just to try to make it through some of the things that are so heavy on my heart. I thought just an ounce, just a drop actually and that would be good. If I could get a hug and that would rub off on me, it would be fabulous. Joy, peace, raidance, contentment, glowing ... I was just in awe

I suddenly realize what that biblical woman must have felt, so desperate for God to show up knowing that if she could reach out, it would heal/help her.

A letter

2012-01-18T09:10:00.001-05:00

Well I have started the 2nd session of Griefshare, I'm not sure if I am in a different place now than I was during the 1st session, if God is working differently or if I am just listening differently. We are two weeks into it and they suggested doing something and I thought of it for this blog.

There is something called a Grief Letter, this is something that kinda explains what is going on and how you are doing. It is designed to be mailed and sent but I thought that I had so many read this blog that here was where I needed to start it. so bare with me I am on the iPad typing this and so it might not be perfect but I pray that you get the point.

Dear Family, Friends and all those that walking with us,

In June of 2011, my husband and I suffered a devastating loss. It will take months and possibly years for us to recover from this loss. I will be devastated at times this means I will cry, I will get upset, I sometimes have uncontrollable times of tears. I don't apologize for my tears, I am sorry if they make you uncomfortable but they are part of my life now. There are times when I will be angry not with people but just with life in itself. I know that they will not make sense at times but it is very real to me. Please don't tell me to get over it, deal with it, or tell me that it isnt that bad because in my heart it is real. There will be times that I wont now how to function and where all my emotions are haywire.

What do I need from you? Well I am not sure but the first thing is I need you to bare with me, know that the hurts and emotions are temporary while it may be a while I am working on them. I know God can use them and even more importantly I know that God can heal. Please know that as Much as I am trying not to isolate, it does happen. Sometimes my heart and mind have a hard time dealing and the pain is so real I pull away. My words in person, the ability to talk falters and so I pull away. I don't want to be fake so sometimes in my head this makes more sense to go away.

Please pray for me, love on me and know that I appreciate it. If you are one that hugs, please give me hugs, they reassure me that I am not broken. If you knew zach, have memories of zach, love zach please continue to talk about him. Please don't be afraid... He is my precious little boy and always will be. It would truly suck to know or think that zach has been forgotten.

Please know that I didn't loose zach... I know exactly where zach is. He is in heaven, he is blessed enough to be in the presence of God, healed and physically perfect. While I miss him, long for his touch, his smile and his love there is nothing that would make me want him to come back and endure the pain that he had during his short life. He was so strong and my prayer is that I can be half as strong as he was.

Please know that as events happen, the negiative ones compound. if you have never heard this, this is what I mean. When you are emotionally tired, drained, even the little things upset you. Well zach's death isn't a little thing it is huge so when the little things come it easily can cause me to totally shut down and breakdown. Little things can seem petty to others but they are very real, little things that seemingly don't matter an be huge. Knowing that other people don't get it, don't understand or can't see it sometimes makes it even harder for me. If I could simply get over it, trust me, I would.

Please know that I don't doubt God! I have complete faith in Him. I do doubt how everything is going to work together and why the pain has to be so real and so vast. I wish that I could crawl up in God lap and be cuddled by the king. However, I do not doubt God.

Please know that if you pray for us we are thankful. Hearing that someone is praying for us has been the reason why I have made it this far. Knowing that we aren't physically alone is worth more than I can express.

Please share your good things and you bad too.... We aren't the only ones hurting and I need to know that, I need to be able to pray for things and rejoice in all of the good things too. If there is something that emotionally I can't do, I might be upset with myself for a moment but then I will remember God is always there and for now my role is something different. I have enjoyed getting to be at a baby shower, at a birth and getting to hold a baby. Yes it was hard but to not get to be part of that (after 20years would have been worse). All this to say your things still matter greatly to us, we know the world didn't end and we want to be part of it.

Please know that if you felt led to do something, we will not be offended, there are things that have caught us off guard but because they are needs that we haven't shared and yet God provided them. Yes even 7 months into this journey there are things that we don't expect and haven't thought about and things that we need to make it better.

This loss and all the things tht we went through are very very painful, it sometimes feels like nothing Is going right but I know this is for a season and that things will get better. I will survive and will be stronger for all of this. Thank you for reading this and if you need to talk more or want to contact me I am always here. I am thankful for you caring enough to be here with us.

blessing

2012-01-16T15:35:00.000-05:00

I am thankful that God loves me, I am thankful that He sends signs to let me know that things are going to be okay. Last night as I was drifting off to sleep I started to worry about the little things, I know better, I know that I can't do anything by worrying but there were things that kept coming up to the surface. This morning I helped Adam get off to his meetings and I started to think of all the things that we need to do. I took out trash, did dishes, did all of the things that I could get started.

I have learned that I am not one that easily says that what I need or when I need help. I have learned that if someones wants to bless us that I accept it graciously. I have a hard time opening my mouth and admitting when my heart is hurting and when I might need help. This is one thing that I am thankful that God doesn't depend on me to have all the answers.

I am thankful that God blesses me no matter what... I am thankful for family that loves on me and that helps us when we need it, willing to watch Aden and that I love to be with and to travel with. I am thankful for having a wonderful husband who will do everything that he can to provide for us. I am honored to be married and to truely LOVE my husband. I am thankful for friends... those friends that I have had for a long time and for those that I am just getting to know. For the ones that have gotten married and had little ones, ones that are willing to share the little ones with me. I love them... JP, I love you today and always!!! I am thankful we are close again and that I get to share your little elf, he is precious and so perfect. I am thankful for the friends that are willing to share with me when I have questions that don't have answers. The ones that know who I am but don't get mad when I doubt certain things. In this case I am thankful that we had people who bless us with items, with the little things.

Remember those little things that I was worrying about last night before I went to sleep, the ones that I knew I shouldn't have worried about but I was... God blessed us with some things that took care of those little things. Like God always done, He takes care of those who are His. I am honored that God cares about all things even the little things

How does that happen?

2012-01-14T11:20:00.000-05:00

Every now and then I do something and I forget what all has happened in the past 6 almost 7 months…. Today was one of those days. Adam, Aden and I went out to breakfast a treat for all of us but also some time for us to sit and chat and to remind each other that everything no matter how hard it may seem is okay. When we got home Adam was studying for his masters’ class, Aden was playing a video game on the Wii and me, and well I was sitting at the computer talking to some of my favorite people. I got up and went to the bathroom and it happened.

I forgot that Zach was in Heaven, Aden’s bedroom door was pulled almost closed, Zach and him used to share a room. The house was in quiet mode, something that we haven’t had to do in almost 7 months, you know that mode where everyone is doing something but trying to remain quiet so we don’t wake or disturb Zach. While washing my hands I wondered which medication was next and if it was time for me to do a med into his line and if so where the hand sanitizer was. I opened the door walked to Aden’s room and quietly opened the door, REALITY hit me hard. Zach wasn’t there, his bed wasn’t there, and time has moved on, Zach is in heaven.

How do you forget? What a horrible feeling as a mom to realize that for about 5 minutes I thought that Zach was still here, not horrible because I wanted to see him but horrible in the amount of pain that it caused. The pain is real and the heartache is unbearable at times. This is an experience that you can’t explain and that to the outside the world makes no sense… 8 months ago if I heard this I would have wondered about the psychological state of the person telling me but now I can say grief changes your life. My life changed when I had a child who was sick, a child with mito, but it changed again forever when he died. I have a ton of experiences I would have never have had, I love more now than I did before, I care more now about things that people don’t always get. I am now learning the pain of grief, of not being able to love on, hold, talk to, or take care of your child can hit you in the oddest ways at the times that you least expect it.

Word part 2

2012-01-12T08:45:00.000-05:00

So many people understood the beach story that I am going to try to eleborate on it a tad.

So on a beach you have the water or the ocean and you have the shore. Most people have a favorite of what they do but many people sit on the beach. They play and do other things to pass time and relax, reading, tanning, talking to name a few. They only look up on occasion to glance over the water.

Sometimes if you are sitting on shore when of glance up you notice the waves, they an be big or choppy or they might just look different. Sometimes you notice a pelican dive bombing into the water to catch a fish or sometimes you notice the sun and how is reflecting on the clouds or if it is gone. You notice the people playing in the water, but you only see their heads or part of them.

If you are sitting on the beach and you are making a sand castle then you are aware of the waves, see the waves move the sand and they destroy what you have built on occasions. Sometimes you have to start totally over, sometimes you have a little of the castle left and sometimes you have a person who just gtd do frustrated they stop and give up, throwing the shovel and pail to go to another activity.

If you are in the water you don't aways see where the undertow is taking you, you may wind up hundreds of yards away from your stuff. You don't realize how bright the sun is and how you might be getting sunburnt. You don't even notice the people around you possibly, you were caught up with the people you are with doing the things that you are doing.

Okay so why am I telling you this... Yesterday was a good day at the beach, it was pretty and calm and enjoyable. The waves came but the were mild and they didn't effect the emotions of the day. The pain was there but it was overshadowed by joy. I felt the best that I have felt in about two weeks. The waves came without noticing it they became rough and more painful, till I noticed that I was far away from where I needed to be hurting and all alone in the water. I was strong enough to realize those emotions don't have to win and I came to shore to find out the the tide was up an the water has swept away my things. I could look up and see the good... People that care and love tht is there but so tired from the emotions that I just gave up and laid down, crying and praying. For me I start to doubt what I should be doing and if I have a reason to be here. I start to doubt if I make a difference, if I am a good mom, if I am a good wife. Waves and waves and waves of emotions

So this morning I am sitting on the beach clinging to the shore where the waves are gentle in hopes that I can be okay, that I can make a difference and realize I am not alone.

Words

2012-01-11T08:53:00.000-05:00

Well there isn't much I can say at this moment... Greiving is like the waves of the ocean. They come and go, sometimes they are huge and powerful and other times the waves are soft and shallow. There are times though when those waves are unexpectly powerful and deep. The people on the shores, your family and friends, can't see how powerfully strong they are. They see that the waves are gentle and all is good. They can't feel the undertow of the currents and they can't tell that the ground is soggy and muddy, gross to stand on but also slippery and takes everything out of you to stand upright.

Same is true with life, often the circumstances that we are in flavor what we do or how feel about other things. Sometimes we need friends and family to love on us enough to gentle encourage us to move just a bit, to close our eyes for just a moment taking our focus off of the stuff that is there but to remind us we are still okay and not alone, that there is another voice which comes from outside our head which means we are not alone.

I have to say I am blessed... I know that I am not alone, I struggle with it all but I am not alone. I have friends and family that love me enough to bless me out. For those that dont know what that means that means that they love me enough to say things that could hurt and often do sting in order to help me move on. This week has been one of those weeks, I felt so negiative about everything and so upset beyond words that I could even put together. I had 3 people who let me fuss and complain to them. However after a while they stood up and said this isnt me talking.

See grieve and depression take over, it becomes where it is all you can see but it isn't the end. They were trying to remind me that i can't get so overwhelmed that i forget that I am loved. That there are things that I need to work on and improve on and say but that I am okay. I made it this far, God will not drop me now. That as the waves hit to look up, see the beautiful sunset and sky.

2 days

2012-01-06T10:14:00.000-05:00

I have thought for 2 days on what to write about…

I mean some of the people that read this know me personally (like for years), some know me personally but only for a short time, some know me as an imaginary friend (you know the ones that live inside the computer that I talk to for hours but no one else can see), and some were passed my information because of my amazing son. So I am left with “what do I say? How much is too much? How transparent do I want to be?” So I will warn you this posting is going to get a little deep but I have to write it.

You are never alone…NEVER. There is nothing that you can go through that you are the only one, the problem is twofold though 1. Finding someone that has been through it and 2. Believing in your heart that it is okay to be going through the situation. I guess there is a 3^rd problem being bold enough to admit to a person about the situation (to be honest in the situation). Now in saying this there isn’t another person that will understand 100% what you are going through, though similar situations they are never the same. I had a friend this week, one that I have never ever met in real life ask me a question. When she asked me I didn’t know, but I know that there is another person that I am friends with who felt the same way and told me about it. However, I am trying to figure out if I can go back and ask her questions about it. So back this question…It is one that I had never thought about, honestly and so I am going to write some about the things that I have been asked and told in hopes that you will know you aren’t alone.

My friend asked me as she typed from a hospital room, as we often have over the past 2 years, you always hear “if you are feeling like you are going to hurt yourself or that you want to kill yourself, please go get help” they always ask you when you check into the ICU “have you even had depression or been abused?” so what happens if you are wishing that God will come and take you from all the situations, what happens if you wish that you were in a fatal car accident, are you suicidal? Do you go and get help? Do you need help? Well I will be honest, I have heard those things and been asked those questions, which I have a huge, huge problem with being in the middle of a medical crisis and having a person that you don’t know ask you if you have been abused or if you have ever been depressed, that isn’t exactly the time nor the place, but whatever. But I have never thought about it, I mean I know that Jesus asked for the cup to be taken from Him, I have heard people say I don’t want to deal with this anymore just kill me. However, I never thought about it in a serious moment.

I instantly thought back to a friend, who although I haven’t know her for a long time she is one that I know will check on me and has provided smiles to my family, We met for coffee (well for me diet coke) and a bagel. I knew that she wanted to check on me, I knew she was scared that I wasn’t okay and that I was being the caretaker I am and I wasn’t telling because I wasn’t going to be a burden on anyone. We started our conversation, I hope it is her anyway if not I am combining stories horribly, and it turned to her telling me that one day she was driving and that she thought about how she could drive her car off the road and that could be the end of it. For her it was a thought that provoked getting help. I was being told it is okay to need help.

So being the friend I am I told the friend that typed me the question this… It is okay to need help, it is okay to ask for help, it is okay to not be okay (although I can attest this isn’t saying that it feels okay cause it doesn’t), it is okay to need to be loved and supported by those close to you, and it is okay to not be able to talk. It doesn’t mean that she is less of a Believer, it doesn’t mean that she is less of a Christian, it doesn’t mean that she is any less of an amazing person, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have enough faith. That if she was seriously thinking that (like more that a frustrated min as I know her child is ill) that she needed to find a counselor or a psychologist that could help her sort through the thoughts. She told me that she just needed to know that it is okay to feel overwhelmed and like she needed help and that she can’t ask at her church because depression is such a taboo topic. I get that, I was told that I didn’t have enough faith and that is why Zach was sick and then I was also told that I didn’t have enough faith and didn’t pray enough and that is why Zach died. I understand her fear, we are unmeaningly (is that a word) taught that if things aren’t okay then we are the problem, that we don’t believe enough, pray enough, have enough faith, or trust God enough. I assured her that she was and is going to make it through and it isn’t a knock on her.

Yesterday I thought about this… we are separate by miles (opposite sides of the US) and yet I was the one that she felt comfortable with talking to. I have several near me that I want to talk to by my heart is so guarded I am scared to pour out my heart to them. Why??? We all have things that we need support on; work, jobs, families, extended families, children, illnesses, past experiences that hurt, and many more. By me posting and talking about some of the rawness of the emotions that I have had with Zach it allowed her to feel like she could reach out and get help, it allowed her to know that there was someone that wouldn’t judge her but that would love on her, that if I was closer that I would wrap my arms around her and LOVE on her.

So here is part of my 2012 goals, to be one of the ones that is used to let people know that it is okay to need help. This means all kinds of help; asking for help for a task, emotional help, relationship help, spiritually help. Please if you want to chat with me please do, most of yall know you can email or pm me and I will get back to you. If you don’t know leave a comment and we will figure out how to touch base with each other again. The other part of this goal is that I learn to reach out too. See she reached out to me and it made me think, am I reaching out? Would I reach out if I needed it? Would I be honest? Do I have those that I would pour my whole heart to and be honest even if I thought that I would be judged for it? I am going to be working on those relationships.

We don’t walk this life alone, we are never ever alone!

The little things

2012-01-04T15:55:00.002-05:00

There are days when I just don’t know what I am supposed to do; I am still learning how to make everything run well and how to see the little things in life. I have been told that it is because I am looking up at the big things and getting so wrapped up and so involved in the big things that I forget the little things. So it got me to think about the little things, what are little things? …

The little things vary family to family actually person to person, for me the things are ones that people often overlook but that can make things a tad brighter, things that allow you to take a sec and know that everything is going to be okay, that to help you know all is good.

Jen’s little things:

· Diet Coke

· Texts from friends

· Not getting stopped at every red light

· Eating dinner or any meal with my husband and family

· Crushed ice

· Singing loud with the radio, no matter if the notes are in tune or not.

· Getting to talk to a friend

· Watching Aden play in the ocean in December

· Getting photographs of family

You see little things that no one will get why they are so important but they are, without these things life would be far less happy.

Day 3

2012-01-03T10:58:00.000-05:00

Day 3 of 2012 and I am just getting to my blog, short answer of why. I ran away… I got in the van with my family and left town. Ok, so I will admit it was like a last minute decision that we were actually going to do it and then once there some mentioned the word beach. Now for those that don’t know my family, you might not know that I have a 6year old boy, Aden, who should live at the BEACH, he loves the beach.

We decided that we would in fact take him to the beach and let him enjoy it…. Enjoy it he did. I think that someone forgot to tell Aden that the water is cold in December because he got in and enjoyed it. We walked on the beach, saw an amazing Christmas Beach tree, wrote in the sand and had a great time. We missed Zach being there with us but we laughed, cried, and had a great time. The beach is Aden’s ultimate place to be.

2012, I am not sure what is going to come out of it but I know that God isn’t done with us yet. What is my hope?… my hope is that no one feels like they are walking through life alone, that the isolation that come with having a sick child or a child that has died will be wiped away, that I will be able to touch someone and help them when it appears that life is too hard for them. My goal is to be a great mother, wife and family member.

2012 is going to be different for us… totally relying on God, being good friends, loving on those that need us to and allowing others to love on us

2011-12-29T15:48:00.004-05:00

So as 2011 comes to a close I have realized that as I flip things to a new calendar that there will be never ever be another year like 2011. Now in some respects this is good… no 95 days in the hospital/PICU/TICU, no 30 blood and plasma transfusions, no 33 line replacements, no 15 button replacements, no who knows how ever many x-rays, and no weights of a child struggling to maintain. There will be no marking the days that we are inpatient, no yellow highlighted appointments (yellow was Zach’s color for medical appointments), no green highlighted appointments (green was Zach’s color for therapy appointments). There will be no cheat sheet in the back that has all of the medical professionals that were Zach’s alone, no trying to put all the phone numbers on that one page.

There is also a huge sense of loss… more than just Zach dying. I have realized that I am missing roles that I never knew I had. … I believe that every parent has a number of roles that we do, most of them are done without us even realizing it. However, as I was transferring birthdays and anniversaries into the new calendar I realized that if you take out all the hospitalizations, all the weights, all the notes that had to do with mito, I don’t have much left. I lost the roles of being the scheduler, driver, nurse, and mom. I lost the ability to brag on a weight gain of 2 oz, something that to the normal person means nothing. There will be no birthdays with weights under them. Things that no one understands and that while I can’t explain it either my heart hurts.

So what do I want you to know by reading this… don’t take the little things for granted. While the frustrations of being the driving, psychologist, chef, etc can get to us at times not having those roles can be far worse. It is a lot of work to do all the things that we do for our loved ones. If you have them all ripped away (even knowing that you one day would lose them) it is a huge sense of loss and even of being worthless. Love all those that are near you and love all that you are given, they are huge blessings no matter who much work. If I had known during Zach's life what I know now... I would have loved more, hugged more, and been more willing. I am realizing now how much I miss him.

long time no type!

2011-12-28T15:46:00.000-05:00

I have had this opened for a while; it Is like every word that I had left my body as we celebrated the birth of my Savior. I still feel like there is nothing that I can write at this point that anyone would want to read. The 1^st thing that I want to do with this post is to recap a little about our wonderful Christmas.

Christmas Eve we started a new tradition… Adam, Aden and I went to candlelight service, this isn’t new to us. But it is the 1^st year that Aden went with us and actually understood what was going on. He stood and sung with us, then he sat down with us and while the pastor was speaking Aden snuggled up to daddy and went to sleep. It was by far the most comforting thing. If you can’t sleep at church as a child what can you do? He slept through the communion and it was heartwarming to know that he is that comfortable at church that he sung and worshipped with us but also went to sleep. After communion, service, and singing we left and went to Adam’s parents. We went to our 2^nd home, when we got there, we found out that Adam’s brother was there and we were able to all sit down together for Christmas Eve Dinner. This is our new tradition (or at least one of many we hope) to go to The Moody’s house and enjoy dinner together we enjoyed a dinner of Roast, Rice, and Okra after we ate we read the “a tale of 3 trees” and “The Crippled Lamb). After we visited for a while we headed home and turned in for the night.

Christmas morning came and Adam and I watched Aden opened his Santa presents; we made sausage cheese balls and pigs in the blankets. We got things ready for the moody’s to come over. Once again we were surrounded by our whole family again. We had all the moody’s over and we had an AMAZING time opening some gifts, before we knew it, we got ready for Church. All the males had new clothes to wear, Mom had an outfit she got for her retirement and I wore a dress for a benefit that we were part of. I was singing with praise team and took a second to just thing that this wasn’t just any Sunday this was Christmas Morning. So we were ALL dressed up, I mean really dressed up. I am glad though, I was totally honored to be going to church on Christmas Morning. We came back did lunch finished opening presents and went to Adam’s family for Christmas Dinner. We had a great time.

The day after Christmas we got up went to breakfast with the Moody’s and headed out to Zach’s grave, this was something that we wanted to do Christmas but with how bad it was raining and how cold it was, we decided as a family to wait till the next day. We got there and it was still really COLD but it wasn’t raining, we were able to stand outside at least. I put the new flowers at the grave: silver and white poinsettias with a copper butterfly. Mamaw got a plaque that we placed at the grave and we placed heart shaped tea lights at the grave as well. At that point we prayed for a bit, hugged and cried and went on with our day. We know that Zach isn’t there; we know that he is playing in heaven enjoying all the things that he couldn’t do here on earth. We went to my Aunts house and got to have almost all of my family in one place at one table… My Aunt Peggy, Uncle Joe, Michael, Steph, Aunt Diane, Aden, Adam and Myself. We had a dinner we enjoyed Steak and potatoes together and talking. We played games, went on tractor rides, shot things out of the air gun. We had a great time, honored to get to do things together as a family. Thankful that we got to get together and that we get along well enough.

His 4^th birthday, The 1^st day of school, Birthdays of his Papaw, Dad, Mom, Brother and Mamaw, Thanksgiving and now Christmas… those are just the dates that I remember. Christmas is one of the BIGGEST family holidays for us… I can honestly say that we love our family, that our family loves each other. So how did Christmas really go? I mean I know that you are wondering how we made it? If we cried? Screamed? Or what. So the honest truth is that it was different, good but different. We missed Zach, I know that I missed Zach; I missed his hug, his love and his joy. He knew how to be happy with all that he had and even more happy with what he didn’t have. We had our sad moments, the moments that we all cried. I know that we were a little clueless; however, I can honestly say that God picked us up and protected us. We had a couple of friends that blessed us with either shipping items to us, sending a gift card, or just encouraging me by sending money. One person sent me a check which was the reason Christmas Cards got sent, with all going on, I was having trouble with it all. I mean a Christmas card with 3 people just doesn’t feel right but I believe that the ones that got sent out where beautiful. She told me that it would all be okay, no matter what I decided, that it would all be okay. I believe that we are going to be trying to figuring out what our normal is for a while but I am thankful that Zach is safe and wonderful. What would I do for another hug and to hear his voice? A lot but I don't wish him being Sick and being here on Earth. I hope Zach is looking down, smiling at me and saving me a bunch of hugs.

Christmas Eve

2011-12-24T23:12:00.002-05:00

The boys are asleep; Santa has come and gone, He ate a cutie and left a note. Christmas Eve is coming to a close… I am left sitting here trying to wind down before all of the things that we are doing tomorrow.

We took tonight to do a few things that we wanted to do, we went to candlelight service, we had a great time listening to music and doing communion. Aden fell asleep during the service snuggled up to daddy. Then we went and had dinner at Adam’s parents, it was nice to have all of us (Mr. Moody, Mrs. Moody, Al, Adam, Aden and myself) under one roof. We took the time to eat dinner tonight together and be together sharing some of our traditions with Adam’s parents. The reading of “the 3 trees” and “The Crippled Lamb”, both stories that we read every year but that they had never heard. We came home and we put on our Christmas PJ, I have to say that I am very excited about them. We allowed Aden to open his 1 Christmas eve present… he was stoked and we played until he was sent to bed. However before he made it to bed, he tracked santa online. Then Aden thought that Santa might be hungry so he left Santa a Cutie (which is a type of orange), he put it in a bowl and left it for him.

All this to lead up to Christmas morning… presents, family, sausage cheese balls and wrapping paper being thrown at us. Merry Christmas to all who may read this blog, there has been hard times and there are good times too. For this I stand strong and hold on… thankful that I have people that will hold my hand.

Tomorrow

2011-12-23T21:55:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve!!! Christmas EVE!!!!!!! In fact as I type this one of my friends is already into Christmas Eve day. I can’t believe it. I have learned something this year… Santa uses more than Reindeer these days. He uses the internet, he uses FEDEX, he uses USPS, and he uses… well you get my point. By the way, I learned something in typing that sentence that I didn’t know how to spell reindeer. I have no words on how to say Thank you to those.

I have also learned something else this year and it is something that I don’t know how to explain… but I am missing my champion gift picker. Zach had this AWESOME ability to pick exactly what we needed. He found and picked necklaces for his Mamaw. I haven’t even seen them this year. He picked the right size shirt that Adam needed, he would reach out and pick a shirt and it would magically be the right size. How did he do that? I mean really, it has brought tears to my eyes on more than one occasion and in more than one location.

So we will continue with some traditions as tomorrow is Christmas Eve…. I can’t wait. Some of the traditions are new and some are old. We are going to be eating at Cracker Barrel, going to Candle light service, visiting a grave, having church on Christmas, and opening presents. Oh I can’t forget eating… there is so much ham and hash brown casserole, haystacks, chocolate yes lots and lots more. I am thankful that Christmas isn’t about the gifts but about Jesus being born. I am thankful that for us Christmas is about family and about doing things together. I am honored that I have a God that loves me so much that I have family and that I have experiences in my life that have shown me that it isn’t about the things.

Last year we had to make Christmas at the hospital, yes I know that sounds wrong but it is what I meant. We found out on the 23^rd that we were going to be at the hospital for Christmas, we got a little tree, dressed it up. We went to the dollar store and got wrapping paper and all the decorations we could pull off the shelves… we wrapped the pictures in wrapping paper with huge bows on it. We hung santas up and we did all we can…. We owned it. When Christmas Day rolled around, Aden, Zach, Adam and I woke up at the hospital, Santa arrived and left presents. The moody’s came with a huge spread of food… I mean everything and we set up a buffet in Zach’s room. We made the best of it, Christmas isn’t about a place it is about what you believe and who you are with. We know that Jesus was born and we know that we are blessed with family and friends that care.

Tonight I want to end with you the sentiment of the ornament that we presented to the Moody’s…

I’ll be home for Christmas

And one day so will you.

The angels are waiting and

I’ll be waiting too!!!

To my family: Adam, I am honored beyond words, know that I am here ALWAYS. Aden, I am so proud of you and can hardly believe how big you are. You are AMAZING!!!! Zachary, I love you and I am so honored that I am your mom!!! You taught me what Christmas is all about. I am honored and thankful, please save me a hug or two and maybe a cupcake!! The Moody's, I love yall and I am thankful that you consider me to be yalls. I don't know what I would do without yall. Thank you isn't enough but I will continue to say it! To my friends, you know who I am talking about... thank you for hanging with me and walking this road with me. I love yall and am thankful for yall

Thursday night

2011-12-22T17:48:00.000-05:00

The one night that we don’t have plans… 2 days till Christmas!!! Really 2 days, that is it!!! WOW, time has flown by, it hasn’t all been easy but it is something that I can honestly say was different than I expected. How can time stand still but be racing by at the same time?

Today I did something that I have never done before I drove 45 mins to a store to let Aden play with friends and to have a moment where I got to converse, oh forget it we chit chatted, with friends. It is the 1^st time since Zach died that I have done something with Aden and other little ones. It was nice to know that the friends that Aden developed and the ones that I developed that they didn’t all go away. Aden had a blast running around and being with other children, this seems to be a common thread. That we are able to sit and chat, honestly about nothing, to just have a time where children can be just that and we can all have a good time. It was tiring but fine.

Then I came home to a letter, one that I had been expecting but until I opened it and read the words, I didn’t realize what God was doing. This letter had some money for us to do the things that we needed to for Christmas, so with it I went and printed out 65 Christmas cards. Okay let me stop at Christmas Cards for a moment… I did 65 cards and that just includes Family and Church, that is no pumpkin mommas or anything so I guess I have to go get more printed, I didn’t realize that 65 wouldn’t be enough. No idea if they will get to people before Christmas or not but because of this letter Christmas Cards got done. Okay back to the card, I have to say that I have some of the sweetest people that care about us. It is hard because it has been 6 months, many have forgotten all the things that have gone on or are happening. They are no longer calling, emailing, stopping by or anything so to get this letter and to realize that a church many miles away is still praying for and thinking of us means more than I can type. Thank you for the cards and for the Christmas morning and dinner groceries, it means a lot to me and I deeply appreciate it. Oh and by the way, I will make a trip to starbucks and I will think of you!

So am I ready for Christmas NO, I am not! However, I realize that I am not going to get everything done and there is no way to get it all done. There are many more cards to be written, clothes to be bought, presents to be bought and wrapped, much to be cooked and cleaned and places to go. However, my Brain is tired out.. I miss some of the things from last year; I miss some of the people, some of the groups. However there is still candle light service, Christmas breakfast, visiting Zach’s grave, being with family, going to church and singing and going to be with family. The Christmas Season is busy and for a night that we have nothing planned and that the weather is bad what to do we do… promptly make plans to go eat Chinese and to spend some time just the 3 of us. To come home and to rest in knowing that throughout all the hustle and bustle, all the hurt and pain, all the fun and laughter, God is still in control, this is still about a baby that was born to a virgin mom, who died on the cross taking all my sins, and that was raised from the dead on the 3^rd day. It is still all about a mom who watched her son be punished for something that He didn’t commit. It is still all about family and love, May you know how important you are!

2011-12-21T07:41:00.000-05:00

After a message to a friend yesterday I received some information that has made my heart rest a bit…

I had one friend that let me know that it isn’t just me that is overwhelmed; I don’t mean that rudely, she wasn’t rude but we were having more of a conversation about all the things going on. I don’t know a single person, married or single, with a child or without, working or not working, sick child or not…who isn’t overwhelmed. Being overwhelmed this season seems to be touching EVERYONE. It isn’t like it is just me, which I have to say made me feel 100% better about it. It is nice to know that people are so busy, so hectic, have so much to do that across the board people are having difficulty with feeling overwhelmed. I hate feeling that way but I know that the Christmas season is hectic anyway!

The other thing that has helped me tremendously is that I had a friend write something to let me know that they were praying for me and for all the pain of this season. Everyone talking about Jesus’ birth, after all for a Christian it is the most important thing. However, she took a sec to remind me that this isn’t just a season about Jesus but about what He did and about who was impacted. The comfort that is in my heart now is amazing. Mary had Jesus. Can you imagine her heart? She knew that she had never touched Joseph and yet she was pregnant. She knew that Joseph could disown her and that the one that she loved could say no, he didn’t accept her anymore. I am sure that she was nervous about traveling and about seeing people. Could you imagine what people were talking about and what they were saying?

Then there is also the story that helped soothe my soul, Mary and Joseph raised Jesus. They loved Him, they clothed Him, they even lost Him (They left Him in the temple and can come back to get Him, they found Jesus talking to the priest). I am sure that they worried about Him getting hurt and about all the things that parents worry about. Jesus was perfect but I am sure that Mary worried over Him, I am sure that He got sick. She saw Him suffer and she saw her son die. This is something I had never thought about. We often say at our church that you can’t celebrate Jesus’ birth without realizing that with that birth came Jesus’ death as well. He came to earth knowing that that He would die. I was reminded that Mary had to celebrate Jesus’ birth and His death as well. She was a mom hurting because she poured her life into her son.

I know that it is something totally different than us and Zach but it helps soothe me a little to know that I am not the only one that hurts because I had my son die. See I know that I didn’t lose Zach, I know where he is, he isn’t with me, I didn’t leave him somewhere , He is with God enjoying all the awesome things of Heaven. See I know that this season is like no others, I am struggling to make it work and to help all the pain that is in my heart. Even with knowing that Zach is in heaven and that he isn’t hurting or suffering anymore, I still miss him and this is still hard. However, I am reminded it is all okay! I will be okay! I wouldn’t not have all the experiences I feel pretty blessed.

Why is it that when something isn’t quite going right everything else messes up too?

2011-12-20T14:20:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to finish up Christmas things; I need to shop, finishing making plans together with family, wrap things. For me I still need to do Christmas cards, it is just so hard looking at that picture knowing that part of our family isn’t here with us this year. Makes me wonder if they celebrate Christmas in Heaven, I mean think about it, if in Heaven we are continuously praising God, do they take the time out to celebrate Jesus’ birth. I wonder if they have an AWESOME spread of food and they enjoy it all day long. I wonder what Zach’s favorite food would be if he could eat it all. Would he like the bacon the best still or will he love a few of the others and come with a new best. Are there different foods there? What are the new traditions that he has, I mean I know he is with my mom so that is new for him, but what else is Zach doing? Is he helping decorate Heaven? Okay I know that I have lost it.

I wanted to come home from lunch today and make some ornaments, I was thinking about doing salt dough ones, I am worried that loved ones are going to get too many ornaments and they are going to be overwhelmed. However, before I really think about it too long or hard, I realized that Aden has an appt this afternoon which means that doing a project today is off. Maybe tomorrow, I guess we need more of a project than making sure all the trash makes it to the curb (you know we need all the trash room we can get since Christmas is coming up). However with the rain and the tears I think that sitting and staring into the tree is what I am going to do.

I have no idea what I am doing or how I am doing it, all I pray is that I am a good friend and that I make it through the next week or so. My heart hurts and all the little things going wrong feel like daggers.

2011-12-19T12:09:00.001-05:00

Christmas time is officially here for my household…

-Aden is out of school. I had my 1^st room mom experience. We made crafts, made an ornament, played games, ate, and went outside. I don’t know how I did but I had a great time. Aden seemed to enjoy it as well.

-I mailed a package overseas, for the 2^nd year in a row, we packed a box and mailed it overseas, I was thankful when I was told that it would still make it before Christmas.

-We went shopping, this year we started a new tradition, the boys went out and the girls went out. So this meant that Adam, Aden and papaw went out and then Mom (Adam’s mom, to not confuse others) and myself went. It was great.

I am not sure what this week is going to hold but I know that it is busy…. I still need to get cards out. I am beginning to think that those that told me that they won’t be Christmas cards but will be New Year’s cards might be right. I still have some shopping to do, shopping for some people that are very important in my life but that I just don’t know what to do and what to get. It is the little things that I am clueless on.

However, I am thankful for a lot… for family, for friends, for a Godly church, for a friend whose house burnt down this year that she is back in it now, for a friend who was in a horrible car accident but survived. Yes a number of things to be thankful for

2011-12-16T15:33:00.001-05:00

This is a post like no other; it is a note to say how much I appreciate you! Now I know that there are many different people reading this and ones that I know in real life and ones that I know from being on line. I want to say Thank you in public.

See for the past year, 2011, I can honestly say without people in my life I wouldn’t have made it. The love, the support, the laughter, and the tears. I haven’t been the only one hurting but we have learned we aren’t in this alone, ARE WE??? NOPE we aren’t! All together we get to take the things that God has given us and we get to walk forward taking it each step at a time.

I have had a friend get really upset with me, well not upset but no longer willing to listen to me whine, NOW, I will admit it hurt and still hurts deeply. I miss talking to her daily; I miss her mom advice and her love. I am hesitant to say a prayer request or to let her know about the bumps in my life, but you know what I am the most thankful for, that she cares. She stood up and reminded me that there are GOOD things, even when you are in the valley; too look at them and to pay attention to those things as well. I pray for her and I am thankful for here still, because she is a Godly woman who stood up to tell me that if I don’t look for the good I will never see the good. Got it, Looking and rejoicing over the little things because there are so many. I pray that in 2012, we can become close again. I miss you and miss the mom like love you gave me and the Godly influence you have.

I have had several friends that have allowed me to chit chat with them LATE at night, when most of the world is sleeping I am often trying to get my brain to stop long enough for sleep to come. Friends that through the distance have loved on me and helped me make it through hospitalizations, illnesses, tears, hurts and well everything. I am thankful that I have had them and they are wonderful. Friends that have helped with birthdays, Christmas and other items to make things more bearable for us. They have helped us with all the little things that they thought were important and guess what they are important. I have had diet coke show up, cupcakes and cookies show up, and other things that are slipping my mind at the moment. I have had texts and private messages that have encouraged me and books sent in the mail. I have been told that I can more than at some points I thought that I could, they were the people filling me up when all I wanted to do was stop and lose it. Thank you for the encouragement

I can honestly say that I am blessed with wonderful family. Adam, who I love dearly and who I would walk the world for. Aden, who is amazing and surprises me daily. Zach who is blessed enough to be playing with my mother in Heaven. In laws, which as my one put it recently are me in loves, they love me and my family and I am never alone with them, they check on me daily and they make sure that I know that I don’t have to do this alone and that when I am at my weakest they have been able to step in without me asking and love on me in a way that I can’t express.. A number of Aunts, who email, im, text and keep up with us no matter how busy we are, some of them have accepted me as theirs, which is the best feeling ever!!!! I am thankful for family that CARES and who loves on me

The take home, I so could write forever, saying THANK YOU for everything. I have had a rough year but I have had a great year too. I have been blessed beyond what I could have ever hoped or imagined. I am praying that you know how much you mean to me and that I am praying that you have a great 2012. Things may get hard but you are never alone. May you know that you matter!

Not alone

2011-12-15T08:52:00.003-05:00

So bare with me I am typing this on the iPad but I feel so strongly about during this season and particularly today to do this.

In life it comes to a place for all of us, granted for very different reasons, that we feel very alone. When we sit down and look at the pile of clothes, the bills on the table, the screaming child and we wonder... Am I the only one???

I have learned that it isn't just knowing that there are others out there it is knowing that you have people that care enough to step out with you. The person that is willing to love on you when the rest of the world judges. Be honest we have all judged someone for something that we don't know the full story about. We have all been the person wondering why there is a little boy wearing bright red rain boots in the middle of sunny 100 degree weather. We have all been guilty of wondering why that 6 year old is still in pull ups. However, we never stop to know the full story.

If we are all guilty of all these thoughts why is it we think we are alone when it comes to hurting, struggling and dealing with all the emotions of this world. For several years we dealt with Zach's illness on our own, we didn't want to be looked at as complaining or whatever. Those years were hard, they were devestating to me as a mom, wife and friend. I couldnt do it because i was sucked into the I am the only one theory. You know that thought, no one will be able to understand or be able to help or better yet the if they knew... You fill in the blank, then they would not like me anymore or would be disappointed in me.

Now I am gong to say this, get in touch with me and yell at me if you want to, but YOU.. The person reading this are not the only one. You can do this, you do have people that love you and care. The situation that you are going through isnt something that has to break you, it can make you stronger. Please let us help, let us love on you. Please know this is me too, I am trying hard to find the good, to feel like I am not alone, to know that I matter. I am struggling with my verbal words again, I am struggling with emotions that I don't want anyone to know but on the same hand this time I know that I am not alone. Will you Believe that you aren't alone either

6 months and not a word to say…

2011-12-14T14:40:00.000-05:00

Well okay I lied; there are lots of words to say...

There is hope, I can see that Zach is better off, he is healed and doing better. I can see us as a family doing things again. Laughing again, playing again, making changes

There is joy, we are learning to laugh again and to count all the little things too, and we have gotten to enjoy the lights and the Christmas things. A month ago, I don’t think that I would have been able to do; I believe that I would have been so hurt and missing him so much that I couldn’t enjoy it. However, I have gained and been blessed by new friends and been continually blessed by old ones.

There is pain, not having him with us, hearing Aden miss his brother, not being able to sign a card correctly, and calling out the wrong name. However, there is reassurance that all is well, as the old hymn says, It is well with my soul. It is true, God gives that peace and right now through this year. I can say God has reached down and touched my heart. Yes there are tears and there is pain but there is so much good. So many wonderful blessing if I choose to look at them and choose them. I feel blessed

See I never in a million years thought that I would understand the pain and the hurt that I am going through right now, but you know what I do. Part of me working through all the emotions is to realize God had his son die to. There is not an emotion that I am feeling that He doesn’t understand. The pain, the hurt, the love, the joy… See I am learning all of it is a gift.

A gift, yes a gift, see I didn’t know or understand before Zach it meant to have a sick child, I took Aden for granted, I took my family for granted, I took the ability to do things for granted. Last night Adam and I watched a show and a family gave birth to a little baby with heart issues. What struck me and what God was reminding me is that we were blessed, why, this family walking through the hardest thing ever, had no family with them, no one to hold their hand, to reassure, to walk with or to cry on. We were blessed we had tons… Adam’s parents for one never left our sides and are still with us. We had family come to the hospital; we had friends come to the house to do the little things. We were NEVER alone; it was never just us fighting. We were and are blessed. Because of all the support I was able to stick by the thought that “Zach had mito but mito didn’t have Zach” There were times that I doubted that BUT I felt and I knew that it was right, that is a gift. We are blessed by the gifts that others may not understand and I am praying that each day I can learn to focus on those good things.

Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts, Happy thoughts

2011-12-13T16:49:00.002-05:00

Well I hate to say it but that didn’t work, I had to try! Christmas magic… you know being able to get lost in the lights of the Christmas trees, to look and listen to children with the excitement of Santa and not knowing what is coming next, the excitement of teachers that they get weeks off, the excitement of seeing family and friends that you don’t see all the time, cooking huge meals and being with family or ones that you love while consuming it. For me I can stare into a Christmas tree for days, to look at the lights to enjoy the calmness of the twinkling that are set for a purpose. To sit and see the lights and the decoration on the tree and to know that there is a reason for each of the items, the twinkling colored lights because that is what the men in my life love.

This year that Christmas magic brought pain… not having Zach to help us put up the tree this year, having issues signing Christmas cards, unexpected bumps, missing my mom. I have tried for a week to do some cards (I need to do photo cards too!) but every time I go and I try to sign I totally mess it up. That pain because frustration and that frustration becomes ANGER, now before you say but you don’t have to do them this year, I know that I don’t but, I want to… they might not get out before Christmas but I want to do them. Missing the things that we were part of because of Zach… the HOPE HOUSE PARTY, the Speedway Charities, FOCUS/Lekotek party, well you get the point. Things are different this year.

This year that Christmas magic brought frustration… not knowing what to say and what to do, how do I make myself be okay, not knowing how to fit into the mold that many think that I should fit into. I know, well I have realized that this isn’t something that is in my hands, If it was then all the negatives wouldn’t be there, they would be positives. I can’t even put words all the frustrations that are in my brain right now.

This year that Christmas magic brought a whirlwind of emotions, ready for this, hold on…. Pain, Hope, fear, love, joy, hurt, sadness, grief, isolation, unbelief, anguish, shock, guilt. I am not going to explain all of these emotions because they are personal and ones that come and go just like the twinkling of the lights off that Christmas tree

A bit of honesty

2011-12-12T07:23:00.000-05:00

During the Christmas Season something happens, I am not sure why or how but it does. People expect you to be happy and to have things together. People expect you to not talk about the negative things that have happened or to struggle. However, the honest truth is that the holiday season is stressful. I am sure that Mary, when she became pregnant with Jesus was scared and didn’t know what to do or say. I am sure that she knew that she couldn't tell anyone with out people judging her and wondering what in the world she was hiding. Even, Jesus asked for this to be taken from Him, He prayed this while in the garden, He knew that the only way to truely help us was to die for us. Now, what I am going through is nothing like either of the two things, they are simply reminders that I am not alone. It gets overwhelming.

I’m not sure what I can say or do but I want to be honest and tell you that this holiday season, while Christmas is still part of it being happy all the time or being okay all the time isn’t going to happen for me. Please don’t make those that you love feel like they have to be, please just hug on them and love on them and love them. I spent a huge portion of the day at church trying not to totally bust out into tears and totally lose it. I was very careful not to just do that because I know that there are plenty that feel like this is time to celebrate and so I need to be okay. I know that I am very blessed to have Adam and his family. I am very blessed to have them love me and pull up beside me and help me walk this path, so I am not alone in it. However, the truth is that it is still hard and due to Zach’s death and when the anniversary falls it is a struggle for me. Before you tell me but it is okay to lose it and it is okay to cry and to hurt and to not be okay, I know that but it doesn’t help while you are going through it.

In two days, it will be Zach’s 6 month death date. How in the world am I supposed to be okay with that? Well I will tell you I am not, I hurt. It had turned my world upside down and so when other tasks, little bumps, or big bumps come into my life it sends me into a spiral that I can’t always control. Sometimes I am able to say this is okay I got this and then other times it sends me into wondering how in the world? Am I going to do this and stay okay? All of this during the holiday stress of parties, appointments, and all the other things of Christmas.

The pressure that I put on me is a lot, but I have to say everyone else has pressure for me to. They want to see Jen Smiling or laughing or able to get those 2-4 year old hugs. My hope is that people realize that I am still learning my new role, we have had a ton of change in our family, in our life and God isn’t done yet. I have a feeling that He is just started. Just so you know I don’t wish for Zach back, Yes, I would love to have him in my arms one more time, I would love for him to play with Aden so he can have that experience one more time…. However, Zach is perfect and has the audience of the ultimate King.

So what do I want… to not have to explain myself, to know that no matter the emotions they are okay, to have kind, soft, loving voices to help me along the way. We (I) am never alone in our lives, we have people to love on us and that are willing to do the small things that will help us. We are striving to let others know that they are never alone either

Tis the Season….

2011-12-06T07:28:00.003-05:00

· To be tired. It seems like during this season we always have something to do. I can’t figure out how it happens, it just magically because packed with lots of things. Christmas parties, trips, shopping and much much more. All of those Christmas and Holiday events are in addition to the normal things I am learning that in the past we have just done way to much… that is just way that it is too much stuff to do during this time.

· To be stressed Along with the tired is stressed being worried about what to do, when to do it, and how to do it? What to buy for whom? In our household it is also stressful because there is a whole class of emotions that we don’t know how to deal and there is a sense of people not being sure of what to say and do. There are hives, headaches and aches in general, there is trouble sleeping and settling down and no way to say what is causing it

· To be happy. This is the season that we (Christians) celebrate the birth, we are able to rejoice with all the things that have occurred we count our blessings and in many cases we try to share with others. Society just wants us to be happy and to be good during this time of year. To have that Christmas Joy. What I am learning is that happy all the time is not possible, it is not possible esp for me this year. I can’t help it and I can’t change it and I earned it. Now I am sorry to say that but I don’t want to hear another person tell me, just deal with it and be happy, that I still have a lot to be happy about. I spent 4 years caring for someone that is not here, this is the year of the 1^st so deal with it I will, be happy all the time I will not. I will not change who I am because it makes someone uncomfy. Here is where I say, like I do to Aden, tough cookies, deal with it. I am happy, I have my tree up, I have my shopping started, I have my stockings up, I have my Christmas cards going across my mantel. I am not stuck in being unhappy; just have an occasional sadness that I can’t stop. It is okay love on me, support me and remind me that I am not alone because as quickly as that upsetness came is as fast as it will go away

· To be with family. For me this is something that I can’t explain, I have a ton of joy that I am with people that I love but it also causes me to miss people. Not just Zach, although I miss him greatly but others. I just have this deep sense of loss, not that I have lost them but because life is busy, jobs and school sometimes get in the way of being able to chat, get together and love on each other. I have some people that I miss so much that when I get to talk to them I don’t know what to say, I don’t want to complain or be a pain, I just want to chat and feel the love that I know is there but I have to be reminded of.

· To be loved I am not really sure how this works but the Holiday Season (Thanksgiving and Christmas) is known for being hard emotionally for lots of people and tend to feel very isolating. I am learning this again 1^st hand. It is like all the things that we once knew, the traditions that we did are all hard and don’t feel just right. So for me, every since my mother died, I have tried to make sure that during the Christmas season I make an effort to love on and included EVERYONE. Sometimes it is hard because I want to be by myself but to be loved. I realize how badly, especially right now, it is needed to be loved. To feel isolated and alone all time even when there are tons of people around you, to feel love helps during this time.

See if you are reading this you know, well I think so anyway, that I know that everything works to the benefit of those that believe in Christ, it doesn’t erase the bad or hurtful things, trust me I have plenty. It does however, help us keep our focus and realize that we aren’t the only ones. That we are here to be good family, a good friend, to be a kind stranger, that we are here to love on those that are near us and to be there with whomever needs it. Christmas, well this Christmas season, has been nothing like I expected it to be and nothing like it was I am called to love more, hug more, and be more than I have ever in the past and while I am doing that I am praying that I can make it through this season with love, joy, happiness and the most important of all HOPE.

love

2011-12-05T07:22:00.002-05:00

So If I follow the blog that I wrote the other day this one should be on LOVE.

Love is one of those things that you can write days about… We all want to be loved. We all use the word to express how much people mean to us. We all use it in different levels, we love the meal, we love the song, we love the outfit or it can be we love our children, we love our spouse, and we love our family. Those to loves can be very different.

One of the biggest things that we have learned is that LOVE isn’t something that you talk about it is something that you do. Meaning, if you love someone you respect them, desire to help them and you care about them. It is one of those things that you don’t know how to express that love to a person, mostly because each person is different. You express your love to your spouse different than a friend. You express your love to your best friend differently than someone that you just met.

Love is the ability or desire to make sure that the other person feels cared about, helped, and not alone. This is just my definition. Now to define each of those sections in a way, when you have someone that cares about you feel like you aren’t alone. You feel like you can walk through the challenges at least attempting to make it. Family does this but so does friends… I have a friend well I should say friends that I know they love me; you know how I know that? They are up at odd hours and are willing to chat with me; they send me texts and emails. They will let me fall asleep on them, when I am talking to them late at night and I fall asleep on them, they just say Good night, we will chat in the am. They send me cards and thoughts at times that only can be God meant, when I needed or need them the most. Several of them get mad when I don’t reach out to them when I need help, I am still learning. I love when I can be the one to share my love and help but I am still not very good with asking for help. My desire is that I will be the one that others call out to. To be the one to share the love when they need it the most.

This is probably why it hurts so much when things happen when without warning a friend moves, an action or lack of an action taken wrong, or a word being mistook. It is one of those things we try to hard not to have happen but it does our actions or our words or lack of makes someone angry. This is why love needs to not just be a verbal thing but an action thing. You can put others first you can love on them you can allow them to be who they are. You can make sure that they know that they aren’t alone, even when you can’t make it or be with them. You can decide that they matter. You can choose to do something for them even when they aren’t strong enough to ask

Family

2011-12-03T22:37:00.002-05:00

So yesterday it was joy, today it is family. I have learned that family is one of the things that can be described in many ways. Many say Family is only those that are genetically related to you, then the change that theory to believe that you can adopt in but it is a long drawn out process and that is hard to do. Some don’t believe in family only that they are part of the team that helps them do things that they need to do. I have learned over many years that family is what you make it.

I am blessed… I have a family that I married into. I have the family that has been given to me by God. I have the family that has been with me for many years and then I have had those that I have been blessed with from life experiences.

I have several friends that I have was blessed with as a child, we went through school together and some of the things that we are going through. I have several friends that I have only had for the past hmmm 5 years but they are so important to me. I have friends that I feel care about me enough to let me ask them mom questions. I have friends that care enough for me to tell me what I need to hear not just want I want to hear.

I have friends, well whole families that I have gotten to know because of instances that many would want to change. Many that I ask about and talk to every day, some of the multiple times a day. To spent events with them, to pray for them as they go through challenging times, to literally help them have a good time doing laser tag. To miss them when they aren’t there or when you can’t talk to them often. To hate that they are multiple states away, to cry when you can’t help. To stand up and encourage, to LOVE.

Family is what you make it… it is those that care about, love one, help, and encourage. I am thankful for all those that will help me and that love me that are part of my family. I am thankful to know that I am never alone and that I don’t have to do it alone.

2011-12-02T16:29:00.001-05:00

I don’t even know what to write… really I don’t.

This week as been super emotional for me and a week that I have had to really keep things in check and have had to remind myself that things are going to be okay. That I am not walking this journey by myself, That God doesn’t let me go through all this and not help me through it. I am struggling with it though… let’s see if I can open a little window and let you see a bit.

Many of those that know me know that I am a believer, that I have a relationship in Jesus Christ. In saying that it is one of those things that I have a hard separating… I have to believe that everything that I go through is for His glory. Now in saying this… oh my, this week has been so up and down that I can’t get recovered from one thing before I get hit with another. You want to hear the sad thing I can’t tell you what in the world it is all about just the ups and downs of being a mom multiplied by having a son who went to be with Jesus. I have cried, I have laughed, I have rejoiced, I have wanted to give up and with all of it I am reminded that this season is about joy, family, and love.

Joy… Last year during this time Adam taught our Sunday school about JOY, the way that we often teach children about relationships. JOY: JESUS, OTHERS, and YOURSELF Now for when Adam taught the adults in our Sunday School class it meant something that is simple… put others first, treat others like you want to be treated, go the extra mile and do it all with Jesus’ love. Now I am thinking about it more and more.

· Jesus, well that is simple, Jesus, can do all and is always with us. He is 1^st in my life, sometimes it is hard to keep Him there but I try to.

· Others, well this one for me is much, much harder. There are times when I get angry at the person who makes a stupid comment, who decides that I did something with the intent of hurting when it was far from the truth so what I am learning is that I need to remember we all see things differently. I am in a position that not everyone is in. I have had a son die, a little boy die, one that I met, loved on, played with and took care of. He is now in heaven and perfect. People don’t know what to say. They don’t know if laughing is okay, if they can say Zach’s name if they can be upset, if they can celebrate being pregnant (or even trying) and the birth of a child. Here are my thoughts on this… I am delighted to know everyone that I know. I want to be part of all that is going on. To be involved in a baby shower of a sister of choice (think lifelong friend) was one of the most inspirational and healing things. To have her family love on me, include me as family, to let me go hide, to hug on me… See she put me 1^st. Yes, she received gifts, she was showered with love, she was the guest of honor but she allowed me to be me. To be let into the story of a new job, first dates, etc . Someone I was talking to the other night told me something that I am trying to learn, I have to let people in. I have to allow people to know that I am hurting that I need to be loved on and that I need help doing certain things… hmmm that transparency thing that I am working on again

· You, this is something that I have an issue with doing, I struggle with asking for help, I don’t want to be the center of attention, even when it is something that I know that I need. I rather focus on everyone else and NOT me but since everyone is included in others…. Hmmm, I guess that means that I need to focus on me too.

So I am again sitting here thinking about JOY and what it means during this season. I am thankful for those that love on us… HONORED to the new friends that have blessed my family with items off our wish list. Honored that not only Aden was loved on but that Adam and I were loved on as well. Honored that I have people that I can say I need a hug or that I am hurting.

4 letter words…

2011-12-01T14:10:00.000-05:00

Okay yes, I will say it there are so many 4 letter words, come of them you know about and that we keep ourselves from saying then there are words that are 4 letters that we don’t think of but we say anyway… Here are just 4 of those words:

HATE: I hate things that are going on, I hate feeling that way, I hate these clothes, I hate… you get my point. We say it often when we are complaining and when we don’t want to do things. We sometimes say it in the heat of the moment to someone, when we don’t really mean it. Sometimes we hate things in our head even though we may never say it out loud. Sometimes it is something that is easy to hate, like I can easily say “I HATE MITO” it is a truth. There are other times when it runs through my mind that it isn’t truth but it is a statement that I shouldn’t ever express, because it will tear down and destroy. I want to lift up and help others not HATE them. I want to be the one to pray for, love on, and help. It is a little four letter word.

OVER: As in I am OVER it, Now this is one that I have had a hard time with lately, You know when you get so tired of dealing with something or with the bad things happening that you just lock yourself in the bathroom and scream out “I’M OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!” oh wait that is me! But you get my point. Sometimes that 4 letter word of OVER stops us and keeps us from doing all the things that we need to do. It can keep us from being the person that we need to be. I can honestly say that by going through all the situations that I have been through, all of the “I am OVER it” things that I am stronger person but not only that but I care more deeply and love more strongly than I did before. It is something that I don’t get but I do know that if I gave up because I was over it I wouldn’t be who I am now.

HELP: This is one that is super hard for me to put here, for me this is a 4 letter word as BAD as some ones that aren’t here on this blog. Admitting that you need help is the 1st step to sometimes getting help, to recovering, to healing and to loving. For me it is one of the hardest because I don’t want to admit that I have a problem, that I need something, that I hurt however, sometimes we need to. Asking for help is admitting that you can’t do it and that you need someone to pull beside you and be with you, to walk with you. To encourage and love on you even when sometimes you aren’t sure what is going on. I am striving to be transparent so this 4 letter word has become hard. I have to let those that love me and care about me help me. Lots of 4 letter words in that sentence! It is not a sign of weakness but instead it is a sign that you are strong enough to allow someone in who can make a difference.

LOVE: The one that we need to use all the time but we rarely use enough or in the right way, we say we love diet coke, we love this show, we love this song, and we love this shirt… is it the right way? What about the love we have for people? What about the love that drives us to be the best that we are, the best that we can be, to help in every feasible way. The love that will allow you to be the one that will stay up all night and talk because you can’t sleep, the one that will hold your hair when you are throwing up (not because they have to but because they care). That love is the love that will hold you and let you know that it is okay, something that we need to be reassured of often and sometimes in silly ways. When you love someone you put yourself out there for that person and are willing to put yourself aside for that person.

See for many of us we use the word HATE more than we use any other word. I will admit, lately I have been hating a lot, what happen to joy and to love, it got overtaken by hate and by being over things. I have stopped wanting to ask for help and to help others and I have stopped loving all things instead of just the few things that were okay by me. I have talked about being transparent and it is important because there are times that we are the only sense of HOPE that the person has. Sometimes I am the only God that they see are they going to see love and hope from me? What are they going to see when they look at you.

Heat

2011-11-30T00:07:00.005-05:00

I am not a person who seeks out heat. My husband however, will tell you in a heartbeat, he isn’t built for cold. 7 years ago, when Adam and I got married, I went and bought him this very large heating pad. He made fun of it, I mean it was Jen sized, not Adam sized but I knew how bad he got stomach issues, how often he got headaches, and how bad his feet hurt. So I bought the biggest on that I could that night not really realizing how big it was.

Well, we have had discussions lately about it not getting as warm and it taking forever to get warm, so in the back of my head I thought, I know that he doesn’t really want anything but this would be something that he appreciated for Christmas. I can do this, he would appreciate this. So…there you have it an idea for a wonderful man, to make his life better. Well I don’t like heat and tonight he threw it on me trying to get it out of the way it wasn’t hot at all, I was shocked and appalled, he needed it for his stomach and there wasn’t heat there to help him.

So I got redressed and at 11:25pm I went to walmart to get a new heating pad. Now standing there I had two options… 1. The new one that heats in 30 secs and was really soft and in red or 2. The King size one; you know the huge one like what I bought 7 years before. Well, 12 x24 is huge for a heating pad esp on a person that is 110 pounds on a bad day (or wait is that a good day). So I stood there with the Wal-Mart lady looking at me wondering what in the world was taking me so long. I decided to go with the King size one again. It had been so good for Adam and many times we needed the length we would wrap his feet in it and he could rest with it instead of struggling to keep it on him. So I bought it and came home. When Adam got it unwrapped and saw that it was a big one he smiled ear to ear… he was thankful for the long one.

All this to say tonight my husband is thankful for a heating pad and I am thankful that I can go to get the king one and that he could use it to sleep better. Thankful I am for heat and for my emergency run to the store. The only downfall I can't buy it for him for Christmas anymore

Words...

2011-11-28T20:52:00.002-05:00

When Zach got really sick for the last time, I felt the words of my heart leaving me, when Zach died I thought that I would never get my words back. I mean the words just aren’t there, how do you have a normal conversation when your heart is in pieces. For those that are reading this you might not understand this but when you are so upset and so worried do you find it easy to talk. If you are honest with yourself and with others you will get a taste of what I am trying to say… the words swirling in your head and in your heart. When Zach died, it was not only were the words swirling but they were racing so fast that I didn’t know what even start with.

A while after Zach died (the time so flows together so I don’t know exactly when), I was totally struggling with talking, I had a lifelong friend, a sister of our choice invited me to a baby shower. We knew that she was pregnant with a baby boy but we didn’t know a name at that time. In the craziness of family in her house, she and I were sitting on the sofa talking to each other, loving the time together that we don’t get nearly as often as we want or desire, she reached over took my hand and placed it on her belly. For the 1st time I understood what it felt like to feel a life, to have that jump of life be transferred to you something that we hear about but even more something that we can read a story in the Bible, When Jesus was still in the womb. Here am I with a friend and I am feeling her baby boy in her womb, I knew it was a boy, I just lost mine, it was awe inspiring to feel my words come back. Now I didn’t get them all back, but I felt some come back. This dear friend of mine who I count as a sister, allowed me to be that intimate with her to be part of that.

Several months later I decided to ask to start singing on stage again as part of the praise team at my church, for those that know me, you know that stepping off what hard but stepping on what hard as well. I didn’t know how I was supposed to help lead worship when I was struggling to hold it together. I emailed or texted the leader and instead of being shut down like I thought that I would, He told me to come on that I was welcomed back. So now I have been singing for roughly a month and I have to say there isn’t a moment that I don’t struggle…. Worshiping to me, singing to God, leading others is something that I hold very important but by being up there and being transparent: the tears, the laughter, the mistakes, the perfection… my words are being returned. They aren’t all back and I am often hit with a ton or racing thoughts and things that I can’t express, but I am learning it isn’t about the words it is about the heart, it is about being there, it is about caring. I wish I knew that all along.

I wish that I knew that it isn’t about being perfect nor doing it all, it is about caring and loving and being transparent. I wish I knew that it didn’t matter what you looked like or how much you fix it is about being there to help pick up the pieces.

2011-11-27T23:58:00.003-05:00

Many times today I broke into tears, no rhyme no reason. This is something that I am struggling with. I want to be a light to the world; I want people to see God through me. See I know that I can’t do this alone. I know that it isn’t by my strength, I know that there isn’t something I can stop either. I feel like I used to write this blog and it made sense, that people saw it and they gained hope from it or that they at least thought that it makes sense. Now I feel like I am clueless and that I can’t write a sentence that people like much less a whole post.

Thanksgiving… Thankful for family, love, money, jobs, health, safely to name a few of the things that we are thankful for. I am thankful to keep families together. I have to admit that I am so thankful that I don’t have to walk this life by myself. See I know that I am failing at this job, I hurt, I cry, you know what I totally LOSE it. I don’t know how things are so amazing and yet hurt so badly at the same time. I haven’t figured out what that means and what it means to be so surrounded by people and yet feel so isolated. So that leads me to the Christmas season, the birth of God’s son. I was talking to someone today and realized that last year we were at the hospital and two years ago we delivered presents to the hospital for Christmas. This year we are without Zach and we are without the whole hospital experience. How does that happen?

So in this case I am learning that things hurt and things are for a reason, I know that it is for the glory of God. So that leads me to now, struggling to realize that we are wonderfully made and made to rely to on others, to need others, to have to gain strength on others. For me I am realizing that I am so very thankful that I don’t do this alone.

The pain and the hurt from Zach’s death is surfacing time and time and time again, it is something that people don’t understand. They ask… why do I think about it so much? Why don’t I just feel better? Why don’t I just move on? My short answer, because the pain is something that unless you have been through it you don’t understand. I have realized that I don’t know how to do anything but take a step at a time. It is something that is rooted in everything that we do and yet I am being told to move on. I am being expected to be happy, to walk like nothing happened.

So let me tell you this… I love my son, I love my family and I am honored to be a Moody. I have an amazing husband who is caring and sensitive and wonderful. I have wonderful in laws who are willing to walk the world for us. I have wonderful friends both new and far, who text, email, chat, and call me to check on me. I have a church that is made up of wonderful people, God fearing people and that makes a God fearing church. I am thankful that God holds me in the palm of my hand and that He loves me that much

2011-11-25T22:36:00.002-05:00

Okay so how many times do I start this before we finish it… I started this and I was upset, so I stopped. I started this again because I was upset and Good happened so I stopped. I started this to give thanks but then started to hurt because of other things, so I stopped. I started this to say things sucked and then I realized that there is good and so I stopped. Please bear with me cause I have NO idea how to write anymore.

I have never realized how much things can go up and down, I heard it told to me that Children often grieve as a schizophrenic, meaning that they hurt one sec and literally in that same sec they are laughing and having a good time. It is one of these things that is super hard, I can’t explain it to people.

So the tree made it up, I honestly thought that it would be naked or undecorated for a bit, but to my surprise the tree got decorated. We cried through it, we tried to smile through it… but in reality we realized one thing. Things are harder than we thought they will be and we feel very isolated, lonely and misunderstood. I want to get a family ornament this year but are there 3 in our family or 4? How do we do an ornament for Aden? We get him one every year so when he gets older he will have a collection. I want to get something to honor Zach, to put on the tree every year and haven’t figure out what to get. I can’t even figure out where to go to get it. I still haven’t gotten things together to do pictures or even to figure out what we are going to. We are trying to figure out how to even think of all of this, it is so hard, we cried and cried and cried today

Holiday seasons are always special to us, we are family focused and it is even more so this year. I am learning some things are very difficult to know how they will hit you. In this case, I am learning things are very hard to know how it will hit us. Today was Zach’s favorite person’s birthday, his MaMaw. He loved her more than anyone. That hit me hard, none of us are getting hugs from Zach and we are trying hard.

So tears and laughter, pain, hurt and love we are going to walk this life. We know that everything that we are going through is for God’s glory, His grace is sufficient for me (for us). He loves us and we are walking this as a family, together so we are not alone. However, we are struggling feeling like it is a single battle that no one understands

already

2011-11-22T07:59:00.000-05:00

I have had a hard time trying to figure out what to write, I have written several things only to read and to stop again. Everyone has been posting and writing about what they are thankful for, and then there are the birthdays…. Oh my what a busy week this must have been at the hospital. I guess the saving grace that they aren’t born the same year.

I guess this is thanksgiving week, I am going to bold enough, honest enough to write some things:

Holidays are hard, not just because Zach isn’t here but for almost 4 years our normal has been one thing and challenged. It isn’t just that Zach isn’t here physically is it is that we can’t go see him that he isn’t in the hospital, that we aren’t making new traditions. Figuring out what we want to do, need to do, and can skip, to figure out what is really part of us and what is something that can change. There is some stress in that too… pictures, cards, gifts, meeting up. Stress in trying to be who we need to be and who that truely is? Stress on trying to figure out what is really going to happen and what we are going to do and what is the most important things.

Holidays are about loving and caring on people. This is so very important to us. Without people loving on us I can promise you that life would be far tougher. This is why our house is open and why we enjoy having people over…. We can be the hug that they need. We can be that safe place, that love!

Holidays have made my words sometimes not make sense, there are times when I feel like I can pour my heart out (either verbally or written) only to try to talk and not be able to. To say that I am okay would be a lie but yet, we are seriously asked that 500 times a day. I dont' know how I am.

I would guess to say the biggest thing I would like you to know is that during this time it seems really lonely and isolating. Yes we have family around us and friends but it is like nothing makes sense and we are struggling. It is a time of the year that is focused on family, well part of it is missing and it isn’t just at the hospital. It is like I am that child that keeps running back to mom just to make sure she is still there, touching base only to find that not only is mom busy and no longer able to fill that need that we have.

I am thankful to have a wonderful family who will love on me no matter what. I am thankful for friends that will text me no matter the time. I am thankful for my friend who lives a world away but is 12 hours ahead so I can talk to a wonderful Christian friend when I am struggling at night

2011-11-17T16:05:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here and have had a HARD time with things that I can’t explain…. We always joke about waiting up on the wrong side of the bed. Well today I have to admit that I woke up on the wrong side, the complaining side. I wasn’t mean to anyone but I was complaining about everything. I think that for me I am hurting since the holiday season is coming, I have no idea how to do this. It seems to be a resounding thread in my thoughts, I mean it is flying faster and faster, closer and closer and yet, I haven’t been able to piece it together.

So I am going to start by this. I am thankful for many things; I have so very many things to be thankful for…

· God, who listens to me and that, has blessed me beyond what I can imagine and with things that I can’t even begin to realize.

· Adam, my husband, who is walking this journey with me. There is no one else I rather walk with and be with through this all. When we can’t figure out what to say and what to do, we are here with each other.

· Aden, who keeps me on my toes and reminds me that things are amazing and wonderful

· My Mother in law and Father in law, who I have to admit that I would totally and completely claim. I couldn’t do this without them, I wouldn’t be able to. They are willing to do all the things that I don’t know how to do, they LOVE Aden with their whole heart and I am honored to be in their family.

· A HUGE group of friends that are walking with me, texting me, emailing me, iming me and I can THANKFUL, I couldn’t do it without them. They are helping me remember that I am not in this alone. I am thankful for all the ones that have helped me. I couldn’t do this without you.

How do you know what to do?

2011-11-16T15:56:00.002-05:00

There are several things that are the 1^st time we are going through things that I have no idea what to do…. We have made it past the “why did he die stage?” I know that people are going to ask that, although I have to admit there are times like today when I was at Scottish Rite with Aden that I am asked “where is your other son?” and I look at them and think “really, how do I tell you this?” to tell them that Zachary passed away June 14^th. Today it caused someone to bust out in tears, I didn’t mean for it to but it happened. So moments like that have happened a lot and they thankfully are becoming less and less

However, now we are beginning a whole new set of things… the HOLIDAYS! I have things that I am looking forward to, things that I know that I will be sad but want them to come and things that I know that I don’t want to happen because I don’t want to hurt in a way that I don’t know how to recover from. I am looking forward to having company for Thanksgiving again this year so I am looking forward to that, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving service, and to cooking but I am terrified about keeping it together. While I know that I don’t have to who likes to lose it in front of everybody, well let me answer that NOT me!

Then it is Christmas time I have been asked for a wish list which has been posted here several times (here it is again for those that want it again http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/29X9TFM02TWRT If you have questions or if I can help explain something please let me know) I look through things and I think Zach would like this, wonder if Zach can do that and it breaks me cause I realize that Zach well, he is enjoying Heaven doing things that I can’t even imagine, no earthly toy compares to it! I realize that things that we "WISH" for are things that can't be given all the time, I can't have Zach back, I can't fix all the emotions or everything that has happened. I realize that sometimes we would like and need things that people don't understand but they are so important to making things work.

I can’t wait to put the tree up, Zach loves the tree, Aden loves the tree and really I love the tree, it is a way to put your heart on display. Then I think about Christmas Cards, now if you know me you know that I love cards, I love to encourage and I love to send smiles through the mail… how do we do this? How do you take a family photo when one of you is missing? How do you schedule an appointment and make a family photograph when there is one that won’t be included? Who do you get to do it? The photographers that know your son or do you get someone else? How much money do you spend and more so how do you pay for it when your heart is still breaking? We haven’t figured this out yet. Then there are stockings… Aden has one with an A on it and we never could find on with a Z on it, last year we were given 2 matching stocking for the boys… Toy Story (BUZZ) because both of the boys especially Zach LOVED Buzz. We never got to use them. Do we hang that one up this year? Do we hang them all up? Do we fill them? What do we do?

Okay so you get the point it is the 16^th of November and my brain is racing with all of these things that I can’t control and that we are going to have to figure out. I am not sure that I am strong enough for this… I know that God is and I know that HE is always with me but I am struggling to figure out where to begin. Please don’t take any of it for granted, Treasure and honor those things that can never be replaced if they are taken from you.

Hard…

2011-11-15T14:57:00.002-05:00

Hard days, hard times, things that are not explainable. I feel like it is something that I can’t explain, but you know that all of us have been there. Where things have bothered us and we can’t love on those that we need to love on the way that we need to. In this case I have learned that it is often something that I can’t express,

So what do we do… In this case I have figured out that I don’t do anything, I wait. God’s timing is PERFECT and WONDERFUL, so here I sit! With my arms opened wide and my heart trying to relearn all the things that are being tossed at it. This is so important as life is changing and things are happening.

Aden is doing so well, he loves his new school and I am feeling quite blessed that he is there, he is doing well and loving to learn. He is able to eat there at school and it isn’t too hard on his stomach. He knows all of his classmates’ names; he should since there are only 5 others. He is learning other things like whose family had multiple children and all that. I got to do one of the projects with the children and I am delighted that he will get many more. He is starting to read and that is wonderful, there is nothing like hearing Aden read, it is amazing to me. Then on Friday we will get to have a thanksgiving feast and I am so so so excited about it. He is so excited to be learning and is constantly asking things. He is learning about God’s love as well.

So as hard as things have been we are learning there is a new normal, not sure what that will feel like or what it means but I know that God is there

5 months

2011-11-14T17:44:00.003-05:00

What do I say? 5 months, well it pretty much sucks, would you like to know why? Because in 5 months, I have changed my life radically, I have lost friends, I have changed, I have struggled to remember the good, I have grown, and I am now starting to laugh. In 5 months, my life is becoming something. I have gotten my voice back, singing once again. Now that I have my voice back I am struggling to articulate everything, which is frustrating. I have a job again, which is the 1^st time in not only 5 months but in the past 6.5 years. It is a new step.

I miss Zach in my arms, I miss hearing Aden and Zach playing and laughing. Zach’s death affects everyone, not just me but Adam and Aden as well. I am struggling to figure out how to set this aside and look at ALL of the GOOD. There is SO much good. I know that I am blessed and I know that my family is.

Thanksgiving is coming up and I am thinking about that. Thanksgiving is a FAMILY day and we are getting to be together celebrating, we will be one short but I am so nervous about it. Then Christmas, I have been asked a ton of times about all the things that are going on for Christmas. I don’t know what is going happen, all I want is to celebrate the good things, the family that we have and all of the things that we are blessed about. I get asked what Adam wants, what Aden wants, and what I want. I put together a list but I don’t know what all to put on it so in this case, for those that asked this is just a bit of ideas, I don’t expect, we don’t expect anything. I was told that by doing an Amazon list that it can be sent directly to us. So please feel free to ask me questions, we are learning as we go.

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wishlist/29X9TFM02TWRT/ref=cm_wl_act_vv?_encoding=UTF8&filter=all&sort=priority&layout=standard&visitor-view=1&reveal=unpurchased

All we know is that we miss Zach and that we are going to take this each step at a time. 5 months seems like forever, but we are encountering things that we have never faced before.

No words

2011-11-13T16:44:00.000-05:00

I was talking to a friend through Facebook the other night and I struggled to express myself to her. See tomorrow will be 5 months, it isn’t today but tomorrow but yet I am struggling today with tomorrow being 5 months, as I got dressed this morning to get ready for church today I looked and looked for a necklace that I thought that I had. Something to remind me that Zach was still with me. Something to help me know that my love for him is still okay, as I looked and looked and looked, I couldn’t find it. I don’t know if I imagined it or what but I was saddened. I looked in my earrings and found a pair of ruby hearts and put them in my ears. When I was pregnant with each of the boys I sung on praiseteam, today was my 3rd time back in well over a year, I think we figured it was close to two years. So as I was getting ready this morning I was hurting and wanting God to touch my heart, to be healed some as stood up on stage and worship, not only worship but lead. I kept wishing that I could find that necklace that I thought that I had. Something to represent my son? I am praying still that something will touch my heart and will fill that space.

I struggled to tell her my fears, my hurts, my dreams… but I also struggled to tell her my hopes and the good things. What I have learned is that there are times that I hurt and that it is all that I can feel. There are times when I think about the losses and I wonder, how do you take the bad things and let them not rule you? How do you express your love when you hurt? How do you be a friend? How do you open up and cry? The hurt is just so so real.

PLEASED TO SAY!!!!!!!!!!

2011-11-11T15:44:00.000-05:00

I am totally and utterly pleased to say that ALL of Aden’s blood work has come back, we are fairly confident that we aren’t dealing with mito, there is some chance that it is partially due to a metabolic issue but nothing that is life threatening or huge. The only thing that is really abnormal blood wise is his Vitamin D level, he has been on a supplement which is a huge dose but hopefully it is helping, we will have more blood work to see.
Aden’s GI issues are still rampant and often out of control. He cannot control his stooling and he is having pain. What the doctors are thinking that he is dealing with is something called an Abdominal Migraine. I only know about this because of Zach and because we know a few others that have to deal with it. The simplest way to explain it is that it is a migraine that is presented through the abdominal area. This would be like pain, bloating, nausea, vomiting, being pale, wanting to lie down and not wanting anything to touch his stomach. We have noticed things on and off but never said much, however, when addressing other issues one of Aden’s doctors and I started talking about it because it is becoming more apparent. He has started to request certain clothes to help, even sometimes asking to wear inappropriate clothes because of the comfort. In his case he prefers athletic or sweat pants, they are just the stretchy waist band and don’t apply the pressure in the middle of his stomach like the ones with buttons do. He often will come on and change immediately because he needs “a softer pair of pants/shorts”

This is something that while we hate it, it is OKAY~ It isn’t something that has a GOOD treatment but it is one that has some treatments to at least try, it is one that is often outgrown (or people learn to cope with well), the bad thing is that goes into migraines (headaches) however the good thing is that once we learn the patterns, symptoms and pains we can help him with these. He already gets migraines some and for our family that isn't a shock. Adam, Zach and I also all get Migraines. I had to give injections to myself at one more, Adam is on a preventative drug, and Zach took the only med that was on the market for his weight class.

The hardest thing for me is that I can’t seem to help much, the other thing is pull-ups and clothes and knowing what to do about them all. It is a grieving that I would have been able to handle but combined with other things it is something that I am learning to deal with

I have to say i don't understand

2011-11-10T17:35:00.003-05:00

What we go through sometimes isn’t something that you can explain or even understand. I know that there are things that I don’t get and I don’t understand. I don’t understand the pain, I don’t understand the hurt, I don’t understand God’s plan. All I do know is that I believe that God’s plan works together and that plan is perfect, a plan that He controls and handles. I know that He loves me and that He has sent me a number of amazing people that LOVE on my whole family.

God’s love isn’t something that runs out, it isn’t something that we have to seek for or dig to find. God’s love is something that is hanging out waiting for us to grab a hold and cling to them. As a mom, honestly, sometimes we forget this. As a mom we teach our children, we love our children, we provide for our children. As a mom we see the things that our children do and we see all of the happy, wonderful, talented and wonderful things. As a mom, our hearts break when the things that we desire don’t occur. I can honestly say that we grieve when things aren’t happening in the manor that we desire. Our child hates sports, can’t sing a note, can’t etc. We grieve that. We grieve when our child struggles in school, receives a medical diagnoses, are friends with people that aren’t good for them, are in a dating relationship that isn’t good. Our lives are full of things that we can grieve.

I have been asked a number of times to make a wish list for our family… This is something I am working on. I have been praying about what to put on the list. I have been praying, it is something that is hard for me I don’t want to seem selfish, however, I have been asked by several, several want to bless my family. So when I post this list it will be for those… There will be things that aren’t on this list that we need but these are the things that I could find on Amazon. Feel free to ask me if you have a question, you can email me (skippyjas@ gmail.com no space)

The Amazon Wish List address it The Moody's

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/29X9TFM02TWRT

Please know that this is only for those that have asked what they can do or what they can get for us for Christmas

rambling

2011-11-09T15:26:00.002-05:00

Today there is a line that is running through my head over and over and over again. I am not sure why, I don’t even know all the words of the song, while every time I hear it I think that I do but I will be honest I don’t. I wonder what it is really talking about each time.

The line…. “May the Circle be unbroken by and by Lord, by and by” That at least is the way that it is being played in my head. In my heart I am struggling with this because there are so many things that we want to be broken. Now remember that I said that I don’t get it that I don’t understand what it means or what it is talking about but I do think about it on days like today when the line just keeps replaying over and over again. When it comes to abuse and to death you don’t want it to cont over and over again. You don’t want to hear that the circle of death is occurring over and over again, taking people long before they should in our minds die or before we are ready for them to die. So that circle we want to be broken, we don’t want every woman in our family to die at 50 or to have brain tumors (cancerous or not). We just want that circle to be broken. We don’t want the circle of abuse to continue, we want the abuse to stop, and we want everyone to realize that they are worth something that they can make it and that it will all be okay, that they are worth more than to be beat up on or talked down upon. Again, we WANT that circle to be broken.

Now I understand that some circles we want to never be broken. We want to always be surrounded by love, we want to always be with people that will love us and will help us, and we want to be making a difference. We want to always be lifted up to God in prayer; we want to always be doing the best thing that we can do

This is something that I can’t explain, why is this going in my brain, why is it spinning? Is it because life is changing and while I want the good to continue, I want the pain to stop, I don’t want another person to ever feel the way that I do. I don’t want another person (young or old, male or female) to be touched by mito. I don’t want another family to be touched with any illness. I just don’t, I don’t want the pain of any illness or any sickness to a reality for another person.

ups and downs, but no words

2011-11-07T21:38:00.001-05:00

Another day and I can honestly say that I am without words, I have had a hard time lately because I don’t know what to say. In the past week I have been exposed to a rainbow of emotions, the wonderfulness of awesome things and the hurting devastation of the hard horrible things.

A child going to be with Jesus

A mom going to be with Jesus

Listening to a child who is starting to read

Hearing a child say Yes Ma’am or Yes Sir

Seeing a friend that you don’t get to see

A friend who is leaving her husband and has to take care of her children

Reading an article where your son was mentioned, that the word of the disease is getting out

Reading an article where your son was mentioned and realizing that he is dead

Yes, the ups and downs are so very real, the emotions are real. You aren’t ready for them, they come and they crush your heart. I have a friend that I miss more than I can admit. It isn’t something that I can express all I know is that for whatever reason, God allowed them to be taken from me. I think about her often and I wonder how she is doing and how things are going. I hold her close to my heart. My heart cries every time I think of her.

Then I think Aden going to a new school. He loves it, it isn’t something that we took lightly, and it was only after Aden had two days of testing to see where cognitively he was and how he was doing that we considered it. We had planned on waiting till Jan., however, we had several things that occurred that I no longer could ignore. Aden, who is a wonderful child, was having negative reports every day. Now I know that he isn’t perfect but he isn’t a bad child. We moved him to a private school, he is now one of 7 in his class, they are able to let him move as fast as he wants and he is showing that he is far more capable of what he was doing.

In doing this switch, God blessed me as well; I was interviewed and asked to be a preschool para and resource teacher. This is the 1st time that I have worked since I have had a job. The last time I worked I was pregnant with Aden. My world is totally different; HOWEVER, I can say God has totally blessed me. For those that don’t know my passion is teaching children 2-5 years old and then special needs children. So what I am doing know is amazing, it was planned by God. I am enjoying it greatly and while there are still huge ups and downs…like when I am working with children that would be Zach’s age. I am feeling very blessed.

awesome

2011-11-05T00:11:00.002-04:00

Sometimes there are things that we start that take forever, well in this case Adam started something a year ago and he has been working hard on it. He has been studying a lot, and trying to learn all the things that he needed for the exams. As most exams he struggled to learn everything that he needed to know and to know it to a degree that he could answer the question to the degree that he needed to know.

In October, Adam took the 4th and final part of the CPA exam. He took 3 of the parts and did well, passing them and therefore being done with those sections. Then he took the 4th exam in May and failed it. We both were okay with that. We hated it because of having to pay for the exam again but we understood it was a stressful time for all of us but esp him dealing with Zach being so sick, the hospitals, working, studying and Aden. I was sad that he had to take it again but I understood and tried my best to encourage him not to give up and to keep going. So as we waited for the exam to be graded, I knew that we weren’t waiting on the results as much as were waiting on Aden to take the 4 sections and to declare then DONE. For Adam to reaffirm that this journey, at least this part, is done.

I am thankful that I am blessed enough to go through this with him. CONGRATULATIOINS ADAM.. you are my love, I love you more than you will even know

Two things…

2011-11-03T22:34:00.002-04:00

In my heart and on my mind… I can’t help but feel the tear, the pull of two things that I am not sure that I can explain. In this case I feel so tired. Tired, because I feel the sadness and pain of yet another family that lost a child and then I also feel the excitement of see and being part of God’s creation. I realize that there are things that I don’t know how to handle that only God is able to do. I have a family and I have friends that are only by God. However, that doesn’t mean that things are less hard or frustrating.

1st yesterday was a rough day for people that I know. One of the families that we know off line had a child that went to be with Jesus last night. This was something that was so hard and so much pain. I never have been told before yesterday… Zach has a new friend. Then I found out that a friend of mine who has a wonderful little boy, had to have a CT scan of his head, while he was in the CT scan machine he stopped breathing several time. A hard hard day. It was a hard day for someone that I know that is trying to decide how to handle all the things that they are going through: relationships, job situations, and money situations. It was a HARD day for me, lots of changes in the Moody household. Trying to deal with all of the things and all the emotions and the deaths and illnesses it HARD. It is tiring. Sometimes God doesn’t give us the words He just holds us in His hands. We aren’t called to fix it. We are NOT called to have the right words or to make it better, we are called to be good friends and to help those that we can.

2nd… Today, I went up to apple country and I was able to have a great day… to see all the trees. Orange, yellow, red, brown… it is amazing and breathtaking. It makes me wonder how God orchestrated all the colors and why He decided that we needed so many lovely colors. However, today it was a perfect reminder that everything is for a season. That there is a God ordained time for everything, for all the good things and for all the bad things. That there is a time for being born and for death, to laugh and to cry I have learned this well lately. It was a gentle reminder that it is going to be okay, that God has a plan.

My husband

2011-11-02T18:18:00.000-04:00

I have had such a hard time writing today I would love to say that I know what I am supposed to write but I don’t know. I know that today has been a good day; I know that I am blessed. I have to say that I have the best husband ever. I am thankful for family and for friends that care. I have learned that sometimes emotions are just there. There are times that all you can do is pray, or struggle, or hurt, or love. I know that I am praying for family and for friends today. I know that I can be proud of my husband

I write about Zach a lot, I write about me a little, I write about Aden a little but I rarely talk about Adam. I would love to tell you about him. Adam is my wonderful husband. He and I celebrate our birthdays one day apart from each other. He is a wonderful Christian. Loving and devoted. I am honored to know him and even more honored to call him my husband. He is waiting to hear about the last part of the CPA exam that he took at the beginning of Oct. He took the other 3 parts and has passed them. So we are waiting to see. He is smart and always willing to help and is amazing.

Adam goes to work as an accountant, which he loves to do and he is so amazing at it. He is very technical and is always working on learning more. He is always trying to improve the things that he comes in contact with. He is an amazing Sunday school teacher. He is approachable and loving. He listens and strives to be the most help that he can be. Adam loves about all those that he comes in contact with.

I am thankful for him, thankful for him to allow me to be who I am and who Aden is. He is striving to be more Christ like daily. I love him greatly

New Start for Aden…

2011-11-01T16:33:00.002-04:00

So today was a new start for Aden… he started a new school today! We went to class, we went to the library, and we did so much. When I left this morning it was hard for me, he was apprehensive and was concerned about knowing how to do things. I reassured him that he would be fine, that he was going to be in his class doing class work and that he would have a great time. For a child who normally isn’t worried about it and is pretty much “a don’t look back child”. I was concerned.

I showed up a tad early because it is about 45 mins from our house so I didn’t want to drive all the way back home, I got to see him enjoying himself. I got to hear him playing and it seemed to be wonderful. I picked Aden up and gave him the option of the playground or the library. I was shocked when he asked for the library. I later found out that he wanted a shark book and a dinosaur book. We got those and he played 15 mins of a reading game and we headed home.

He had a wonderful time and was so excited talking about all that he did and telling me about new classmates. I am so thankful that we were given this opportunity, We moved him for several reasons. One was that he needed to be challenged more. However Adam and I wanted also to allow Aden to be him. We wanted him to learn scripture and who God is. We want him to be able to work and be challenged but I wanted him to be able to be upset, sad, or need a tad more emotional if he needed it. Losing a brother is a HUGE deal, what he has been through is HUGE and having a smaller class will be a wonder for thing for him. Being in a small class will also allow his personality to shine. He will be allowed to be wonderful and ADEN!!!!

Halloween

2011-10-31T07:49:00.003-04:00

I have had to been asked a million times what we were doing tonight and if we were celebrating Halloween… almost every time when I told the person that we didn’t know they looked at us slightly embarrassed and asked if we were anti Halloween. The truth is no, I am not anti-halloween. The truth is something that is far different that you can ever imagine.

6 years ago today, I packed up the car with a 30day old baby and I went to go visit Adam’s work. It was our first real trip somewhere; Aden still has in his room a picture of him in his Daddy’s arms. I know exactly where it was in Adam’s office and I am always amazed that my amazing and awesome son was that little and he is such a big boy now. So Halloween rolls around and I instantly think of that picture and I smile from ear to ear… my 1st born with his daddy. How time flies?

1 year ago, 365 days ago, our family was blessed with a friend who MADE Zach’s costume for him. He had been so sick I wasn’t going to worry about it. But the middle of Oct rolled around and Zach was doing so well we decided that YES we were going to go to our churches Trunk or Treat. Our preschool department went above and beyond for my boys, for Zach. Zach at the time could only have a few things by mouth, well he could only have powerade/Gatorade and plan lays potato chips. So at each trunk he got playdoh, stickers, crayons, powerade/Gatorade, and/or chips. At one of the booths he got a glow stick. I still remember the boys with the glow sticks. Zach (well all of us) walked around; he played attempting to shoot a basket and to kick a field goal. We as a family went on a hay ride and the gentleman driving it kept checking on Zach to make sure it wasn’t too fast. I have pictures of that night; in his homemade wonderful costume, laughing, smiling, and so full of life, we got to be a family and we have pictures of it. We have pictures of us as a family of 4.

So why am I telling you this… that night we had no idea that that event would be the LAST event that we would do as a family at our church. Church isn’t just a place for us to be, our faith in Jesus and our relationship with Him and God isn’t just something that we do on Sunday morning, it is our life. We had no reason to think that with Zach doing so well that less than a year later he wouldn't be here. we wouldn’t be celebrating Halloween together again this year. He was so full of life and so happy and he had such a GOOD time going and getting things that he could have to eat and do. It was a “normal” night to him due to the love of our church, of his church, his church felt like he was that special, something that we didn’t realize until later. I realized that the last thing we did as a family of 4 at our church was the trunk or treat. We attempted to bring Zach some, but after that point he was really just too weak and had a hard time. The pictures of our family in our church parking lot are so very special to me. I am so appreciative of those that took the time and the money (it wasn’t cheap to do his stuff) to make that night special for Zach, but I am now eternally grateful that they did it because it allowed my family a night of normalcy in what was going to be a rough year.

So are we going to celebrate tonight… Adam and I don’t want to. However, we may when it comes down to it. We aren’t sure what we are going to do and we are going to play it by ear.

HEAVEN IS FOR REAL

2011-10-29T14:31:00.004-04:00

Today Adam and I got up and planned out our morning…We were going to look for Christmas gifts, normally I have started by now but this year it has been hard. I wanted to go ahead and look because I know that soon it is going to become harder, each day into the Holiday season (Thanksgiving and Christmas) will become harder. We went to the Christian bookstore to find out that a book that has been given to us multiple times has a new children’s version out. Before we left the store we were told that the Family that Wrote “Heaven Is For Real” was going to be at the Walmart and that they would be doing autographs. Adam and I looked at each other and said we aren’t strong enough to do that.

One thing led to another and we found ourselves at the Walmart to get Aden, so I promptly bought the children’s version of “Heaven is For Real” and I hopped in line. For those that don’t know what the book “Heaven is for Real” is about let me quickly tell you. The Burpo family had a son Colton who fell dangerously ill. While in the hospital Colton had to have surgery. One day a while later, Colton told his Dad, who is a pastor, about Heaven. This book tells about his experience. The children’s version is super sweet and will be perfect for Aden who is still dealing with his brother’s death.

The Burpo Family was wonderful and nice and we were able to tell them about how we managed to get 3 copies of the book and why were buying the children’s book. Aden told them about Zachary and about how he was almost 4 (the age of Colton when he fell ill) when Zach died. They autographed the book to Aden and Colton gave Aden his bracelet.

When we made it back to the car, we got to let Aden listen to the next surprise which was a Jamie Grace CD. Aden’s favorite song is on this album, which is HOLD ME!!! It is a fast upbeat wonderful song. We put the song on and we listened to our 6 year old sing his HEART out to God. Adam and I broke down into tears again. See no matter how bad things feel and are, God is always there. Hearing our son worship is something that can’t be replaced and was an honor to hear. It was a great reminder that this Holiday Season (thanksgiving and Christmas) is going to come. We can choose to worship like we always have or we can choose to curl up and ignore it all. We can remember that Family is important. We can although it is hard and emotional, we can have a great season.

everyday

2011-10-28T08:04:00.002-04:00

Everyday…

Everyday is a gift that we are blessed with.

Everyday is a chance that we have to be a good friend.

Everyday is a day that we are able to touch the lives around us and to make a difference.

I am learning that it isn’t about the letters behind your name, it isn’t about the clothes that you wear, it isn’t about how big of a paycheck you receive at the end of the week, it isn’t about how many cars you have or what type. It is amount love, being willing to put yourself aside for someone that you care about, holding someone a tad closer in your prayers because it is all you can do. It is about being willing to stay up late to listen or to stop what you are doing when called upon. How much of a difference are you going to make?

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” Romans 12:12

rambles

2011-10-27T11:04:00.000-04:00

Almost anyone that knows me knows that I love to sing… I won’t pretend to have a great voice, I won’t pretend to have a voice that others want to hear, but I love to sing. Over a year ago I had to step down from praise team, not because someone made me but because Zach was getting to the point where I couldn’t confirm that I could be there. So I stepped down, I felt like it was the right thing to do. Well 4 months ago when Zach passed away, I was able to attend church again. It was hard; to be honest it is still hard sometimes. I have been asked by several when I was stepping back on the stage again. I always laughed it off and say “give it time, not right now” Well after some praying hard and some reassurance that I will be okay, I got in touch with our music minister and asked if I could come back, his answer was, we have practice tonight can you make it. Not exactly the answer that I was expecting. So last night I went to practice, it was HARD, I felt like it was another FINALITY that Zach was in heaven and not coming back. I sung several songs that I don’t know but I did okay. I can honestly say that I MISSED singing. I am so honored to get to sing again.

I have to say that in my worshipping last night it brought several people in my mind… friends that are going through times that I don’t’ understand. I have a friend who had her dad die, when he died her chance to develop a real relationship with him vanished. I have a friend who has a child, that medically things are going wrong, her son is going to have surgery Monday, they found out yesterday. I have a friend whose husband is gone for a month, while thankful that he is in the US and not oversees this time, it is still hard. A friend whose mom is in ICU fighting for her life and the family is making hard decisions. A friend who hasn’t had a job in a while was just blessed with new job. A friend whose Son is in the ICU and they had to perform CPR to keep him here on earth this morning. A friend who called me upset because they feel like they have done something so horrible that I will hate them (WHICH WAS A LIE, I love you). A friend who lost a parent and feels like they are now alone and incapable of doing the things that they need to do, a friend who had her husband walk out on her, A friend who keeps getting told that things are wrong with their child medically but that they can’t figure out what is going on or how to help. A friend who is in a marriage that needs to be healed, a friend who is going through a divorce that no one understands. A friend who is overwhelmed, thinks that she is alone, whose thoughts are racing, and who can’t see past the sec she is in.

Here is my thought for you, my prayer for you…

May you know that you are worth it, that you are an AWESOME person, AWESOME mom, AWESOME Wife, AWESOME friend. You are NEVER alone; you don’t have to do this alone. God is with you and you have friends that will be by your side. God tells us that all works towards His great plan, it doesn’t promise us that it will be easier or that we will understand but He does promise that He will never leave nor forsake us. Hang in there and know that I am ALWAYS here

Blessings and Hard times…

2011-10-26T13:58:00.000-04:00

That seems like a title that doesn’t really exist but I am here to tell you that it does. I think that with all the things that God has allowed us to go through that we are learning that to keep our eyes on Christ sometimes means that we hurt in ways that the world doesn’t understand.

I have had a hard time, it is the start of the holiday season. Now for us and for the Moody’s this is the time that we spend lots of time with family. I have always had a hard time, not a huge hard time but a little bit of a hard time, because my mother died the Friday after thanksgiving in 2002. It was a black Friday for sure, however, one filled with joy. Why because my mother was whole again, she wasn’t hurting anymore, she had NO cancer. The following thanksgiving, 2003, I promptly started a new tradition. I got up and went shopping for black Friday. Last year for this tradition I had a dear friend of mine in town and I had a blast with her. It was a GREAT year for that. This year I am unsure of what is going to happen, I know that I am delighted to have family and friends that will surround us during this time. However, I am sad, I miss my mom and I miss my little man, Zach! I wonder if my mom is keeping up with Zach or if Zach has to keep up with my mom, all she ever wanted to do was pour her love into her family and into the children of the family. I am sure that Zach is spoiled rotten.

Then I thought about Christmas, this is the one of the two days that means the most to our family. We have a faith in God, in Jesus and because of that Christmas means a lot to us. It is a family day, starting off with sausage cheese balls and grandparents coming, we see family, we cook, and we are together as a whole. Last year we had to alter our plans it was different, we altered out place but the one thing that didn’t change was that our family was together. So once again this year it is going to focused family but I am so unsure how emotionally I am going to be able to handle it.

However, in thinking about this holiday time, I have to tell you that our family has already been blessed. Zach touched many and one of the people that he touched had her husband go to be with Jesus. As part of sharing his legacy, she donated an ipod touch to Zach. Zach was inseperatable from it. One day about 7 months ago, Zach was at a restaurant and he sat it down on the table as I got his oxygen, tpn, fluids and all together to leave, someone walked by and took it. I was devastated, and honestly that doesn’t cover it, I mean Zach loved this and it was an honor to get it. I cried and cried and cried about it but I realized that we would never see it again.

So I got an email this week from apple that stated that a local county law enforcement office was questioning them about an ipod, so they forwarded me the information. Because the person that gave it to Zachary got it inscribed with “Zach Moody, God Bless You” They were able to google his name, finding out that he was no longer alive, They went the extra mile to make contact with me. I drove today to go and get it. It has more scratches on it than when it got taken and it was wiped from all the data and pictures that were on it but we have the unit back.

This is important to us because we were going to start a tradition of getting something for Aden from Zach for Christmas. This year we will be getting an otterbox case, new headphones and loading this ipod up to give it to Aden. Aden will be given back his brothers ipod. Adam and I fill like Zachary had his 5 mins and had it returned to his brother. Aden has no clue and we don’t plan on telling him that we have it back!

God’s unexpected plan…

2011-10-21T10:04:00.002-04:00

A long time ago, well not so long ago but too much with all that has gone on it seems forever ago., a book was given to me by a mom who has special needs children. She had recently had a daughter that was blessed to go be with Jesus, in her pain and in her healing we were blessed with some items that we desperately needed for Zach. Because of her daughter’s legacy, Zach sat at the table with us at meals and was able to color/do art with his brother. I told her thank you for that!

However, in with those items was a book, a book that she drew Hope and comfort through. I never understood why I was given this book. When we first got it I tried and tried and tried to read it and I couldn’t. I always thought it was because I didn’t have time, or the desire. I found out today, it was because my heart wasn’t ready for it. This book explains how my heart feels, it reminds me that I am not alone, and not only am I not alone but that God has NEVER left me in this journey.

The book is titled: Holding on to HOPE: a pathway through suffering to the heart of God. By Nancy Guthrie. This book was moved from spot to spot in our house, one day in the past couple of months Adam picked it up. Now for anyone that knows Adam, him picking up this book should have been my 1st clue that God was in it. Adam doesn’t really care to read just to read and this was book 2 that he had picked up to read. Adam read it and told me, Jen please try to read this. I pushed it off. Yesterday morning, Adam took it out of his book bag and handed it to me. I took this as God’s sign for me to read it. I had been looking for a bible study or a book to help me deal with and handle with some of the intimate things in my heart. I took this as God’s mouth and a push that the time was right for me to read this book that we had for over a year probably.

I finished this book, this morning!!! I made myself stop reading yesterday because I needed to do some things but I picked it back up this morning and finished it. God is so amazing… God took the pain of a mom to write this book, took the pain of a mom to give me the book (not just suggest it but actually give it) to touch me; A mom who is hurting from all of the things that have occurred. Here is how it has changed though. There is a story, a section of verses in the bible that talks about why there was a man who was born blind. See in the day it was the custom that it was someone’s fault, I know I am like that even today, if the tire blows out what did I do, if Aden gets sick what did I do, this isn’t a concept that has gone away. So in John 9, God reminds us that He is the ultimate designer.

“Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” John 9:2-3

Now, this has been a life passage for Adam for the past couple of years, the peace that Adam needed to know that it is ALL for God’s GLORY. It has nothing to do with us; we are simply vessels to accomplish the task that God has placed forth. I think that this has hit home with me lately. The number of life’s that Zach has touched, we will never know, but I can stand and tell you that I am stronger today than I was yesterday. That I have a purpose and a passion to help those walk through the unbearable things of their lives, the ones that many don’t understand and don’t want to even imagine.. God didn’t intend for us to do this alone.

Just as we were handed this book from a dear mom, I pray that I am able to pass on the encouragement and the love to make it one more sec, then one more min, then one more day! Then those days will add and it will be a week, those weeks, will become months. The pain doesn’t go away but I have accepted that God has desired it perfectly for me, that He is holding me and that He has never stopped loving me.

People learn…

2011-10-20T12:50:00.002-04:00

People learn based on what they are around, Children learn by what is done to them, what they are around and how they are expected to act. Today I had an instance that made me thankful that Aden has a loving family and that he knows that not everyone is alike. Aden has been having some medical issues and since he came home yesterday and totally crashed I didn’t give his medications, I mean he doesn’t have a Gtube he has to be awake to take meds that are liquids and meds that are gummies. Today he had an instance where he needed me at school, he was able to convience them to call but we have a code phrase that lets me know that He needs his medication. Something that is normal but tells me that he is hurting. He had to ask the nurse multiple times to tell me the statement. Finally right before she hung up with me I heard him say something and I asked her, she told me he needs me to tell you that “his stomach hurt”. This was the one piece of information I needed to know, I packed meds and got things and headed to his school. While I was there helping him and giving meds the nurse questioned me on if I had this and that. When I said yet she rolled her eyes and turned. I could have gotten over that, however, with others students there, she then proceeded to degrade my son because of this problem. Aden looked at me and asked me if he had to stay, with tears in his eyes he told me that he couldn’t help it and that he was sorry. I looked at him, pulled him close, and loved on him. I told him that school was important and that he needed to finish. So he asked if I would walk him to his classroom, he needed to know it was okay. So I gladly took my sons hand and walked him back to class, proud that he is so amazing.

So let me tell you what you do matters, no one saw his tears or the hurt on his face. No one knows what goes through his head, and guess what he isn’t the only one. We all are this way, we learn what emotions to hide and which ones are okay. We learn who we can talk to and who we can be real with and who can’t. Aden is a sweet, caring, loving, amazing child because of ALL that he was exposed to. He is amazing because he has people that love on him. Hold your children tight let them know that you love them, that they are good enough, to keep trying and that all is okay.

My heart is upset but I have never been so proud of my son, he took the upsetness put it away and walked into class. Smiling and acting like all is okay

As I am typing

2011-10-19T18:10:00.002-04:00

As I am typing this… there are parents that are in the ICU room hearing that their child might not make it two weeks. While I am writing this there are parents that are making the decision to not continue treatments. While I am writing this there are parents that are having to decide that it is better for their precious love one to die at home. While I am typing this there are parents learning for the 1st time that their child isn’t sick with a common cold but with an illness that will claim their life. While I am typing this there are parents who are hurting with how to tell a sibling that their brother/sister isn’t coming home again. While I am writing parents have to decide what the next course of treatment is and if it is worth trying? While I am typing this there are parents learning that their child’s life expectancy is less than a car or a washing machine.

As I am typing this… There are parents that feel like they can’t tell others what is going on. While I am writing this there are parents that can’t use a word to express how badly they hurt. While I am writing this there are parents who are crying on the inside but can’t express it on the outside. While I am writing this there are parents who are having an emotional breakdown but can’t reach out. While I am writing this there is a parent who decides that the only way to handle this is to kill themselves. While I am writing this there are parents who have so much despair that the next breath is too much. While I am typing this parents are coming to grips that their child will not go to school anymore but have to stay at home. While I am writing this parents are figuring out money and how to go to another state for treatment cause that is the closest place that knows what they are doing. While I am writing this parents are having to decide that moving the whole family is the best thing for that child, that where they are simply isn’t good enough

Why am I writing this? I am reminded that Adam and I are not the only ones who went through the pain and the suffering of a child who was ill. We fought a long time without letting people in; we did it on our own. This isn’t a battle that you should have to fight, it just isn’t. You aren’t alone, It isn’t fair the decisions that you are being asked to make or the things that you have to tell your other children. It isn’t fair that you have to call love ones to prepare them that one more breath might be too much for your child. We knew that God is with us. We know that even know but no one has the words to take the pain away. But I know for so long I tried to fight it alone and I failed miserably at doing it. I became a basket case and I became upset because I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to help, but in reality only knowing that Zach was in God’s hands and that he was taken care of helped.

My point in this is simple.. If you are in this position.. You aren’t alone, you are never alone. I am here (we are here) as much or as little as you want us to be. You do not have to do this alone. You don’t have to feel like you are the only one. If you are blessed enough to not be in one of these situations please pray and make yourselves available. Love on and help those that need you so deeply

Amazing Blessings…

2011-10-17T21:54:00.000-04:00

Today was a day that I can honestly say we have been praying for a while, In this case today was the day that Adam took the last part of the CPA exam. This is his second time taking the exam, he took this same exam in May and he failed it. Who could blame him, Zach was Sick, really sick, our family was tired, we were living each day trying to hold ourselves together as a family. He did his best and was close to it but the final grade was a fail. So today was the day that he took it again. Today was also a day that Adam and I went to go get some of the testing that Aden had done. In this case it was to see how we can help Aden in school; Aden is a huge blessing and is extremely bright. These tests were designed to help us know what to do for him.
I was able to have lunch with my husband, it was unexpected and much needed… to be able to talk and enjoy each other. It was a huge blessing, it was wonderful to be in a resturant full of people and to be by ourselves, you know being wrapped up in only each other. I was able to talk to a dear friend on the phone, well, two of them. Both of these people were and are huge blessings in my life. Both are Christian women who have loved on me no matter what is going on. Both called kinda unexpected but HUGELY appreciated. In fact I wasn’t done talking to one but my phone kept cutting me off, I was MAD that I was cut short with her. The other it has been a long time since I have talked to her and I have forgotten how much she means to me and how much God can speak through a person. She spoke to my heart!

My father in law who is a staple in our lives, he is always willing to put himself aside and do things for us. We couldn't do all the things that we do without Adam's wonderful parents,they are wonderful and they love on us in such an amazing and Godly way. In this case he was watching Aden for us while we went and got results. When I dropped Aden off, I was told to head home and that they would bring Aden back to me tonight. I was thankful actually I was honored, I mean it was one less thing to do, I know selfish but honest. They surprised us by coming and bringing dinner, to be able to sit around the table and laugh and enjoy. What an honor!!! I appreciate them more than I can type.

Then I got this card tonight in the mail… Now I understand the whole sending cards of encouragement it is something that I do often. However, I don’t think that I have ever received cards from another person in the best time possible than from this person. I got a card tonight and I was appreciative and honored. How amazing? Why is it amazing? Because God saw that I needed some love and I needed some encouragement and He let someone know that I did and that person even states away pay attention to it.

See we each have days and sometimes WEEKS, maybe months that seem to go on forever, ever, and ever. We struggle with the many things that are in our lives. We struggle to do the things, take care of our children, do our jobs, clean our clothes, etc. One of my biggest things that I felt let to do is to pray for and to encourage my friends as they have encouraged me. I am thankful that God loves me enough and that my friends love me enough! In this case it to see how things work… to know that God is ALWAYS with us!

4 Months…

2011-10-14T15:47:00.002-04:00

The world teaches us that we need to find love in others... the church teaches that we need to strive for God (so people think that we are supposed to be perfect) when all along God calls us to come to Him the way we are, to let Him work.

4 months is how long Zach has been blessed to be with Jesus, I feel like it has been such a rollercoaster that I can’t imagine however, it is real and it is our new reality. To look at new pictures and realize that we are a family of 3 not 4 has been the hardest adjustment for me. I don’t want to forget Zach or think that he isn’t part of the family. He just is blessed to be with my mom in heaven.

I am learning that God’s plan has so many awesome things in it…family, friendships, sunsets, colors, legos, cards, texts and emails to name a few. God has always been here, He always will be. God loves me unconditionally; He sings over me, He collects my tears. I matter that much. So while on earth I grieve 4 months, I know in my heart that our Heavenly Father is showing Zach the place of a lifetime, with the love of a lifetime! One Day I will get to join him there and Zach will get to show me all around, ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

blessings

2011-10-13T01:11:00.000-04:00

Deuteronomy 31:6 -- Be Strong and Courageous, do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord God goes with you, he will never leave nor forsake you

This verse was given to me and it is a nice reminder to know that God is ALWAYS with us... This means good times and bad times. It means He is ALWAYS with us. I have had a number of AWESOME reminders. A phone call, an email, a new friend, a song, mail, and texts just a few things to remind me that God is here.

God hasn’t left me, with all the pain and all the heartache, all the emotions, God is still here. He has giving me amazing songs, amazing cards, and amazing words. I have had conversations with people that I am blessed to have. I received a late birthday present and it was from a friend who got me colors, I love colored ink. It makes me happy and happier that she remembered. He gave me an awesome and amazing lunch with a friend, cheese dip and all. To be able to converse and to enjoy being there, what an honor what a blessing to be with an AMAZING friend. To have a family member declare their love and commitment to being with you for everything, to walk every step, to open her home, to pray with and for, to laugh with and to cry with. To be able to do lunch and dinner with a new friend to know that she has such a sweet Godly spirit, not perfect, but tender, something that is needed in my heart. A sweet tender voice of God to help me along since my heart is so tender right now. To have a long time friend, someone that I consider to be a sister, have her 1st child, a baby boy. I was honored to get to feel her stomach when her little one was still inside of her. She is my sister that I never got to have, we have been through a lot together.

All of these are things that I have been blessed with... little things and big things, private things, intimate things and very social things. God was in them all, giving me exactly what I need. That God is HERE!!! God’s Grace is sufficient for me that I can stay strong in him

2011-10-11T13:18:00.002-04:00

Well I am officially sick, it is the 1st time I have been sick in a while. This is something that I am feeling pretty lucky because this is just my throat and when I cough my chest. I know that it can be so so so much worse. I am feeling very honored that this morning I could curl up and I could sleep, that I could get my body the rest it needs to heal.

I have to say that this past week Aden got some work sent home from school. Adam and I have always been amazed and proud of Aden and his abilities. He has shown us that he is compassionate, caring, smart, and flexible. When we saw his work from school we got to see how he was doing in school. Adam and I both wanted to climb onto of a mountain and scream that he was our son. His work was amazing. Aden can’t always tell us what he wants to do or what he did in school but he always has at least one thing that he likes to tell us about. He loves to be social and involved as well how wonderful.

Sunday night we were watching tv and a little girl that was in the rehab unit at the same time as Zach was, was on the tv. Aden asked if Zach knew her and we told him yes, they were there at the same time. He looked at us, then turned and looked at the TV, when he turned back around he asked us if he could pray for her, that she wouldn’t have to go back to hospital. It was a sweet moment. He has such a caring spirit and is wonderful when it comes to his ability to help others. He is enjoying all of the things that he is learning during Awana. I am very proud of him.

Family is a gift that God gives us. I am blessed with an amazing family!!!

Blessed and Amazed

2011-10-10T15:49:00.001-04:00

Another day and I can say that I am in awe… TIRED and not feeling 100% but still an AMAZING day.

I have realized that I am blessed with family that cares, with friends that care, with family that I care about and friends that I care about. It is Monday and it is rainy but I have to say it is nice and calming.. I can say that I am tired but I am blessed to have a house that will keep me dry. I am blessed with getting to curl up and love on my son. I can think back on the weekend that I had and be delighted. I have family time, laughing and playing and a good time and then I can think about going to a friend’s house and getting to know them more and getting to develop a relationship with them. It is such a sweet sweet thing. A God given thing for sure.

I am saddened though by several im’s that I got… 1. Whose son is having issues and the doctors are saying that there are only a few more options but that even with the best results that the child has a shortened life. I understand that pain, slightly different situation so I don’t completely understand but there are no words for the pain that is there and for the anger of wanting to hurt those that can’t help your child. I am continuing to pray and hope that they know that we are always there for them. There is nothing harder than the path that they are on. 2. Then a friend of mine is going to be moving, I don’t know when and while I completely understand my heart breaks. The good thing is that I know how to use facebook and I know how to text so we can always stay in touch but it is hard. I feel really blessed that I know her and the whole family but I will miss them greatly. 3. Then I got word that someone that I know was heading to the hospital because her daughter was going to be admitted, they don’t know how good or bad it is but my heart breaks for this mom and dad. I don’t talk to them much anymore but my heart isn’t harden to them and to the things they are going through I care about them deeply.

All this is to remind me that God is always with me. That even in rough times God is there, I am never alone, we are never alone. It is written in the Bible that “He will never leave us or forsake us” doesn’t mean it will be easy it means that He will be here with us at all time. He tells us that nothing can take us out of God’s hand once we are there… the only way to be there is to accept Him. Well it is to Admit that we are sinners (that we do things wrong, which we all do). Believe that Jesus (God’s only son) died on the cross and that He was raised on the third day. Then we have to confess and turn our ways towards Him. This doesn’t mean that we never miss up, do things wrong, get upset, have bad things happen… it simply means that God is walking with us. It is how you get a peace that passes all understanding it is how you can grieve like there is hope. It is how we can live the life that God intended us to be. It means that I can pray for those that I love and those that I care about. I am thankful that my God is bigger than the boogie man, that He is bigger than all the monsters and all the things that can bother us.

3 things…

2011-10-07T22:07:00.002-04:00

Simply three things, which three things you might ask? It is 3 things that I am thankful for… I am thankful for a lot but today at this instance what are three things that I am thankful for.

1. I am thankful for family and friends. God has blessed me with the ability to reconnect and to become friends with. I have been able to develop friendships with people that I have only seen at a distance and wondered how they were doing. For my family that loves me, supports me and desires for me to be okay. They all hug me and love on me.

2. I am thankful for colored ink, yes I know silly but I am thankful that I can write in my journal in different colors. It allows me to reconnect with an emotion. To not be bored, to see the joy. I hate when I see all these things and it looks like a bruise: black and blue. Color has allowed me to write and to express myself to say things that I would keep hidden but needed to write about. Journaling as allowed me to clear my mind and to get things out of my mind and where I can say I don’t need to worry about them or that I need to do deal with.

3. I am thankful for Facebook, this connects with number 1. I have gotten the opportunity on facebook to get to know people and get to share my story. But I also get to talk to my family in other states or cities, friends that are in different states, well in different countries. Friends that I haven’t gotten to talk to in a long time. People that I see every week but haven’t gotten to really talk to because surrounded by people the communication is impossible to start. I can set up events and be invited to events. I can hear prayer requests and pray for people that I can’t normally be involved with

I am very thankful that God blesses me every day!

Yesterday…

2011-10-06T14:04:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I was thankful for people and for how they have impacted my life… I think that I am still in that mode. I am thankful. Thankful that God is in my life, that I have positive people, Godly people in my life. I can’t say that I have always been the best Christian (there are times that I am angry at all, that I yell out at God, that I don’t do what I am supposed to do, that I tell God that He has lost His mind) but I have strived to be on the path that God has given me. Through it all I have wondered how I could stay strong when the walls are crumbling down. What I have realized is that God’s strength is sufficient, it is enough, He knows what He is doing and He knows what I need. I have to rest in the fact that if I draw near to God He will in fact draw need to me. God never promises us that things will be easy and I can attest to that… not just in Zach’s situation but in friendships. He calls us to draw close to him, to mount up on wings like eagles so that we will not grow weary, that we won’t grow tired. Gosh have you ever been so tired that you can’t function to move or to do anything much less to think or to help someone else. God tells us that His grace is sufficient that his yoke is easy that it is light. One of the hardest things that I am going through now is that those that are supporting me the most, are ones that work fulltime jobs, are older, or are in other states (or better yet in different countries). It is hard to know what to do or say because we aren’t in charge of our life God is. Sometimes God calls us to Be Still and Know that He is God; this means that we are not to doubt Him and all of the things that He has set forth. It means don’t forget that He has plans to prosper us not to harm us.

I have learned several things that I am amazed about:

• China is 12 hours ahead of us

• That there is a free texting program that is available for the ipad but you can’t send pictures through it

• That a card is something that can be read and read and read over again. Sometimes it can even be carried with you because you need to read what is in it.

• That schedules can get hectic but it doesn’t change how important people are to you.

• True friends love you and hold you even if it doesn’t make sense.

• That Praise and Worship music can take the negative things in your life and help you focus on the positive.

• That you don’t have to tell everyone everything but that you are to tell what God has led you to tell.

• That sometimes jury duty can be a week long and be totally pointless for the person that has it but they are getting to bless someone else.

• That text messages no matter when they are received are a little way to let people know they matter.

Yes, I am still totally thankful for life and for God and for all the people that God has placed in my life.

Thankful…

2011-10-05T14:59:00.000-04:00

I wanted to write a blog that poured my emotions out… the past few days those have been hard to read and to live through but in this case I need to say that I am thankful. I have so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my Husband… who else would be here with me and walk each step of the way, he is strong and amazing and wonderful. He is a Godly man and loves me deeply. I can’t imagine my life without him, he is my all and all and I feel so honored to be married to him. He is my king.

I am thankful for Aden… who is flexible, smart, wonderful and amazing. He is amazingly loving and loves to do all the things that he can do. He is wonderful.

I am thankful for My Moody Mom and Dad… I am honored that I have in-laws that I can call mom and dad. They love me and accept me like I am theirs and who have no issues accepting me as their daughter. They have gone the extra mile and they have been there for us and been so wonderful

I am thankful for my Aunt Caroline… who is even from the distance is loving me and holding me up in prayer and who is and has been here for me every step of the way. She has been willing to im me or text me to let me know that I am always in her prayers and thought. I can’t express my love for her and how much she means to me.

I am thankful for several friends… I am going to use initials because I didn’t ask anyone permission to do this. I am thankful for M who is wonderful and has reeled me back to God. Her spirit is sweet and there is no one I rather worship with to sing praises to God with her to the reminder that God has a plan and that He holds me in his hand. I am thankful for M who I thought when she moved from the area I thought that I would never talk to her again. Yet God brought her back in my life and I need her greatly. She has been a wonderful reminder that it is all for God’s glory and that I am to hold tight that I will get through this. It is hard but she has been here and I have felt her lift me up to God and even through the distance I know that she is praying. I am thankful for C, she is amazing and loving and caring, that no matter how much is going on in her life she has been here for me and I am thankful. I love her deeply. I am thankful for J who has allowed me to go off on her and to fuss at her, to be part of her amazing life, with her new baby, who helped me get my words back who I consider to me my family. I am thankful for B who no matter what we go through I love her and she means a ton to me. She holds a very important spot in my life and I hate when things aren’t going right. I am thankful for J, who even though she has had major things in her life still takes time to hug me and love on me. I am thankful for S who had been one that I can text and pour my heart out to her but she keeps private.

I have so much more to be thankful for but this is just a start!

Really…

2011-10-04T08:45:00.002-04:00

I can’t be the only one that is going through all of this but yet I don’t have a clue on what I am supposed to be doing. I can’t be the only one that is feeling the way that I am but yet I am feeling very ashamed and very embarrassed, very isolated. I know that I don’t need to but I do. I know that there is nothing that I can do about a number of the situations that have occurred so why is it so hard to manage to move on. Why is it so hard to realize that I can’t do a thing about what is going on and that what I am feeling is okay to feel?
Grief is something that cannot be explained in one way…how one person does it might not be the way the next one does. Some people grieve some while the person is still alive, some people wait for months or even years to deal with it, some jump right in and begin to heal the sec the death occurs.

What I am learning is that people honestly don’t understand… they try, they are human though and they don’t’ always get it. I have learned that people honestly try but they aren’t always able to understand what is going on or why things bother you so much. I have a friend who is always okay to the outside world, once you break through that wall you find out that she hurts deeply and is striving each day to be the best that she can be but feels like she is failing horribly, The I have another friend who honestly opens up to everyone and lets them know what she is feeling that she is mad, unable to cope, upset, want to be gone. Which one is right? Which one is the way we should be? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that I am neither one of them. I am a third way all together mostly because I am so up and down it is crazy. I seem to be on this rollercoaster of emotions that I cannot get off of.

God is holding me and He is moving me towards what He wants me to be but on the way there He is molding me and it hurts, it is difficult. I have had a hard time knowing that this is all for a reason. However, I know that God is sufficient; He is all that I need. I know that He is all that I need. I know that I have family and friends that love on me even when I feel unlovable. I know that I will make it through. The up and downs of emotions though are HORRIBLE and misunderstood.

Information: Depression and Anxiety

2011-10-03T08:05:00.001-04:00

Many times I sit here and I wonder how much I should tell and how much I should keep in myself… this morning is one of them. Yesterday I hit the worse headache that I have had in a long long time. It literally had me down for the count. I couldn’t do anything, this morning I am still having a hard time but I am hanging in.

I have been trying to figure out what to type and I thought this is Moody Tales, and I have been quite moody lately. With emotions being so up and down, with not knowing what to say and who to say it to, when to be okay with things and when to speak up and say it isn’t okay. So I keep thinking what do I want people to get out of this blog, mostly I want people to realize that it is okay to be honest, real, transparent, and whatever emotion is going on.

I would love to talk about depression and anxiety. I have learned that many people understand 1 of them but they don’t understand the other even more apparent is that having them both is so misunderstood. So I wanted to tell you a bit about what I have learned.

1st both of these conditions are ones that can bring a ton of emotions, the person effected can feel quite ashamed or have a ton of emotions behind letting others know that they are being effected by depression or anxiety. Many people feel like Christians in particular can’t have them, or both of them, most feel if you pray enough, believed enough or trusted God enough that you won’t have them. Well, that simply isn’t the case, many Christians, even strong Christians have been affected by one or both at some point in their lives.

So Here is Jen, just a normal person telling you about the two things that are effecting me that I want to keep hidden but that God is telling me to tell, to share because I am NOT the only one dealing with these things.

These two excepts are taken from a website (Mayo clinic):

Depression is a serious medical illness that involves the brain. It's more than just a feeling of being "down in the dumps" or "blue" for a few days. If you are one of the more than 20 million people in the United States who have depression, the feelings do not go away. They persist and interfere with your everyday life. Symptoms can include

• Sadness

• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy

• Change in weight

• Difficulty sleeping or oversleeping

• Energy loss

• Feelings of worthlessness

• Thoughts of death or suicide

Anxiety is a normal part of life. It can even be useful when it alerts us to danger. But for some people, anxiety is a persistent problem that interferes with daily activities such as work, school or sleep. This type of anxiety can disrupt relationships and enjoyment of life, and over time it can lead to health concerns and other problems.

In some cases, anxiety is a diagnosable mental health condition that requires treatment. Generalized anxiety disorder, for example, is characterized by persistent worry about major or minor concerns. Other anxiety disorders — such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) — have more specific triggers and symptoms. In some cases, anxiety is caused by a medical condition that needs treatment.

Whatever form of anxiety you have, medications, counseling or lifestyle changes can generally help.Common anxiety symptoms include:

• Feeling apprehensive

• Feeling powerless

• Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom

• Having an increased heart rate

• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)

• Sweating

• Trembling

• Feeling weak or fatigued

Specific anxiety disorders are broken down into several diagnosable mental health conditions:

• Panic attacks can start suddenly and cause apprehension, fear or terror. You may have feelings of impending doom, shortness of breath, heart palpitations or chest pain. You may feel as if you're choking, being smothered or that you're "going crazy."

• Agoraphobia is anxiety about, or avoidance of, places or situations where you might feel trapped or embarrassed to leave if you start to feel panicky.

• Specific phobias are characterized by significant anxiety when you're exposed to a specific object or situation and a desire to avoid it. Phobias provoke panic attacks in some people.

• Social phobias are characterized by significant anxiety provoked by exposure to certain types of social or performance situations and a desire to avoid them.

• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is characterized by persistent, recurring thoughts, images or impulses (obsessions) or an irresistible desire to perform irrational or seemingly purposeless acts or rituals (compulsions). Often it involves both obsessive and compulsive behavior.

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is characterized by the feeling that you are re-experiencing an extremely traumatic event. It causes intense emotions and physical reactions along with a desire to avoid anything that might remind you of the event.

• Acute stress disorder is characterized by symptoms similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder that occur immediately after an extremely traumatic event.

• Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by at least six months of persistent and excessive anxiety and worry about small or large concerns. This type of anxiety disorder often begins at an early age. It frequently occurs along with other anxiety disorders or depression.

• Anxiety disorder due to a medical condition is characterized by prominent symptoms of anxiety that are directly caused by a physical health problem.

• Substance-induced anxiety disorder is characterized by prominent symptoms of anxiety that are a direct result of abusing drugs, taking medications or being exposed to a toxic substance.

• Separation anxiety disorder is a childhood disorder characterized by anxiety related to separation from parents or others who have parental roles.

• Anxiety disorder not otherwise specified is a term for prominent anxiety or phobias that do not meet the exact criteria for any of the other anxiety disorders but are significant enough to be distressing and disruptive.

So yes, a ton of information but why am I writing this… 1. You are not alone 2. Please be willing to get help, there is help. There are people that will be able to help you 3. If you need someone to help you get help, let someone help you, I am sure that you have friends that will walk with you, go with you, pray with you, be there for you. I will be willing to go with you 4. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed.

Now I struggle with not feeling embarrassed or ashamed, mostly because I suffer from severe depression and anxiety right now. While people might look and say I have every right to have them I feel like I am failing. It is something that I knew depression was hard to deal with, I could imagine that anxiety was bad however, I can tell you know that having both of them are HORRIBLE, they can feed off of each other and they are things that sometimes you can’t control and can’t make better.

Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk or know something.

Birthday Number 3…

2011-10-01T17:51:00.002-04:00

So to round out this week is birthday number 3… this would be Aden. Aden today turned 6… how did it just happen that I have a 6 year old on earth and a 4 year old in heaven, when did they get so Big.

I have to say that I was a tad nervous because of last year’s party but I can say we are blessed with amazing and wonderful friends. Everyone seemed to come together to bless all of us…. Friends from out of town and friends that are close to us. It was a huge hit to be at the park for them to run and play.

Aden was blessed with lots of legos, transformers and things that will entertain him for hours… YAY!!!!!!! I was blessed with converstation and hugs

I have many many more things to say but I have to say but I am so exhausted so I will try to right more later.

Really another day…

2011-09-30T22:51:00.002-04:00

I wish that I could say that life has settled down some but what I am learning is that my life is crazy that things don’t always settle the way that we think that it should. I have to say that Thursday was a calm day but we had friends come into town. We have talked for over a year and I wish that I could say that we met before now but I can’t… through all the medicalness that brought us together this was the 1st time that we have met. We have laughed and laughed and laughed, I am thankful that God brought our families together.
Today however, wasn’t a great day… I needed the laughter tonight because I found myself having a hard time with all the events of today. Aden had a hard time last night and when I went in this morning I walked into his room and found a room that had highlighter green carpet. I thought it was Easter grass. I mean literally I thought. “Where did the Easter grass come from?” nope it was marker. My heart sank I mean really the day before his birthday. So today the cupcakes that were going to be made and delivered to school are still in the box and never were made. I couldn’t help it, I had my heart crushed but I couldn’t let him after the events of the night.

I can honestly say.. Laughter has been a healer. While things are hard and I don’t understand why there are illness, pain, problems, accidents, tests I can finally say that the things that come out of the events are wonderful even if shaped in pain and heartache. I never wish all the events on others but I can say that I am thankful that God is always with us and that even in the pain that He holds me in His hands

Birthday Number 2

2011-09-28T14:46:00.003-04:00

Well, yes I said two and before this week is over you will have BIRTHDAY 3. For now though I am going to talk about birthday two. Birthday 2 belongs to me. I tried my hardest to get people to forget my birthday. I was having a hard time with it. I am missing my mom, I am missing my son and yet I am supposed to be happy and wonderfully okay. Birthdays are filled with thanksgiving, hugs, love and joy. I was having a hard time with this. However, God never does something half way… He always has a purpose.

I got Aden to school this morning and headed to an appt. While I was on my way to the appt. I stopped and got myself a drink… joy number 1. DIET COKE!!!! Awesome! Then once home I got to eat a cupcake that was made for ME, Chocolate peanut butter, oh my… DELISH!!! So Joy number 2. CHOCOLATE CUPCAKE, oh my! Then I tried to get some things done, I am still in the midst of them and I was getting quite irritated so I was sitting here looking at the computer screen and I had my doorbell ring. My amazing and awesome husband sent me gorgeous flowers. They are perfect and wonderful. So Joy number 3 FLOWERS, PINK FLOWERS! Yipppeeeee! Then I was sitting here and wondering what to do next… I only have an hour before Aden gets home, the time has FLOWN by and I didn’t get anything accomplished. When my doorbell rung again. I got a balloon, arrangement, and bear. No idea where this one came from so I sat them down and looked at the card. It reads “Happy Birthday Jen! WE all love you very much!!! Thinking of you and praying for you each and every day. May your birthday be filled with joy and peace. Hugs Your August Beach Baby Moms." For those that don’t know this, these were sent from the ladies that were pregnant at the same time as I was pregnant with Zach and we all have babies that were born around the same time. We experienced the same things around the same time. I recently had to take myself off of the page that we were part of because I couldn’t handle being reminded on the daily basis’s that I don’t have Zachary any more. This is Joy number 4 PURPLE FLOWERS but even more being remembered and thought of by those that still have their little ones.

No idea what the rest of the day holds but I have learned one thing… I am loved. God knows that I needed to be reassured that I am here for a reason and for a purpose so a day that I didn’t think that I would enjoy and I thought would just hurt even more has turned out to be a wonderful reminder that I am here for such a time as this!

Birthday number 1

2011-09-27T14:27:00.002-04:00

Yes this is birthday number one, as in Adam’s birthday, my awesome and amazing husband’s birthday. I was able to do something special for him and celebrate him. I had a friend make him white chocolate peanut butter cupcakes and I was able to surprise him at work with enough for his department. I took them expecting picking them up from my friend to be kinda difficult, but it was a blessing. Then I was blessed by getting to have lunch with my husband and my mother in law. What a huge blessing!
So for those that don’t know my husband let me tell you about him… He is a God Fearing, God Loving, amazing, loving, caring, and wonderful. He is an Amazing Husband and an Amazing Father. He is so amazingly smart and caring. He is gifted in being able to know the numbers and how they work and what they mean. He has taught me so much more than what I can express and he loves me no matter what which is amazing. He is supportive no matter what.

Today I get to celebrate him, without him, I would be lost. Without him my world would be darker and without him I would have far less touch that I do now. He is my All in All and my Gift from God.

Happy Birthday to you my Amazing husband

One Day at a Time…

2011-09-25T16:22:00.002-04:00

One day at a time is all I can do. God has called me to rely on Him, because of this I don’t know what is going to happen. Why is this important or stressful? Because there is so much that I want to know. I want to know what I am supposed to be doing. If I am walking this path the way that I should be? What answers are to testing that has been done? How to help my family and friends that I am close to? The list goes on and on and all.

I have learned a ton about Grief, this is something that no one wants to know about but once you learn you realize that it is so much more involved than you could ever imagine. Grief has a ton of emotions that are involved… hurt, anger, overwhelmed, bitterness, incapable, unworthy, sadness, ashamed, alone, and many more. There are a ton of actions that are part of grief…Crying, screaming, avoidance, hitting, being shy, talking a ton, not talking at all, and many more.

The most important thing that I know is that none of it is predictable and it is all something that isn’t understood. It is like you can be fine in one sec and then the next not be okay. You can hear a song today with no problem and tomorrow it devastates you. You can be in a situation that you think that you can handle and guess what you can’t. I have learned that I am fine or will pull it together when I am with those that I trust but when I am alone or trying to get things done I get overwhelmed. I will be okay to talk and do things and then the next min have no energy to get things done and to be totally panicked.

I am learning that God doesn’t call us to walk this alone… He doesn’t call any of us to walk our lives alone. He wants us to depend on Him and He wants us to rely on His strength. In doing that He calls us to share our burdens with others and He calls us to help one another… So my goal is to reach out. My goal is to be reachable by others.

Friends…

2011-09-24T13:31:00.000-04:00

There are times in our lives when things just seem to be unplanned and crazy. Friday a blog didn’t get written because I was dealing with going taking Aden to Scottish Rite for testing. While there I was shocked with how much anxiety it caused to be sitting there while Aden was there. I thought of several friends while there: I emailed some, Texted some, and called some. There were several that were on my mind the whole time. It had been a rough week.
Why a rough week? Well simply because I had decided that I rather isolate than talk, I rather keep it all in and suffer to myself than deal with others. Well, that afternoon my heart was shattered, When Adam called me and told me that I needed to go to his work. Once I got there he told me that a good good friend was in the hospital in ICU after being in a major car accident. They didn’t know what her injuries where, I almost couldn’t drive. My heart was shattered and broken. I honestly can’t imagine my life without her. I have several that I am close to but I have to admit, she is one that I talk to daily and think about more. She is one that I am always texting and I can’t wait to hear how her and her boys are. I heart hurts that she is there. Her family is in my heart and constantly on my mind, May she know how much she means to me.

I wanted to write this awesome blog today and pour my heart out but this is what I am going to say… this week has been filled with a ton good and bad things. A new baby of someone that I consider to be my sister, she by far is the one that I consider to be my sister more than any other. She had a perfect and precious little boy. I was delighted to see her. There is no greater joy than to see someone that you have grown up with and love have a huge blessing. I love love, love her and can’t wait to hear the joy that she has. My emotions are all over the place

May yall know that friends matter… that are close to me in distance and those that are not. Those that text and those that do not. Those that talk to me hourly and those that don’t. Those that keep me company while the rest of the world is sleeping and those that think that I am nuts. I love yall and I am thankful to have yall in my life

4 letters...

2011-09-22T07:37:00.002-04:00

Mito… it is a four letter word. It changes life even for those that are mildly affected with it. It rocks the world of people daily. I know of parents that stay up and cry because they don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know that it has parents in tears nightly as their precious son or daughter is no longer here on earth or able to be touched, held, or helped. I know for us MITO stole a ton of things from the whole family. Adam and I had all the 1st taken away, time together and with our whole family, it took away the smile and the love of our sweet precious son. Zach lost the time that he was on earth a ton as well; he had all the normal activities stolen from him. Aden however has lost more than most.

Aden has had stole from him more than I can type. He had his time with his brother, his time with his parents, the stability of always having his family together, and the ability to believe that all is going to be okay. He has learned to be flexible and he is very compassionate. Aden also had his needs placed to the side a bit…Money, time, and energy went to Zach and all of the things that he needed and required. We knew that we would have a time that we didn’t have Zach with us but none of us thought that it would be now. Thankfully we had been preparing him for this and we had great doctors who helped us and talked to Aden like he was a real person. However, it is still hard; we are all pretty much still living sec by sec.

It has been the hardest thing… some things are super hard. Some things don’t bother me this time but the next time it floors me. I have realized that some don’t get it bit that I have to be careful not to wrap up in that moment but to remember that he is Blessed to be with God.

Every day....

2011-09-21T06:30:00.002-04:00

I thought that writing would get easier, I thought that if I were to put some of my emotions down I would be okay, I would feel better at least. What I am finding through is that as time is going by and events of this life occur that things become harder. That it is hard to process, there is no level of emotion that will explain, so I am going to try to explain a few things.

Life hurts, there are events that we don’t understand and things that we don’t see the way they are going to work out. There are days that I can get up and go through most of my day just thinking of Zachary but able to function, then there are other days that I don’t understand but they pop up and paralyze me in this state that I can’t express or explain.

There is a whole series of things that we don’t get to see. In this case, I don’t get to see Zach’s face when he sees the cakes/cupcakes for Aden’s birthday. In a week my family will do what we call Birthday Week. Adam’s birthday (sept 27), My birthday (sept 28) and Aden’s (Oct 1) Even when Zach couldn’t eat he loved to be part of birthdays. He loved Cupcakes, he loved to see smiles, and he loved to love on others. He loved this time of the year.

Every day when I pick Aden up at the bus stop or I take Aden to go catch the bus, I remember how much Zachary LOVED the school bus, he loved school, he loved being around people.

Every time we have to go to the doctor, no matter what doctor or for what reason, I think about Zachary and the fact that we no longer have to do that, While he is blessed to be with God, my heart aches that I can’t be there to hold him and love on him.

Everyday is a struggle, one that no one seems to understand

Just a bit

2011-09-20T10:13:00.001-04:00

Just a pic of what Zach had to do because of MITO.... He had oxygen and a double broviac. He had TPN, Fluids, Meds given through the broviac. TPN gave him all of his nutrition to live. Zach had 3 pain meds and multiple other meds, He had to have fluids to keep him hydrated and antibotics. The oxygen helped him break and have the ability to do anything. You can't see his GJ tuble but it was there and hooked up to drain.

You know what is so remarkable about this picture...
His SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even through all that he went through he smiled.

Zach had MITO, Mito didn't have him

Mito Awareness Week…

2011-09-19T07:03:00.000-04:00

This is the time of the year when you will see things about mitochondrial disease. You will see the posting on what it is and how it affects. I am having a hard time because it isn’t just a week to me it is a life. It is Zachary’s Life, it was Zachary’s Life. It was something that we lived for almost 4 years and that took his life. Mito isn’t something that ever leaves our mind. Zachary had mito, mito didn’t have him. He is in Heaven now doing all the things that he couldn’t do here on earth. I strive to be involved in those lives that want me to be involved. There is no treatment and no Cure for mito. It can look very different in every case. There isn’t a standard on what happens or what it should be treated as. Each case of mito is as unique as the person that it touches.

What is Mitochondrial Disease?

• Mitochondrial disease is a chronic, genetic disorder that occurs when the mitochondria of the cell fails to produce enough energy for cell or organ function.

• The incidence about 1:3000-4000 individuals in the US. This is similar to the incidence of cystic fibrosis of caucasian births in the U.S.

• There are many forms of mitochondrial disease.

• Mitochondrial disease is inherited in a number of different ways

• Mitochondrial disease presents very differently from individual to individual.

• There may be one individual in a family or many individuals affected over a number of generations

What are the Symptoms of Mitochondrial Disease?

The severity of mitochondrial disease symptoms is different from person to person. The most common symptoms are:

• Poor Growth

• Loss of muscle coordination, muscle weakness

• Neurological problems, seizures

• Autism, autistic spectrum, autistic-like features

• Visual and/or hearing problems

• Developmental delays, learning disabilities

• Heart, liver or kidney disease

• Gastrointestinal disorders, severe constipation

• Diabetes

• Increased risk of infection

• Thyroid and/or adrenal dysfunction

• Autonomic dysfunction

• Neuropsychological changes characterized by confusion, disorientation and memory loss.

How common are mitochondrial diseases?

• About one in 4,000 children in the United States will develop mitochondrial disease by the age of 10 years.

• One thousand to 4,000 children per year in the United Sates are born with a type of mitochondrial disease.

• In adults, many diseases of aging have been found to have defects of mitochondrial function.

2011-09-18T13:54:00.000-04:00

Well it isn’t really a new journey it is just one that was put on hold for a little bit. Aden, my almost 6 year old, has had some medical issues. It is something that we have been dealing with for a long time but now that he is almost six we realized that it wasn’t age appropriate and he asked to go to the doctor so we took him. I am not going to give all the details or anything but we are starting a bunch of meds for GI meds. God has it so I am going to let him have it.

I am going to take the same view for Aden as I did for Zachary… Aden is perfectly made just the way that he is. I will love him and cherish him and be honored to call him my son no matter the situation. We are learning about how school goes, that is very new to us. We are getting used to the new plans and new things

I am having to learn some things and will be trying to reach out to a couple of people, things can be hard but overall day by day we will learn, live, and love. God is with us, He hasn’t left us yet and he will always be here for us.

ramblings...

2011-09-17T09:32:00.002-04:00

I have been trying since early this morning to figure out what to write, the thoughts aren’t here this morning. I have so many random thoughts so I am going to write a few, My hopes are that someone somewhere needs to hear or know that I am thinking about them or praying for them or going through a situation that is similar to them and that they aren’t alone.

• Things may be different and difficult but there are amazing and awesome things in our life. I can’t imagine Zach without his love and his spirit and his caring. Because of his spirit, we are blessed with an ALMOST 6 year old that is by far the most amazing child I know. We have struggling with him but I know that he will always be a friend, that he is flexible and that he cares. He knows what it is like to hurt and he knows what it is like to love and lost.

• Friends, those that truly matter, don’t have to know everything that is going on they have to be able to be invited in. In saying this I have several friends that are no where close to me in distance but we talk daily, we know when something is wrong, and we pray for each other. I can’t imagine my life without them.

• No matter the situation that you are going through life still happens. I am overwhelmed somewhat because while I am trying to grieve and learn to live again with my new role. Life goes on… people get sick, jobs have to be done, friends that need you, illnesses happen, problems occur. You can’t just stop and hit a pause button. Man I so wish there was a pause button.

• After you go through a situation (no matter what it is) that is important and shocking to you then you begin to question and wonder what your purpose it. If you are here for a reason, if your situations matter to you then there is no better or worse. You can’t say… what you are going through is so much worse than what I am. Truth is (and I struggle with this) is that in order for others to help they have to know. You can’t hide your issues in the deep dark part of the corner and then expect others to help you. You have to be willing to be open and transparent. That doesn’t mean that you go around and tell everyone that means that you find those that God leads to you, those that are safe and let them in on what is going on.

I have to say, things are hard, some days are far worse than others but I am not the only one walking through this life wondering how in the world I am going to make it another sec. I have firmly believed that the saying hour by hour wasn’t coined for me, for me it is literally still sec by sec. Am I proud of that? No, I would love to be further along but truth is that I am not. Life still hurts, situations still floor me and I am still walking in the path that God has placed before me. I am just His daughter striving to do all the things that God has placed forth to me. I am not alone, I am not perfect, I am not!!!

Out on a limb…

2011-09-16T07:47:00.000-04:00

Okay so I am not sure how to write this but I think that I am not the only one dealing with this problem, so since God has called me to be honest and transparent I am going to write (hopefully it will make sense) about it here. I just hope I am not the only one that is dealing with it. I hope that this makes sense and that whatever is meant to come out of it does.

Because of all the things that have gone on and are going on I have been battling depression, grief, and anxiety. With these things are feelings and emotions that I can’t explain or share because the words just aren’t there. I am striving to be able to talk and to be around people. See although I am an extremely social person this has made it hard to be around others. It doesn’t take much to floor you when you are already dealing with so much. I thought that I would be feeling a tad better by now but bottom line I am not doing better.

So to be real and honest there are things that I am struggling with… I have had some amazing people ask me what they can do and honestly I don’t know. I know we all have birthdays coming up; I know that I have to do the food for that and I can’t wrap my head around it, it isn’t just the food it is that we are doing a birthday with part of our family missing, it is all the emotions of last year’s events surrounding Aden’s birthday.. We need encouragement, we know people are around but at 2am it is no one around but us. I know for me that since I am private I have had a hard time sharing and even till I worry about it. One major reason is because I don’t have the words to speak I don’t know what to say. I know that I am hurting but I don’t know what can be done about it, I know that I am devastated but again what can you do. One of the other reasons is that I don’t know how to ask or accept help. We are trying to focus on eating at home and dealing with things at home, this means I have to be able to get a menu today and food bought. Trying to figure out how to live again as a person, as a couple and as a family since for so long we were locked down and isolated because of having to be near medical equipment. I have been having issues with pretty much everything.

Think about the last time you went through a rough time at work; remember all the things you struggled with the frustrations of trying to get things done. The last time you were separated from the one that you love. The last time that you didn’t know what to do but knew that you had to do something. The last time that you knew you weren’t supposed to worry but since you didn’t know what to do. That is what I am going through. What can you do? I dont' know but whatever you want to do and felt let to do please do!

Friends

2011-09-15T06:55:00.002-04:00

I have to say I have some pretty amazing friends. Throughout the past couple of years I can truly say that one of the only things that have keep us going is that we have friends that care, I mean really and honestly care. That doesn’t mean that they get it all the time, it means that they are there no matter if they understand or not. I have a friend who constantly reminds me that she has never been through this situation that she just can’t imagine, so her words are few. I have another two who love on us enough to help stand with us no matter what is going on; to be hugged on no matter what, it is so important. I had a friend that moved away and I thought that I would never head from her again, I have to say that God is so amazing, I have gotten cards from her and she have emailed and texted me. I have texted friends for hours on end when I had no intentions on bothering them, but God just had us talk and allowed me to express a little. I know that our friends need to know what is going on in order to pray for us. I know that they pray without details but they care so much those details are nice for them to be able to pray specifically

See what I am learning is that you don’t have to know the words to say… Now I know this, I tell people all the time that if they are going through something just to pour their hearts out not to worry if it doesn’t make sense or if they think that it will make sense. What I am finding is that it works the other way too? Even if I don’t have the words, even if it doesn’t make sense to try to pour my heart out, to try to communicate the pain, the hurt, the feelings I have to try. The honest truth is that we are walking this journey sec but sec and there are times that seems like too much. I can honestly say that I can’t figure out how I am supposed to make it through this but I can say that having friends that are here to support me and love on me helps a lot. I know that I am one that doesn’t judge and that people come to for prayer and support. So now I am trying to learn to be honest and transparent. However my heart is aching and I don’t understand it all.

There are no words to express my heart…. We are learning as we go!

3 months

2011-09-14T07:58:00.002-04:00

3 months roughly 90 days… how in the world?
It seems like just yesterday we were doing all we could do to make him comfortable and to live a life full and wonderful. It seems like just yesterday I was stickering and listening to him play with playdough. It seems like just yesterday our days were full with oxygen, pumps, medications and appointments.

It seems like years since I got to see his sweet sweet smile. It seems like years since I got to hold him in my arms. It seems like years since I got to hear his cry. It seems like years since I got to see him and his daddy together. It seems like years since I have gotten to hear him and his big brother laugh. It seems like years since I had to be awake at night to give medications and to comfort him. It seems like years since I was able to help his pain.

3 months is not enough time, it isn’t enough time for any part of this road that we are on. I could say that this road is HORRIBLE, well it is but I love my son, I love my family and wouldn’t do this without any of them or without the friends that I have. So horrible no, difficult yes!!! I could say that this road is lonely, and yes it is but there are people that are trying to walk it with us. Do they totally get it no but they are loving us the same?

May the words of my mouth and the desires of my heart be that of God’s and may I be the light to others as the situation on this earth are far harder that we desire them to be

SHORT

2011-09-13T14:29:00.003-04:00

This blog today is going to be short…

Each and every day things come into our lives and we choose how to handle them. I get so sick of hearing this, it is true but I also know there are situations that ROCK us to our core. Things that hurt, that devastate, that change us, that make us walk a road that we didn’t know we would be doing or have a desire to do.

Today is a day that I am going to do what my momma said, “I have nothing good to say than not to say anything” that would be me today. I would love to be spiritual and godly but I am not God, just his daughter. I would love to be wise but I am not I am simply learning as I go. I would love to be okay with things but I am simply overwhelmed. I do know that I am not alone. I do know that it is all for God’s plan. That He knows the plans that He has for me, That God looks for me all over the earth.

Every time that I want to say “WHATEVER”, I realize that it isn’t my decision

Every time that I want to say “I’m done”, I realize that it isn’t my plan

Every time that I want to say “I hurt”, I realize that I am not the only one

Every time that I want to say “why”, I realize it is for God’s glory.

I don’t understand but I will cont to walk, the question will be am I alone or do I have friends. Do I have those that Truly care or are they words that are said to make things seem better

rambling

2011-09-12T07:50:00.003-04:00

My heart is heavy, My Words are few.

The pain is real and the heartache is too.

People don’t understand why I hurt; they think it is okay that he isn’t here on earth.

Heaven is great, he can run and play but here on earth is where I wanted him to stay.

I hurt, I cry, I scream out too

He will never come back and how can I deal with that?

Others get to play with, do things with, love on the ones they love

I sit and watch and wonder why I can’t? What did I do?

In my heart I know it is good, I know what it was nothing that I did.

I pray he is never forgotten but that I can become all God wants me to be.

Broken and crying with all my heart, I come before the throne and curl up in his lap

For God loves me more than I can imagine, fill my heart and make it real.

For I need that love and I need to be still.

Hope, love, peace and comfort are His to give to me

I pray that I can be all that he called me to be

May I love on all, be that friend, my they know they are never alone

Remembering…

2011-09-11T14:31:00.001-04:00

Today is a day when the country stops to remember all of the things that occurred 10 years ago on 9-11. I don’t mean to be selfish or harsh but I am having a hard time just remembering them. I am kinda stuck on remembering my mom and on remembering Zachary. I am stuck on remember those children that have been lost to mito this year, to the parents that have been lost to cancer, to the car accidents that occurred and took lives way too soon. They are no longer here. All of them are missed and loved.

My mom died in 2002 and Zachary almost 3 months ago… yet I have been told to get over it, that I need to move on, that my sadness needs to be replaced with being okay. How are these two any differently? Yes, 9-11 occurred and wasn’t their faults the people that died that day were tragically ripped from their families. They went to work that morning thinking of what would be for dinner, what they were going to do the following weekend and what their family would do that night. They never made it. Those in the Towers called their families, husbands and wives, to tell them that they loved them. May God be with them, May we never forget the blood that was shed.

In the same case, this year has been hard for us. Zachary, a child that God blessed us with in 2007, was ill and continued to get ill. Adam and I had to make a decision on what the best thing was to do, why as parents was it okay to make that decision? Why is it okay for us to make a decision on bringing our sweet little boy home to die? The pain of losing a child, the pain of losing my mom is still very very real and powerful. I have been told that I am strong and honestly it is all God, every sec is a struggle. Yes, I know that it will get better but just as 9-11 is still burned in many minds 10 years later. Zachary is forever going to be in my heart and my mind so how 3 months later am I supposed to be okay. God is holding me in His lap and I know that I am going to be stronger on day but for right now my heart is broken. I am crushed, the little things make huge differences.

We each have things that we struggle with so I am writing this to remind you to pray, to encourage, and to love on those that you know that are hurting. If you know someone that lost a loved one, be there for their hearts are hurting. It isn’t something that you can just get over and while you might be okay one sec, the next you can be floored. We need the love and the support, the encouragement of those that love us. Hold our hands and love on us for we are struggling to take each step.

Strong Enough

2011-09-10T13:11:00.003-04:00

I often have many different thoughts in my head swirling around but today I will simply say… until I am strong enough to stand strong I will be right here! God is working with me, I am learning a lot but one of the main things that I am learning is that I can’t do it. It isn’t in me, I can’t do so much that people want to put expectations on me for. There is this song that talks about being “strong enough”… I can do all things through Christ who give me strength. But what I am learning is that God doesn’t have to take away through the pain. Sometimes those situations of pain are there and part of us to teach us something. I am not really sure what I am being taught but I know that I am becoming a stronger person. I also know that I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am so tired of being molded into that stronger person. I am tired so the time like I am not, I am going to just stand firm, holding on and realizing that it isn’t my desires and my plans but God’s.

So until God gives me that Strength I am right here, you can choose to love and support. You can choose to pray, love on, encourage or help. Or you can choose to place more judgments, more expectations and say more comments that destroy. The Choice is yours!

Hurts

2011-09-09T07:34:00.002-04:00

There are things that happen that I can’t explain how badly they hurt. It is like something that I can describe, yesterday I got in the mail 2 letters, not just 1 but 2 letters, saying that Zachary was supposed to come in and be seen by those doctors. Well 6 months ago when Zach saw them Zach was okay. They didn’t know that Zachary had passed away. Now I am not upset that I got the letters in the least bit, I know that they didn’t know. I did think that they had been told but that is okay. What is upsetting is how much things change. It is also upsetting that it takes very little to really upset me, just think about it when your heart is upset or healing it doesn’t take much to knock you down again.

So these letters crushed me they took me back to where I was before Zach’s death, lots and lots of doctors. It made me think how much life has changed for Aden as well. He shared a room with Zachary. He changed his life for Zach, now before you think; well they all change when they have a sibling. Let me assure you Aden paid the price more than normal… Aden had his life basically put on hold. I know that last year Aden wasn’t invited to birthday parties because of Zach and I know that he wasn’t invited to play dates because parents were scared that they would have their children get sick. I know that he was sent to different people’s houses because of Zach being in the hospital, I know that he had to be extremely flexible never knowing if the plans were being changed. What I don’t know is? How to help him? How does a 5.5 year old express that he hurts? If he is hurting even an ounce of what I am hurting then he is hurting badly. Step by step, we will get through this. He is loves his brother and remember him, I pray that never changes. I am honored that he will talk to us about Zachary and he knows that it is okay to love him and miss him.

Each step for a reason… no matter how hard each step is for a reason and something that we may never understand. What I am learning now is that it is okay to hurt, it is okay to need people, it is okay to not have things together, and it is simply okay to be struggling. I am not alone and that I have people who are thinking and praying for me (us) all the time.

Emotions

2011-09-08T00:28:00.002-04:00

I want to a second to talk about emotions…They are the things that you feel that either define you or make you. They don’t have to be reality, they don’t have to be rational, the thing is that in your brain they are there, they are how you are dealing and coping. Most of us if we are honest have emotions that we are thankful that NO ONE else knows about.

I was recently asked to take a piece of paper and write down all the emotions, feelings that I have been having. It is different, I journal and I blog but to just think about the emotions I hadn’t done. It is hard because those emotions are spinning faster than I can express around in my head. Emotions are such that we can fake it; we can walk one way but feel a totally different way. The Emotions and feelings are shaped by what we do, what we think and who we think we are.

Just a few emotions: Hurt, pain, confusion, embarrassment, feeling ashamed, lost, incapable, unworthy, cloudy, unclear, a bother, a burden, feeling silly, feeling like a failure, isolation, guilty, relief, sad, ok.

What about the other feelings? Sad, like you are not being understood, being looked at, having expectations laid on you, unsure of what to do next, unsure that you are worthy or good enough to continue to do things, Angry at everyone and everything, disbelief.

We all have them, not all of these are in my brain but ones that I know others have expressed to me. Some of the emotions are fleeting, we know that they are just there to confuse us but we know who we are. Then there are others that we work through and have to relearn the truth. Some of us are able to hide them and some people are so transparent that when you think of them you know that is an emotion or feeling that they have. Now I have learned that God has called me to be real, transparent, and honest. This means somehow the emotions and feelings that are in my head have to be able to be told to others. In Luke, we are told that even Jesus went outside and wept bitterly. If Jesus wept, then I am thinking that means that I can to, that we can too. I am praying that I can be the friend that others use to come to and to help express. See not everyone needs to know what goes on in our head. We should have safe people. Those people that we can share and not worry about, where you don’t have to worry about the emotions and the feelings that you have are being judged, they are simply listened to. I pray that I am one of those safe people.

words

2011-09-07T07:11:00.002-04:00

Lost

One of the emotions that I feel right now, I know where I am and I know the daily things that I should be doing but it is like I forget, It is like I no longer know what the right way to do things is. I have heard several stories about feeling clouded and I get that, I know what it is like to be doing something only to realize that you have been doing something different all along.

Lost, I used to think that it was just a location thing. Oh I am lost, meaning I have no idea where I am at. I know now that lost can be a feeling that is overwhelming and powerful, it can change what you do and change who you are. Sometimes with being lost you don’t realize what you should be doing or you feel like you are doing the wrong thing. It is something that can be quite embarrassing. I mean think about it for some amount of time you had a normal and then you all of a sudden feel like you don’t know what normal is, who you are, what you should do, or if it was/is all worth it. You feel lost.

Bitterness

I used to think that this word meant an anger that made you irritated beyond mentally dealing with it… I have no idea if that makes sense. In other words, I thought that you were bitter if you we so angry that you where changed by that anger. Now I have learned that bitterness is something far different, yes it can be my old definition to but in this case I have learned that bitterness is that emotion that you have when you look at someone and are upset at them because they have or can do something. So using me, if I looked at a friend of mine who had children and I got upset and angry because she has 3 boys and I lost one of mine. If I get mad because I can’t do something but someone else can that is a form of bitterness.

Now why do I tell you these things… It is simple.. They creep up into your life. They come in and they change you and they aren’t a good thing. We all have things that we struggle with and I haven’t dealt with the bitterness as much but the Lost I have. I know that I have felt totally incapable because what I knew was gone. It isn’t just about Zach it is about everything. Aden just started kindergarten and it is a new normal. Having a school age child who is growing up is a big deal. I have never done it before and I don’t know what the right answers are or what the right things to do are

such a time

2011-09-06T07:36:00.002-04:00

We are given people we need when we need them. I am sure if you look in your life you can think of at least one person who can tell you anything and you know that they are saying it because of and out of love. They are the ones that you tell everything too even though you know that they might tell you that you have lost your ever living mind but they are also the ones that will hold you the tightest.

It is no secret that these past couples of years have been extremely hard but through it I have learned that God has some things that are always there. I know that many would put all the references and that they will look at this and say Goodness where is it found but I want to write something that I have learned. As I felt like God spoke them to me. I am a person that needs to be touched, hugged, loved on and encouraged. I have to be reminded that what is going on has nothing to do with how much I am loved or needed. This was whispered into my ear as I was sitting protected in his lap.

God has in fact adopted me; He has chosen me and picked me. Not only did He chose me but he made me and he knew everything that I was going to do before I even thought about it. He sings over me, He protects me, He will never ever leave me, No one can take me from his hand. That I am wonderfully made, that all of my tears (ALL OF THEM) are collected he knows every one of them. God can use me even though I am made from dust, He can use me to be his mouth piece, I am his bride.

Now some of that makes sense… we all want to believe that we are worth that much. But really we are, God made us and He made us for such a time as this. I am thankful that I am alive and going through this in today’s age verses another one. I can be connected with people worldwide; I spent part of last night talking to a friend that lives in Taiwan. We are living in an age with technology means that we are never alone between cells, blackberries, laptops and desktops we can ALWAYS be connected. We are living in an age where medicine is good, tests and things that can be done and can give someone a second chance. Living for such a time as this, it isn’t by accident, we each have a purpose. A God ordained reason to be here right now with the friend that we have and the situations that we are going though

EAGLES

2011-09-05T13:10:00.003-04:00

Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Sometimes we can’t see something for ourselves; we need someone else to tell us, to help us, to be with us. This morning I was told by someone that I trust that I needed to read the above verse that I needed to realize and remember who my strength is. I know that the person was right and I fully believe this verse but I am having a hard time realizing it. That was until I was eating with a dear friend of mine who is going through a circumstance that no child wants to be going through. One that I went through in 2002 when my Mother was ill and died. I started to pray for her and what came into my mind but that I am praying that she can run and not grow weary and that she will walk and not grow faint. That she can know that she is loved and not alone. God says that we are never alone; we are never walking this path no matter what is on it alone. We can be renewed, our strength can be renewed.

Why is it I instantly knew it for her but that I struggle with it for me? I think it is because God has me in a place to try to rely on others, to be transparent. Yesterday I was at church sitting with a family that has become so dear to me. I thought about the times that I have been strong lately, not in appearance but honest strength. In this case I could think of two things… One of them being in Adam’s arms, being held by him, assured that Adam was there beside me on this journey that I don’t understand. The other was to be asked to sit with a friend and her family, to be next to her and to be singing and worshipping God with her. Now for those that know me, I love to sing. I have had a hard time singing lately but I love to sing. With this friend, I could literally feel God reach down combine our words and remind me that I am not alone. I was able to pull strength from her like I haven’t had in a long, long time. In this case, I have been amazed about how many things I have realized that singing meant to me. To be that close to her to be able to worship together, to have friends that are of the same belief mean a lot. To know that she is here: praying for, holding my hand and loving on me. I am thankful that I am worth that much. I am thankful that she hopes in God and that she is helping me walk and not grow weary. I pray that she is helped just one breath as much as she has helped me lately.

See I am learning right now that no matter the road that we are on, the path that we are on that we are there for a reason. I am here to be the one that God needs to touch someone. I am also the one that needs others. We need each others, we need to pray for each other, we need to love on each other.

feelings

2011-09-04T07:49:00.002-04:00

The pass couple of days the words have been extremely hard to come by… I am not sure why, I don’t know if I am hurting that bad, if I am that sad, or if I just can’t express it. It could be all three; actually that is what I am betting on.

This week, Aden had a rough week at school. He loves it but he has his momma in him and he loves to talk. He has his momma in him and he loves to climb and jump off even if it is in the wrong places. He is like his momma and sometimes just doesn’t want to do anything. It leaves me wondering what to do, how to treat it?

So whatever the case may be this week has been a challenge on all roads. It has been rough dealing with Aden and his actions (which are typical behaviors) and then rough dealing with me and all the emotions that I am realizing are there. Sometimes it is much easier to push the feelings to the back and to hide them, the problem with that is that when they do finally surface it isn’t easy to handle at all. The other problem with pushing them back and hiding them, not dealing with them at the moment there is a chance that when they do boil over to the surface, or explode to the surface it is harder to express why the emotions are there. So while I am struggling horribly with words anyway if I have pushed emotions to the back, which I have, then now that they are popping up I can’t express why they are there. I struggle to communicate and to express, which is hard and leaves me wondering, how do I know that I am really feeling this way if I can’t tell them (anyone) how I am feeling or why? It is just hard

it adds together

2011-09-03T16:35:00.000-04:00

So it adds together: all the pain, all the hurt~
Whenever you have a death or a loss of any kind it brings back the hurt and the pain of anything else that you have lost before. In my case, In 2002 I lost my mom. I didn't loose her, God called her home. She was blessed enough to go be with Him. In 2011, I lost my son, Again I didn't loose him, He was blessed enough to go be with God.
It hurts though, I have no words today but it hurts. It is deep and hard and I am without the ability to share words.

Family

2011-09-02T07:08:00.003-04:00

Today is the day when I decided to load the van (with the help of a friend) of all the little things that were part of Zachary. All of the things that I needed to keep Zachary. Things that made his life easier, things that I needed to keep him at home, things that I had to have just to keep him alive. I never really realize that it took over, I never saw the tubes. I never saw the pumps. I never saw anything but Zachary. Wow, sitting here just looking at all the stuff makes me wonder HOW did I miss it all. It also makes me wonder if I keep all of it will God just bless me with one more day, well I would take one more hour?

So I am sitting here looking at my other son, my little big man. I wonder how much I missed of his life. He is amazing and wonderful and more than I can imagine. However, for almost 4 years, he took a back seat and was the most flexible thing ever. My love for him is so amazing.

Then I quickly think about this awesome and amazing man, the one who has worked and poured his heart into my boys and me. The one that is at work even now when being at home in bed might be a tad easier. The one that had his heart broken daily as he had to go and leave us. The one that loves us and takes care of us. In case you don’t know I have the most amazing husband ever, he is my all and all and I love him more than I can type right here. Adam has made this journey bearable; he is the one that I adore.

I think of my inlaws who ultimately made the biggest sacrifice, they were on call 24 hours a day every day. It didn’t matter how they felt or if they were asleep when we called they jumped. They didn't have to do this, they CHOSE to do this. They chose to walk each step with us and to love on all of us and to take a stance to be here for us no matter what it caused them. Many talk about how their in-laws are this and that but let me tell you my in-laws are wonderful and I definitely claim them as my own. I love them dearly.

Even with the hard we have a ton of Good, I know how strong my family is, I know how wonderful it is now because of going through this. Would I choose to go through it again? I don’t think so but I wouldn’t choose to change any of it either. Know that family is God given and so important, they are here to help you have a more enriched life.

My challenge for today if I can leave you with one is to tell your family that you love them!

Hands, small and powerful

2011-09-01T11:13:00.000-04:00

I have to say that hands are some of the most powerful things. They let us know that people are there and that they love us. They hold us when we don’t know what to do and they wipe our tears when they are streaming down our faces. Today simply is to show some of those hands. I am thankful to have hands of hope and of love around me all the time

steps

2011-08-31T08:33:00.002-04:00

Yesterday afternoon I took the time to make a phone call that has to be one of the hardest that I have ever done. I called an organization to see if they wanted ALL of the supplies that were left over from Zachary. Since Zachary spent so much time in the hospital we have a ton of surplus… we were blessed to always have what we needed for him. There are families that aren’t so lucky… either they don’t have insurance at all and are forced to provide for their child out of their pocket or they have insurance BUT insurance won’t provide the things that are necessary for the best Quality of life. WE, I, always had in our mind that when Zach’s time on Earth was done that we would donate whatever we had to help other families, we had been so blessed by others passing on items that we wanted to do it for others. We have been slowly doing this… his walker at Christmas time, his wheelchair this summer, his book bag, etc.

Yesterday I felt the necessity to call about donating all of Zach’s supplies… his left over formula, syringes, g-tube supplies, tpn supplies etc. The place that I called was more that excited that I will be bringing them these items and they have 7 centers in Georgia that the items will be spread out in. In knowing that I was going to do take these items this week, I started collecting items. How in the world did one little precious boy need so much stuff???

My heart is honestly broken… I guess I felt like if I held on to it that he might come back. I know that is silly but if I have everything to take care of him if he came back I could keep him. To see the formula, that his body no longer could tolerate and that each box was only a day for him. To know how many days of formula I have for him and how it can touch another family is simply overwhelming. Then to see the feeding pump bags and to find a pump, these are things that I had to have to feed him, they were part of him. Now to bless another family with them, while sweet is heartbreaking. It isn’t fair my little boy should still need them. To look in where I am putting it all and to know that I haven’t even touched the surface but that I have a whole load full is overwhelming.

I keep reminding myself that Zachary isn’t coming back, that I will no longer have to do all the therapies, appointments, feedings, medications or fighting for him. While I am thankful that I don’t and that he is in Heaven, I miss him terribly and I can’t understand why his short short life was filled with so much pain and suffering. I will start to remember all the good things and giving his supplies away will be part of that sharing his legacy and helping others is what he would want me to do. He would want me to share what we had since we have been so blessed.

I can choose to get Better or I can choose to get Bitter! It is up to me. You can choose to get Better or You can choose to get Bitter! It is up to you! Are we going to make a difference today?

Really a Blessing?

2011-08-30T07:50:00.002-04:00

Each day we get is a blessing… some days it is hard to look and see that it is a blessing but it is. Sometimes all we can see is the bad or the hard…. Surgery, Doctor’s appointments, projects, meetings, traffic, getting out of bed… but the truth is that all of those things are blessings if we honestly look at them. We come into contact with people through all of these events. It is something that I know is hard; it is hard to know why we do what we do. Sitting here this morning on this side of the monitor, on this side of losing a child, on this side of fighting a major illness with my child, I have to say… It is all a blessing, hear me out!

If WE weren’t blessed with Zachary in the 1^st place we would have never had any of this. I would have never seen how amazing Aden is. I would have thought that is was great yes, but I have to say he has a strength that is God given. I would have never realized that my heart is still in medicine. I would have never met the many of the people that I have met online and in real life. I wouldn’t be able to touch as many as I do now. Do I understand? No, I don’t but I know that through Zach’s Amazing life we were taught things that we can pass to others. I learned that Children love, they genuinely are happy and they will take whatever life throws them and they will catch it and deal. I want that ability… why as adults do we lose that? I mean I know why, cause life gets in the way, we learn that it hurts, we learn that we can’t control it, we learn that we miss them and they aren’t going to just show up to physically hold. I long to be like Aden who can curl up with one of Zach’s blankets and when asked why he says “I am playing with Zach” How sweet? How perfect?

Each day is getting a tad easier; I am learning what I need to do and what is expected. I have to admit, I am still struggling through it all. I wish I could say that I could function but I am not there just yet. I am still working, striving and hanging on. I have moments that I am totally stopped in my tracks that I can’t move. That breathing is about all I can manage to do and yet even that is a struggle. I wish I could say that I believed in myself, but it is still full of self doubt and not understanding. I wish that I could lots of things but all I can say is that I know that I am not walking this battle, this journey, alone so when I start to feel horribly overwhelmed I have sweet sweet friends who pull up and help me through. I know that I am okay, that even though I am hard on myself, I am in fact in God’s arms and am doing okay. That okay doesn’t mean that life is all okay that nothing hurts; it simply means that I know that I going to walk through the other side and be a stronger person for it. My prayer now is that if you are going through something, no matter how silly you think that it is that you know that you aren’t alone.